Jest Jokes...

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just a “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”



The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"



Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.



Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"



Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Gingerbread House Heaven

Part of the story of The Wizard of OZ - done completely in gingerbread and icing! Cool!

by Tanya Poste
(Winthrop, MA)


by Judy
(Jacksonville, FL)
**Gingerbread House Heaven
*Thanks, Darcene

This Is It - Michael Jackson - A Review

Featured reviewer: farzad

Starring: Michael Jackson (of course!)

Alex Al ... Himself / Electric and Synth Bass
Nick Bass ... Himself / Dancer
Michael Bearden ... Himself / Keyboards
Daniel Celebre ... Himself / Dancer

Mekia Cox ... Herself / Dancer
Misha Gabriel ... Himself / Dancer
Chris Grant ... Himself / Dancer
Judith Hill ... Herself / Vocalist
Dorian Holley ... Himself / Vocal Supervision
Shannon Holtzapffel ... Himself / Dancer
Devin Jamieson ... Himself / Dancer (as Devin Andrew Jamieson)
Bashiri Johnson ... Himself / Percussion
Charles Klapow ... Himself / Dancer
Jonathan Moffett ... Himself / Drums
Tommy Organ ... Himself / Guitar
Orianthi ... Herself - Lead Guitar

Darryl Phinnessee ... Himself / Vocalist
Mo Pleasure ... Himself / Keyboards / Trumpet
Dres Reid ... Himself / Dancer
Ken Stacey ... Himself / Vocalist
Tyne Stecklein ... Herself / Dancer

Timor Steffens ... Himself / Dancer

Synopsis: Michael Jackson's This Is It will offer Jackson fans and music lovers worldwide a rare, behind-the-scenes look at the performer as he developed, created and rehearsed for his sold-out concerts that would have taken place beginning this summer in London's O2 Arena.

Chronicling the months from April through June, 2009, the film is produced with the full support of the Estate of Michael Jackson and drawn from more than one hundred hours of behind-the-scenes footage, featuring Jackson rehearsing a number of his songs for the show. Audiences will be given a privileged and private look at Jackson as he has never been seen before.

In raw and candid detail, Michael Jackson's This Is It captures the singer, dancer, filmmaker, architect, creative genius and great artist at work as he creates and perfects his final show.

Review: farzad

Michael Jackson has made his long-awaited comeback with a new song, This Is It, released four months after his death.

The track began streaming overnight on the King of Pop’s official website before being delivered, amidst tight security, to radio stations this morning.

A mid-paced ballad, the sentimental number has received a mixed reaction, delighting some fans still grieving the star’s sudden death but disappointing others who complained about the “cheesy” lyrics and lack of catchy hooks.

One fan commenting on the pop star’s website, wrote: “This single is great, to be honest it is even better than I thought it was gonna be. Unfortunately I am now more broken hearted because This Is It - there's nothing more to come. Such a great loss. But I’m glad he is finally at peace.”

But a barrage of criticism also flowed on to the website’s message boards.

“Garbage”, wrote one disappointed fan. “There is a reason MJ didn't want it on any of his albums. It's not a good representation of the kind of quality he puts into his songs: Awful production, cluttred background vocals, average vocal performance from MJ, cheesy lyrics, melody that goes nowhere. That about sums it up.”

The Times pop and rock editor, Ed Potton, said the song, originally written for the 1991 album Dangerous, was no match for Jackson’s many iconic hits.

“It's a perfectly pleasant piece of mainstream soul-pop, but it's no classic - hence why it was left off Dangerous.”

“I can understand why they're releasing it now, as it epitomises Jackson's more vulnerable, sentimental side. If I want to get nostalgic, though, I'll still be sticking to Off the Wall and Thriller,” he said.

Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles, however, was won over, describing the song, which he played on his show this morning as “very much old school Jacko".

The song takes its name from the hugely-anticipated comeback shows that were supposed to have taken place at London's O2 arena in the summer. It features backing vocals by Jackson's brothers, with whom he became famous in 1969 as the Jackson 5.

Jackson died aged 50 on June 25 at his home in Los Angeles after a heart attack. His death was later ruled a drug-related homicide by the Los Angeles County coroner's office.

Fans will be able to buy the song as part of an album from October 26. It can also be heard on the closing credits of a film, This Is It, which has been made using footage of rehearsals for the O2 concerts, due to be released in cinemas on October 28.

Now Tell me what I want to know! And Tell me NOW!

*Thanks, Dave

Taste Test

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses. Today it was 'taste'.

The children began to identify the flavours by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange .................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!'

The teacher had to leave the room!

*Thanks, Daryn

My first time

It was my first time ever,
And I'll never forget.
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
We were all alone:
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best,
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame;
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished,
It's all over now.
My first time ever
At milking a cow..
*Thanks, Daryn

Talking Dog

A guy was driving around the back woods of Arkansas and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rang the bell and the owner appeared and told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yep,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looked up, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
'Ten dollars.’

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!

Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he is such a liar; he never did any of that shit.’

*Thanks, Danny

Wizard of OZ Horror recut gay trailer

Birth Test: The Wizard is a '3'

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.

To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be: it will just colour your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example September 12, 1962
9 + 12 + 1962 = 1983
1 + 9 + 8 + 3 = 21
2 + 1 = 3

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 3 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKER
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER

# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR

1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.


Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER

2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.


Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus, Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easy going. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.


Famous 3's: Alan Alder, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE

4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like etting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.


Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.


Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC

6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.


Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Steep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn.


#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL

7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.


Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez, Princess Diana.

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT

8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.


Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly.

#9 - THE PERFORMER

9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons , ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.


Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.

Mama and her Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house "

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway"

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

New Christmas Present for Blondes...

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'









And the moral of this story is:







Always keep your condoms in your car!

*Thanks, Gary

Beware the Halloween Parties this year!

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.


His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


"Did you dance much ?"


"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

*Thanks, again, Gary!

The Wonderful Wizard of OZ

From Miss C Recommends:

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1910) is the earliest surviving film version of L. Frank Baum's 1900 novel, made by the Selig Polyscope Company without Baum's direct input. It was created to fulfill a contractual obligation associated with Baum's personal bankruptcy caused by The Fairylogue and Radio-Plays, from which it was once thought to have been derived. It was partly based on the 1902 stage musical, though much of the film deals with the Wicked Witch of the West, who does not appear in the musical.

*Thanks for the Link, Gary

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after awhile I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

*Thanks, Gary

Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.

infoMania sneak peek: That’s Gay NoHomo

This week infoMania’s sneak peek is another edition of That’s Gay.

Bryan tackles rappers use of the phrase “NoHomo.”

Users of the phrase, are scared that anything they say might be misconstrued as not hetero. By adding the ‘nohomo’ tag they relieve themselves from feeling the insecurities of being perceived as homosexual. Cam’ron a proponent of the term uses it so often that he accents his explanation “this is about saying gay things by accident” with a “no homo.” These insecurities should be addressed so that the speaker can become more confident with their sexuality, whatever it may be.

Or at least that’s what a psychologist might say! NO HOMO.

Enjoy this week’s infoMania tomorrow night at 10pm. Only on Current TV.

(The phrase “no homo” once inspired this joke “I want to catch a freight car and carry a bindle. no hobo.”)

*Current Comedy Blog

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Almost All Are True

Three of these four things really happened, just recently. Are you cynical enough to figure out the made-up story?

(a) A judge in California told juror-candidates that if they were embarrassed to admit that they couldn't be fair, just to make up another excuse, and he'd let them go.

(b) Australia's tax agency signed up as a sponsor of this year's awards pageant for the country's pornography and prostitution industry.

(c) The insurer Lloyd's of London wrote a policy on a male model that would pay off if accident or illness caused him to lose 85 percent of his chest hair.

(d) A court in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, approved the forcible implanting of a radio frequency identification tag in the arms of a man's two wives so he can monitor their whereabouts.


Answer to Almost All Are True: (a), (b), and (c) are true.