TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

*Thanks, Pam

'WANTA BORROW A JACK?' - A Parable

by J. P. McEvoy

"A fellow was speeding down a country road one night when he had a blowout. The spare tire was all right, but he found that someone had taken his jack and not returned it. Looking around he saw the lights of a farmhouse, and said, "I'll just go see if I can borrow a jack from him." As he walked toward the house, he tried to rehearse his request for the jack. "I'll just knock on the door, ask for the jack, and he will say, 'Why sure, neighbour, just make sure you bring it back.'" The closer to the house he came, the more nervous he was about the response he might receive. He thought to himself, "Now, he'¹s gone to bed and will be annoyed because I wakened him – so he'll probably want some money for the jack – and I'll say, "OK, but that's not very neighbourly of you, but I'll give you an quarter." He thought to himself, "He will probably say, 'You think you can get me up in the middle of the night, and then offer me a quarter? I'll get a dollar or you can go somewhere else for your jack!"

By now, the fellow had worked himself into a pretty good lather. When he turned into the man's gate, he muttered, "A dollar! All right, I'll give you a dollar. But not a red cent more! A poor guy has an accident and all he needs is a jack. You probably won't let me have one no matter what I pay. That's the kind of guy you are." When he got to the door, he knocked loudly, angrily. When the farmer stuck his head out the window he hollered, "Who's there? What do you want?" The fellow stopped pounding on the door and yelled up, "You know what you can do with your old jack. Just keep it! See if I care!"


By the time I stopped laughing, I asked, "Is that what I've been doing? I guess I have just been borrowing trouble." On the way home, I realized that I had forgotten to call my wife and tell her I might be late. Crawling along in a string of heavy traffic, I thought to myself, "I¹ll tell her I was caught in the weekend traffic, and she'll say, 'Why didn't you phone me before you left for home?" Then I'll say, "What difference does it make? I'm here, aren't I?" Then she will say, "Yes, and I've been here all day slaving, waiting to hear from you." Then I'll say, "Do you think I have nothing else to do than call you up every hour and make like a lovebird?" And she'll say, "You mean like a wolf, but you wouldn't be calling me!" By this time I was pretty steamed up, and as I jumped out and slammed the car door, my wife flung open the window upstairs. "All right!" I shouted up to her, "Say it." "I will," she said softly, "Wanta borrow a jack?"

We can cause a lot stress, if we put our minds ahead of the upcoming situation, and play out scenarios that probably will not even happen.

Safety First!

Read the last 2 lines after the photo's. . .

A truck was traveling down the highway at around 1 o'clock in the morning near Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Motorcyclist was traveling at ~120mph and ran into the back of the moving semi-truck.

Truck driver said he felt the impact, and it took almost a 1/4 mile for him to pull over.

This is what he found...

He lived.

Wear your helmet!

*Thanks, Daryn

The Wish

*Thanks, Daryn

Irish Eyes Are Smilin'

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

*Thanks, Daryn

TRUE or FALSE? YOU DECIDE!

There are 36 flowers are in the design stamped on every Oreo cookie.

Nope. There are 24. There are 12 on each side.

Underwater Restaurant

This is a PowerPoint presentation. Click above.

If you don't have PowerPoint, you can download the free viewer here.

This year's Oscar winners

The winners of the 80th Annual Acedemy Awards:

Best Actor Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood

Best Supporting Actor Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men

Best Actress Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose

Best Supporting Actress Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Best Animated Feature Ratatouille

Best Picture No Country for Old Men

Adapted Screenplay Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men

Original Screenplay Diablo Cody, Juno

Hyuk!

*Thanks, Daryn!

Mozart

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

How to get into Heaven

A Sunday School teacher told this story:

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.

*Thanks, Daryn

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

*Thanks, Daryn

Notice

*Thanks, Daryn

U.S. troop deal signed

Harper gov't criticized for silence on new pact

David Pugliese, Canwest News Service

Canada and the U.S. have signed an agreement that paves the way for the militaries from either nation to send troops across each other's borders during an emergency, but some are questioning why the Harper government has kept silent on the deal.

Neither the Canadian government nor the Canadian Forces announced the new agreement, which was signed Feb. 14 in Texas.

Read more?

Hmmm… what constitutes an emergency? Can their military come up here and arrest Canadian citizens, or people visiting Canada? We need to get this government out of power.

*Thnaks Daryn

Truck Nuts

These 'things' are fast becoming popular among pick-up truck users. They go by the names "Truck Nutz", Truck Balls" and many other names.



Methinks the owners may be compensating for 'ahem' shortcomings in the "testicular area"? I prefer just a nice tight pair of jeans!

The Confused Philosopher

-Why is it called a running back when he runs forward?
-What do you call a male ladybug?
-If you strangle a smurf what color does it turn?
-If god sneezes what do you tell him?



-How do the buttons on your phone light up when it isn't plugged in?
-People who can't see are blind and people who can't hear are deaf what do you call people who can't smell?
-How do they get those boats in the glass bottles?
-Why is it called a T.V. set when there's only one?

>

-If its 0 degrees today and they say it will be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is that?
-If IHOP stands for International House of Pancakes, why do you only see it in North America
-Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
-Can a guy named nick have a "nick"name?



-Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you say is your name?
-Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
-If a person owns a piece of land does he own it all the way to the core of the earth?
-Why do they say an alarm clock is going OFF when it's really turning on?



-Does the Prime Minister pay taxes?
-If you wore a teflon suit, can you ever get into a sticky situation?
-If nothing sticks to teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
-If jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares then why is there a song about him?



-And if nobody cares why does he keep doing it?
-Do they have the word dictionary in the dictionary?
-Why is it called a drive through if you have to stop?
-Why are SOFTballs hard?



-Why is it that rain drops and snow falls?
-Does a postman deliver him own mail?
-Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
-Why is it that you ship cargo in a ship but, you have a shipment transported by car?



-Why are boxing rings square?
-What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
-Do sore thumbs really stick out?
-Why do we scrub down and wash up?



-What is the opposite of opposite?
-Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
-Which came first the color orange or the fruit?
-If a cow laughs really hard, does milk come out his nose?



-Can a virus get sick?
-If everything sticks to crazy glue then why doesn't it stick to the bottle?
-Why do they call it your bottom when it is really in the middle of your body?
-Why is the name for fear of long words,
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?



-Why is it that chicken's are "poultry", while chicken eggs are considered "dairy"?
-How fast do hotcakes sell?
-Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
-Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to buy their medicine while, healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front?
-Don't you find it disturbing that doctors call your treating your ailments their "practice"?



-What do you call a female daddy long legs?
-Why do toasters have a setting that burns your toast to a horrible crisp, that no human in his right mind would eat?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-If the professor on Gilligan’s Island make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



-Why is it that people point to their wrist when they want to know the time, but they don't point to their crotch to ask where the bathroom is?
-Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
-Is the opposite of "Out of whack", "In whack?



-What do you call male ballerina's?
-Who coined the phrase "coin the phrase"?
-Why would Superman want to "leap a building in a single bound" if he can fly?
-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?



-Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouths closed?
-If a man was alone in a woods, and he said something, would he still be wrong?
-Who was the first person to go, "I'll just squeeze these dangly things on this cow and drink what comes out"?
-If you ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?



-If you tried to fail and succeeded, what did you just do?
-Did they have antiques in the olden days?
-Can blind people see their dreams?
-If there is an exception to every rule, what is the exception to that rule?



-Why is it that Trix are only for kids?
-Why is it called getting your dog "fixed", when afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
-If Wile E. Coyote had so much money for all that Acme Crap, then why didn't he just buy dinner?
-Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions when you couldn't possibly know the answer?



-What if the hokey-pokey is all it's about?
-Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty-Dumpty is an egg?
-Why are they called strawberries when they have no straw in them?
-Why is it called an eggplant when there’s no egg in them?



-Why do they sterilize needles for Lethal Injections?
-How can you hear yourself think?
-If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
-If the Flinstone's where from B.C. (before Christ) then why do they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstone Christmas?



-Why don't Piranha eat each other?
-Why don't fish get cramps when they, eat then swim?
-Can a fish choke on a fish bone?
-If chimps are so smart why don't we replace our government with them?(oops too late!)



-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
-What size is a penguin’s tux?
-How do they get the deer to cross the road at the yellow signs?



-If a stealth bomber crashes in a woods, does he make a sound?
-How can you tell a clam is happy?
-If a mute person swears, does his mom make him wash his hands with soap?
-If Fed-Ex and UPS where to merge, would they be called Fed-UP?



-If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
-If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what humanitarians eat?
-Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-Is there a DR. Salt?



-Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?
-How can somebody be dirt poor, while another is filthy rich?
-Why do black olives come in cans yet green olives come in jars?



-Did Noah keep the bees in an archive?
-If you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
-If there was a sign makers strike, would anything be written on the sign?
-If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?



-If your plan is to have no plan, do you have a plan?
-If anything’s possible, is it possible that nothings possible?
-What do mermaids eat?
-Why are rubber duckies yellow when real duckies aren't?



-Do sheep get static cling when they rub against each other?
-Do siamese twins pay for 1 or 2 tickets when going to the movies?
-Isn't it scary that the word 'therapist" is "the" and "rapist" put together?
-If you had X-ray vision and closed your eyes, would you still see?



-How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll?
-Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when they're not crackers, they're cookies?
-Have Ex-cowboys become deranged?
-Have Ex-dry cleaners become depressed?