Learn Yer Kid Good

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Gorilla Language

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy up. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -- and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Pretending

A old man and an old woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly.

He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married, besides, I'm awfully hot."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

S-E-X!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque buildup.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

What Do Animals Read?

Now ya know...

Lazy

Sung to the tune of "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. (Forgive me guys!)

Lazy

Lazy - too lazy for nothin' but TV
Lazy - too lazy to look for your shoe
I knew - you'd love me as long as I did stuff
And then someday
You'd make lists of things I should do

Hurry - Why should I make myself Hurry
Wonderin' - when you'll pick up on the clue
You're crazy
If you think that I'm doing your laundry

Too lazy for moppin', too lazy for shoppin'
And too lazy . . .

For loving . . . you!

Doing Your Own Cosmetic Surgery

In this day and age, there is no need to allow the high cost of cosmetic surgery to stand between you and the perfection you deserve. Now anyone can achieve fantastic results in the comfort and privacy of their own home without any special skills, and using simple tools and products everyone has lying around the house.

In these times when issues of self esteem are so much in the forefront of our awareness, we realize the profound impact of feeling that our noses are crooked or unattractive, or that our breasts are to small, or that our cheeks may sag a bit with advancing age. No matter! You don't need to spend thousands of dollars for a high priced surgeon to cut you up when you can do it yourself at home for a mere fraction of the cost. My step by step instructions can show you how.

Simply go around the house and garage and gather up a few things. Here's what you'll need:

X-acto Knife
Adhesive Bandages
Needle and thread
Tweezers
Sharpie Marker
Staple Gun
Witch Hazel
Aloe
Micrometer
Vice Grips
Small C-clamps
Channel Lock Pliers
Soldering Iron
Pinking Shears
Rotary Sander
Miter Box
Shop Vac

(You should be aware that painkillers are not needed for any operation; Simply write for our pamphlet 101 Mantras to Cure Pain, Disease, & Suffering. It can be obtained by sending $10.00 to 101 Pain Mantras, Perfect Being Magazine, 7 New Age Way, Laidback CA.)

Once you have gathered your supplies, you must determine the how and who. How do you want to look once the operation is complete and who do you want to do the cutting. While some people are able to perform self-surgery, most grow squeamish at the thought. This is where an understanding wife or husband comes into play.

First, you’ll need to play with the area you want to improve. Push, prod, shape that bit of sagging skin into position to see how you want to look after the operation. Comparing your face (or other body part) to those of models in fashion magazines will help define your goals. Once you are satisfied with how you want to look, you draw your lines with the marker to define the area you wish to excise. Be careful not to get too adventurous, as you may cut away too much skin and end up with your jawline up around your lower eyelid. After you have marked the skin, make an incision with the x-acto knife along the dotted lines, remove the unwanted skin, and sew the two parts together, being sure to slather plenty of aloe along the cut in order to promote healing and prevent infection. For a really big job, such as a liposuction and tummy tuck, you’ll need the stapler and shop vac.

There are some jobs which are a little more complex. A nose job for instance, requires scraping away the cartilage in much the same manner a sculptor hacks away at a marble block in order to reveal the perfect form lying underneath. A bust job is equally complex in that material must be added to the breast. Many things have been used, such as tissue filled baggies, water balloons, and rolled up socks. However, we at Perfect Being have found the most effective material for a breast augmentation to be Nerf footballs cut in half, as they are available in a variety of sizes. They give the breasts definition, lift, weight, shape, and bounce, and can act as bumpers in the event of a low speed collision.

Armed with this knowledge as well as the fortitude to carry out your dreams, you should be able to master, with practice and patience, these cosmetic surgery techniques in no time at all.

The 'NEW' Land Of OZ...

Finally!

The all nude Hollywood Star photospread! It comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pictures show full frontal nudity, for both female and male versions, (and some nice buns too!, hehe)

Once on the site, just click on the menu to select which one you want to view.

They are available for sale on the site -- the photos, not the stars. Click here to view all 12 (24) totally nude stars.

Fido's Tale

In D.C, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Simpsonize Me!

I've been Simpsonized! You decide! Which of me looks more appealing? I think I look rather good in Yellow!


Unfortunately this site is no longer here.

TOONS

Click above to view

The Centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!



A little voice came out of the box:...........

(WAIT FOR IT)...........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my Fu**ing shoes on!M.p>

Strip Tease

Click above to watch him take it all off!

Cute Puzzle

Click above for a cute puzzle to start your day off right.

Don't go into the woods...

...it may be in there...

The Positive Side of Life

Click above.

A Horse's Tail

A Horse's Tail...

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

Down on the farm

Points to Ponder

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.