Who's In Charge of The Body ??

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.


The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge...

just an asshole.

Funny wisdom, but believable !!

1. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why is the room spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

22. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

25. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click was a Smith and Wesson.

29. The enjoyment of a day, is surviving it. WELL!!!!

REFLECTIONS - And then it is Winter

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was a young girl/boy, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams... But, here it is...the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...

How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And where did my youth go?

I remember well... seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...husband retired and he's really getting gray...he moves slower and I see an older man now. He's in much better shape than me... but, I see the great change...

Not the one I married who was dark and young and strong... but, like me, his age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I know, that when it's over...it's over....Yes , I have regrets ....There are things I wish I hadn't done ....things I should have done ..But indeed , there are many things I'm happy to have done ....It's all in a lifetime...

So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!

Life goes by quickly So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for good today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...

"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who came after. Make it a fantastic one."


LIVE IT WELL!!

~author unknown~

On-Line Orgasm!

Give it a try!

Click here.

Oh... I see now...

LAPPY 486

An amusing Flash movie. Click here.

Need some of these. I hate bones!

Quoth the sexy one...

Running in the Rain

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" she repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,"! Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated, "Mom, let's run through the rain."

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... so, don't forget to make time and take opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to
forget them.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!

You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's

This like so so true..made me LOL!

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE"

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.

3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and can do the" Carlton".

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.

6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.

7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.

8. Two words: Hammer Pants

9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales " (Woo ooh!)

12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen...and still know the turtles names.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

17. You played the game "MASH " (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?

20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's truly outrageous.)

21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

This needs no explanation!

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like #24, probably in neon colors, too)

35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

42. You remember "Popples".

43. "Don't worry, be happy"

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by "younger hip" members of the family)

46. You remember boom boxes..?and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

47. You remember watching both "Gremlins "movies.

48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony Tales"

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

57. Homemade Levi shorts... (the shorter the better)

58. You remember when mullets were cool!

59. You had a mullet!

60. You still sing "We are the World"

61. You tight rolled your jeans.

62. You owned a banana clip

63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"

64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"

65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

66. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!

67."Thunder...thunder...thunder...thundercats...HO!!!!!!!

68. You wore overalls with only one strap on your shoulder.

69. You see the new commercial of the "Heinz" boy Mikey and wonder if that is REALLY him, all grown up.

70. You know that Adam Sandler started his career as Theo's friend on Cosby.

71. You watched you can't do that on television faithfully and still can't figure out which character was Alanis Morrisette

And finally...



72. Michael Jackson was COOL!

Daddy Cut the Big One!

Click above

2011's Most Memorable LGBT Quotes

AfterElton.com

I don’t f*cking care if I pissed off some gays, because if they can take a f*cking dick up their *ss, they can take a f*cking joke.

Tracy Morgan to his audience at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium



Life is too serious to not laugh and enjoy some humor. I now no longer enjoy Tracy Morgan’s humor … I'm not angry ... just very very very disappointed.

From Kevin Roger’s Facebook post, "Why I No Longer 'Like' Tracy Morgan"



I hope for his sake that Tracy’s apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket.

30 Rock creator Tina Fey reaction


Booooo!

Audience response to a question by gay soldier Stephen Hill at a Republican Presidential debate hosted by FOX News.



Like being a woman, like being a racial religious tribal or ethnic minority, being LGBT does not make you less human. And that is why gay rights are Human Rights and Human Rights are gay rights.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a speech to the United Nations



No country should deny people their rights because of who they love, which is why we must stand up for the rights of gays and lesbians everywhere.

President Barack Obama in a foreign policy memorandum



I feel that gay people not being able to get married for generations, forever, meant that we came up with alternative ways of recognizing relationships. And I worry that if everybody has access to the same institutions that we lose the creativity of subcultures having to make it on their own. And I like gay culture.

Rachel Maddow discussing her opinion on same-sex marriage.



Being brought up in a Christian home and still identifying as Christian, I get pretty annoyed with the Christian lobbies around the world who say gay marriage destroys the family and all that kind of rubbish. They claim to follow someone who always stood up for the oppressed and marginalised.

Australian rugby player David Pocock. He and his girlfriend say they won't get married until their lesbian and gay friends can.



Sebastian: One of us has a hard luck case of the gay face, and it ain't me.
Kurt: You smell like Craigslist.

From the December 6th epiosde of Glee, "Hold On To Sixteen"



I promise to stand by you unwaveringly through thick and some day, God willing, through thin.

SiriusXM OutQ personality Frank DeCaro broadcasting his wedding vow to husband Jim Colucci



I'm beautiful in my way 'cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track baby, I was born this way.

Lady Gaga, chorus to "Born This Way"



Make no mistake, I am a Christian and I believe in God and I don’t believe he makes mistakes, so I believe that being gay is not a sin and in fact it’s how you’re made.

Actress Kristin Chenowith appearing on The Joy Behar Show



Remember, the change you want to see in the world, and in your school, begins with you.

Tyler Clementi’s father, Joseph Clementi opening remarks at Rutgers University’s symposium on the use and misuse of social networking



If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people. They’re the ones who keep having gay babies.

Sign outside an NYC restaurant



When I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless, I didn’t have any money and I was living in my car. I wasn’t averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?

Hung star Thomas Jane on his early days in Hollywood.



"Niggas is gay. There's millions of gay people in the world. Girls too... I'm a fan of 'Yo, I'm gay. The f*ck.' Like, 2011 you gotta hide that you're gay? Like, you know what I'm saying, like, be real, like 'Yo I'm gay, what the f*ck.' If you gay you gay. Like that's your preference, you know? F*ck it if the people don't like it."

DJ Fat Joe in response to whether he's ever done a song with a gay rapper.



I wanted to show America a different kind of man. If there was someone like me when I was growing up, my whole life would have been different.

Dancing With the Stars contestant Chaz Bono on his elimination from the series.



I’m not ashamed of what I did. It doesn’t define me or who I am.

MTV Real World cast member and former gay porn model Dustin Zito


People from pre-sexual revolution and even from the 60s and the birth of the gay movement still define gay as two men or two women having sex. Our generation defines it from a more emotional standpoint. To be gay means you are drawn to the same sex. But it’s a part of who you are, an identity, not an act.

J. Edgar screenwriter Dustin Lance Black in a WSJ interview.



In the gay world, [relationships] will always be open. There is no curbing the gay man.

Bravo network’s Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger


Well, you show me the science [that being gay is not a choice] and I’ll be persuaded.

Republican presidential aspirant Herman Cain on The View



Is it adultery if I'm committing it at one end of a guy and he's committing it at the other end of that same guy?

Dan Savage when asked by Stephen Colbert if he's ever committed adultery.



A lot of people are curious why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage!

Emmy Awards host Jane Lynch



OMG! Is this true? [Marcus Bachmann] has a Christian clinic where he de-programs gay boys & girls! I’m gonna strangle him with my Boa!

Cher on Twitter



I really think, without trying to give us credit that we don’t deserve, I really feel like Kurt and Blaine are a modern version of Lucy and Ricky. Oh, I’m Lucy for sure.

So says multi-hyphenate Chris Colfer



The Democrats want me to live on their plantation as their slave, because I’m a gay person. And I refuse to do that.

A-List: Dallas cast member and Republican consultant Taylor Garrett commenting after allegedly being assaulted.



This show does something very special for the gay community. There’s a message hidden inside the totally gaudy package that is so fun to watch. It’s all about loving and accepting yourself, and every season I’m surprisingly moved by it.

Actor Jesse Tyler Ferguson shares his thoughts on RuPaul's Drag Race



We speak for the entire Giants organization when we say that there is no place in society for hatred and bullying against anyone.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito in the first “It Gets Better” video made by a major league sports team

Dad, I’m gay.

Airman 1st class Randy Phillips phoning his father on YouTube after the demise of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”



I kept thinking, this is my first show, I don’t want to get fired. I was young, I was 22. I didn’t know anything. So that sort of started the idea of, okay, well, I’m working a lot, I guess I’ll just keep that gay part of my life on the back burner for now. I went so far as to sleep with women a couple times. It was a very confusing time for me.

Actor Sean Maher reflects on years in the Hollywood closet



I do not comment on my client's personal lives in the media. As for Luke, he did so once, a long time ago when he was an inexperienced, young actor and now with maturity and hindsight, he has learned not to engage the press in his personal life again.

Publicist for actor Luke Evans responds to AfterElton when asked to clarify whether Evans still considers himself openly gay (as he did in a 2002 interview).




These people who are making a big deal out of gay marriage? I don’t give a f*ck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of. They go on and on with all this bullsh*t about ‘sanctity’. Don’t give me that sanctity crap! Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.

Oscar winner Clint Eastwood



Attention every breeder, you’re invited to the theatre, it’s not just for gays anymore!

Tony Awards host Neil Patrick Harris’ opening number



I'm not ashamed to be a Christian. But you don't have to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.

Texas Governor and GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry in his "Strong" campaign commercial



The Republican path to victory is compromised when gay Americans are perceived as being attacked for just being how God created them.

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus



He was the up and equal homosexual who would not sit at the back of the bus.

Yale Law Professor William Eskridge, honoring the late gay rights pioneer, Frank Kameny



We need marriage equality in every state in this nation. Otherwise, no state really has marriage equality, and we will not rest until it is a reality.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

TROY - The Latest Strip

This a gay-themed comic
--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--


Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

Troy # 299 Bachelor Parties, NYC is out in the magazines and up online. The boys take Troy out for a night on the town in New York to celebrate his last night as a single man.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROY Tooner.

Government stimulus...

After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.


This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:


Q. What is a tax refund payment?

A. It’s money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea..




* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in Canada by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only “truly” Canadian businesses still operating)



Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!


No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.

*Thanks, DW

Home Remedies

THESE REALLY WORK!!I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

*Thanks, Dwight

PENSION SEX

PENSION SEX


Two men were talking.
'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know;
I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!'



LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed
and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said,
'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained,
'it wakes me up!'


QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life,
the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied,
'You're never home!'




CONFOUNDED SEX


A man was in a terrible accident,
and his 'manhood'
was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium,
and $14,000 for 'large.'



The man was sure he would
want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone
and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room,
and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?'
asked the doctor.


'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'




WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly
and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.



ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman
came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband
in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th floor,
assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court
on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had
anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor.
I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex...
He could also fly.'

*Thanks DW

RIP Davy Jones, My Monkee Friend...

TMZ.com

Dead at 66 from Heart Attack

Davy Jones -- lead singer of The Monkees -- died after suffering a heart attack this morning ... TMZ has learned.

An official from the medical examiner's office for Martin County, Florida confirmed with TMZ they received a call from Martin Memorial Hospital informing them that Jones had passed away.

A rep for the singer tells us Jones suffered a heart attack at his home this morning ... and was transported to a hospital where he was pronounced dead.

Jones is survived by his wife Jessica and 4 daughters from previous marriages. He was 66-years-old. Jones was married to Jessica Pacheco -- his 3rd wife.

Jones joined The Monkees in 1965 ... along with Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith and Peter Tork ... and together they churned out a bunch of hugely popular songs including 3 number 1 hits -- "Daydream Believer," "Last Train to Clarksville" and "I'm a Believer."


The group was initially cast by TV producers who wanted to create a scripted series about an actual rock n' roll band. But the group exploded, and Jones in particular became a Beatles-caliber heartthrob.

The Monkees songs were covered by huge bands like Coldpay, and Smash Mouth's version of "I'm a Believer" was famously featured in "Shrek."

Davy's last performance was on February 19th in Oklahoma -- the night before, he performed "Daydream Believer" and "It's Nice to Be with You" at the BB King Blues Club in NYC ... and he looked totally fine (video below).

Anti-Lock Braking System Explained...

*Thanks, Glen

Wal-Mart Wine

Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2012, it will begin offering customers a new item...Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.

'However, branding will be very important.' Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brands and varieties.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

*Thanks, Gary

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