What a Hoot....Have fun!!!!

An Early Valentine

Move the cursor in time with the music & watch what happens; it's strangely addicting. Just use the pointer and click on one or more of the boxes in the upper right corner. Keep your sound on. Sorry.. only works with Internet Explorer (Damn it Microsoft!)

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Use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ'

Trunk Monkey

LUTHERAN AIR

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE:

LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA... ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, DA No-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA rear of DA aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA Budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In DA event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry About den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably DA Masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is seat of DA pants all DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA Side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close."

Men...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "Wha t does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor, or GAY ;-)

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Working with idiots can kill you....

Please Respond to Supervisor....

When asked to do something…simply send this reply...

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?

Because no one else in this damn house knows

HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even

Know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would

sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.



And, once they figured it out,

they wouldn't be able to find the

light bulbs despite the fact that

they've been in the SAME

CUPBOARD

for the past 17 YEARS!



But if they did, by some

miracle of God, actually

find them 2 DAYS LATER,

the chair they dragged to

stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would



STILL BE IN

THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH

IT WOULD BE THE

WRAPPER THE

STUPID LIGHT

BULBS CAME IN!!!

BECAUSE NO ONE

EVER CARRIES OUT

THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE

HAVEN'T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM

THE PILES OF

GARBAGE THAT

ARE A FOOT DEEP

THROUGHOUT THE

ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE

AN ARMY TO

CLEAN THIS

DAMNED HOUSE!



I'm sorry.... What was the question?

Horoscope 2011

If you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating! The "meanings" are at the bottom.


1. Which is your favorite color out of: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?

2. Your first initial?

3. Your month of birth?

4. Which color do you like more, black or white?

5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

6. Your favorite number?

7. Do you like California or Florida more?

8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?



When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)







Answers

1. If you choose:

Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

2. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum &your love life is soon to blossom .
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

3 If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love lif e will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

4.If you chose:

Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person is your best friend.

6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

7. If you chose:

California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:

Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

Inter-Galactic Travel

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself and then stick it in his ear, you REALLY don't want to mess with him!"

How to pass time at a stoplight...

Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you.

Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell:

"Oh, did you fart, too?"

Tennis Challenge

When you need a change of pace try this...

Click above

This Will Keep you busy or Drive You Nuts!

Kids Say The Darndest Things....

Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why Did God make Mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How Did God Make Mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff...
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Like does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's The Boss At Your House?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's The Difference Between Moms And Dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

You know you're from rural Saskatchewan when . . .

1. You never meet any celebrities except maybe "Theresa Sokyrka or The Cottonpickers " or the Johner Bros !
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Moose Jaw Spa.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use (or need) a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
11. You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events.
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer,fish and saskatoons.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the beer store at any given time.
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pyjamas.
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23 You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
25. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Saskatchewan.

Some Laughs For You

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 140 kilometers an hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 110, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep quiet for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep quiet?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.





GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.



Pass this webpage along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.


If not...tough!

For My Ukrainian Friends

веселого Різдва але з Новим роком

Christos Rahzdayetsia...Schalivoho Novoho Roku.

This is Amazing (True Story)

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. (Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.) Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxesand ripping him off.

Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.

The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!

That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!

Crabby Old Woman?

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman



What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.


A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.


A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.


A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.


At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.


For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.


I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.


The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.


But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.


I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.


So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM. IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.

Blonde Chick with Nice Pussy

XXX Rated.


Click here.

Fact or Crap?

Sir Thomas Crapper invented the toilet.





. Thomas Crapper was a real person, who operated a plumbing business in 19th century London, but he didn’t invent the flush toilet. This is credited, instead, to Joseph Adamson, who took out the first patent for a flush toilet in 1853. A 1969 book by Wallace Reyburn, Flushed with Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper, has helped to propagate the myth that Crapper was the inventor of the toilet. Reyburn’s biography of Crapper is simply a fabrication.

My Son The Veterinarian

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed...

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession, " the pastor says. Where does he practice?"



The old lady says proudly....

"Well, He has two cat houses in Las Vegas ---and one in Reno."



,/p>