Ten reasons to go to work naked..actually 11...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your already exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

On-Line Orgasm!

Give it a try!

Click here.

Rude Spoonerisms

It's easy to get tongue-tied and accidentally say something rude, as you'll know if you've ever watched one of those compilations of TV slip-ups. Often just switching two small sounds in a phrase will result in an embarrassing, or even obscene Spoonerism!

Try reading these out loud, ONCE, but not within earshot of your grandmother... just in case!


The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.

Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.

He fills her soul with hope.



It's the Tale of Two Cities.

Have you brought your sleeping bag?

She is sure pretty.



Have you seen her sick duck?

Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!

He's not a pheasant plucker.

She showed me her tool kits.



He's a smart fella.

A hot pie would make me happy.

Fire truck.

Overhead door.

Rude/Dirty Tongue Twisters

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.


I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.

One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.


I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Fire truck tyres


Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.

NOTE FROM THE WIZARD: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist!

THIS WEEK’S QUOTATIONS

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
- Alexis Carrel, French Nobel Prize-winning surgeon (1873-1944)

We should every night call ourselves to an account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired? Our vices will abate of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Roman writer (54 BC - 39 AD)

"I have done my best." That is about all the philosophy of living one needs.
- Lin Yutang, Chinese writer, inventor (1895-1976)

Let us be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die, so let us be thankful.
- Siddhartha Gautama, Indian spiritual teacher, founder of Buddhism (563-483 BCE)

My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.
- Clarence Buddinton Kelland, writer (1881-1964)

Apologies that merit forgiveness reflect the ethical virtues of respect and responsibility. They show respect because they express a sincere, deeply held regret for the way injury was caused and responsibility because the apologizer is not only sorry but will not do it again.
- Michael Josephson

*Character Counts

TRUE or FALSE? YOU DECIDE!

Hey Jude was the Beatles’ last No. 1 hit single in the U.S.

Nope. It was The Long and Winding Road, which last topped the charts on June 13, 1970.

Major League Baseball’s Darren Baker Rule sets the minimum age for bat boys at 14.

Yup. The rule was implemented following the 2002 World Series after Darren Baker, the three-year-old son of San Francisco Giants manager Dusty Baker, was nearly mowed down at home plate when he wandered out of the dugout to retrieve a bat.

The non-monetary payment was given to the doctor who delivered Dolly Parton was a chicken.

No-Way, man! It was a sack of cornmeal. Dr. Robert Thomas’s medical bag is on display in the Chasing Rainbows Museum at Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

Watches were the first product Richard Sears sold—before launching his famous Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog.

Yep. Sears, a railroad station agent in North Redwood, Minnesota, started selling watches in 1886 after a local jewelry store refused delivery of a shipment. When the watches sold, he ordered more, then hooked up with watch repairman Alvah Roebuck. Soon after they started their successful mail-order business.



Richard Warren Sears

The Wiz On The Street

Thirty-three pastors in 22 states are in danger of losing tax-exempt status for their churches after endorsing a candidate from the pulpit. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Rebecca Landsman,
Systems Analyst
"I'm glad I have no idea who my vehemently pro-life, anti-gay-marriage, anti-stem-cell-research, pro-intelligent-design pastor endorses."

Bill Norris,
Computer Programmer
"I, for one, enjoyed my pastor's fiery reading from the Drudge Report last Sunday."

Bob Valchek,
Teacher's Aid
"Great, now I have to sit through more boring sermons about God and faith."

*American Voices, The Onion

Not My Prime Minister

From the webpage “Not My Prime Minister”:

“Not My Prime Minister” is a non-partisan group of people who have come together to raise awareness about the policies of Stephen Harper’s Conservatives during the 2008 Federal Election and beyond. The group’s main focus is to highlight the policies of the Harper administration, carried out with a minority government, which we believe have been destructive to communities across Canada and the environment we live in.

Click above to visit the website

Paul Newman's Legacy

The following is a commentary by Michael Josephson,
from CharacterCounts.org:

Paul Newman’s life was commemorated in thousands of obituaries all over the world. It was often noted that he was an Oscar-winning Hollywood superstar who often played unsavory characters – pool hustlers, con men, and killers.

But in life he was so much better than that.

Other common descriptors included director, race-car driver, entrepreneur, activist, philanthropist, humanitarian, practical joker, father of five, and a happily married man for 50 years. That’s quite a legacy, especially in Hollywood.

I saw him interviewed many times and was always struck by how fundamentally down to earth and sensible he seemed. He was a man who knew how to capitalize on his fame and enjoy his wealth without pretention or vanity. He was proud to have been in the top 20 of Richard Nixon’s Enemies List, and he loved and took quite seriously driving race cars on the professional circuit.

Yet the most exceptional thing about Paul Newman was his philanthropy. He created Newman’s Own, a natural food company with his picture on every label and the slogan “Shameless exploitation in pursuit of the common good.”

Although he was shocked that the brand became hugely successful (he once remarked that it was a joke that got out of control), he never wavered from his commitment to donate every cent of profit to charity – about $250 million so far.

His Hole in the Wall Gang camps have become the world’s largest family of camps serving children with serious illnesses.

It was reported that a week before he died he sat with his daughter in the arbor of his garden and said, “It’s been a privilege to be here.”

It was our privilege as well.

I once wrote that what will matter in the end is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what. Paul Newman will long be remembered by millions of beneficiaries of his talent and generosity as a man who made the world better.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

*CharacterCounts

Thought for the day...

Near a boat docked in a tiny Maritime village, an Albertan tourist compliments the Maritime fisherman on the quality of his fish, and asks how long it took him to catch them.

'Not very long,' answered the Maritimer.

'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?' asked the Albertan..

The Maritimer explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The Albertan asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of your time?'

'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a nap with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs ... I have a full life.'

The Albertan interrupted, 'I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!

You should start by fishing longer everyday. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.'

'And after that?' asked the Maritimer.

'With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Toronto, Boston, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.'



'How long would that take?' asked the Maritimer.

'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the Albertan.

'And after that?'

'Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting,' answered the Albertan, laughing. 'When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!'

'Millions? Really? And after that?' said the Maritimer.

'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a nap with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.'

And the moral is: Know where you're going in life ... you may already be there!

We all need to realize how much we have, and how little we really need.

*Thanks, Pam

IN THE LIFE

Below is a letter from the very good PBS show "IN THE LIFE":


Our New Format

Dear Friends,

With the launch of our new season this October, I'd like to share some exciting news.
New Season. No Repeats.

For the first time since we went monthly back in 2001, our 17th Season will not include a single repeated episode. As part of a larger strategic move to bring new content to our viewers more often, IN THE LIFE is shifting to a 30-minute format starting with our October Season Premiere. As we have gathered information for our recent rebranding and our new strategic plan, we have heard repeatedly from members and viewers that they want new material more often and fewer repeats.

There will be something new in every episode; at minimum one of our new A Conversation With... segments. We will also be using unaired archival footage, and new footage, to bring our viewers updates on some of our best stories. This will allow us to continue educating both new, and existing, viewers on the struggles and triumphs of the LGBT movement and community.

In keeping with In The Life Media's tradition as a pioneer media organization, dedicated to providing information on LGBT life, this shift is in-step with the changing media environment, where - increasingly - viewers are enjoying their programs as streaming video on their desktops and widescreens, or downloading them to their iPods. The 30-minute format also follows a trend in broadcasting to the half-hour format of other PBS public affairs programs, i.e. NOW on Friday nights.
While we are going to a shorter format overall, IN THE LIFE will not lose any of what we're best known for: credible, provocative and relevant stories about the LGBT community. Each episode will include a feature segment focusing on an important issue: marriage equality (October); preventing LGBT teen suicide (November); or rising HIV rates among young men of color (March); a second cultural story, and one of our acclaimed A Conversation With... segments. October's conversation will feature NAACP Chairman Julian Bond with Washington Post editorial writer Jonathan Capehart. Later in the season, we will broadcast conversations with American Federation of Teachers President Randi Weingarten and Empire State Pride Agenda Executive Director Alan Van Capelle, and author of Gay New York, Professor George Chauncey, with New York Governor David Paterson, among others.

IN THE LIFE has long been a valuable resource to educational institutions in the United States, including The Julliard School, Harvard and Drexel Universities. This shorter format will be more classroom-friendly, making it more readily accessible to educators and their students.

Website Update
Last week, we launched additional upgrades to our website, including a new, more content rich, homepage and an upgraded "Get IN THE LIFE" feature. "Get IN THE LIFE" allows viewers to send their local station an email through our website to:

1. Request that it airs IN THE LIFE

2. Request better airtimes for IN THE LIFE

3. Thank those stations that do air our program

As the Internet increasingly becomes not only a space for advocacy, but also a portal for many users to watch educational programming, our website will continue to evolve to meet all of our viewers and donors' needs.

For general questions or comments about our programming, please email comments@inthelifetv.org. For questions about becoming a member or donating to IN THE LIFE, please email membership@inthelifetv.org.
Thanks for your incredible support making our work possible.
Sincerely,

Michelle Kristel
Executive Director

An Australian Definition of a Canadian++

In case anyone asks you who a Canadian is . . .


You probably missed it in the local news, but there was a report that someone in Pakistan had advertised in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed a Canadian - any Canadian.


An Australian dentist wrote the following editorial to help define what a Canadian is, so they would know one when they found one.


A Canadian can be English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish,Polish,

Russian or Greek. A Canadian can be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan. A Canadian may also be a Cree, Métis, Mohawk, Blackfoot, Sioux, or one of the many other tribes known as native Canadians. A Canadian's religious beliefs range from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or none. In fact, there are more Muslims in Canada than in Afghanistan. The key difference is that in Canada they are free to worship as each of them chooses. Whether they have a religion or no religion, each Canadian ultimately answers only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

A Canadian lives in one of the most prosperous lands in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.

A Canadian is generous and Canadians have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return. Canadians welcome the best of everything, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services and the best minds.

But they also welcome the least - the oppressed, the outcast and the rejected.

These are the people who built Canada. You can try to kill a Canadian if you must as other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world have tried but in doing so you could just be killing a relative or a neighbour. This is because Canadians are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit,everywhere, can be a Canadian.

'Keep your stick on the ice'

*Thanks, Gary

++The above has been determined by Snopes to be "FALSE" - Thanks to Erwin for pointing it out! See, The Wizard does NOT know all or see all! ;-)

http://www.snopes.com/rumors/america2.asp

This is the original article Sept. 25/01!
http://www.nationalreview.com/comment/comment-ferrara092501.shtml

How to deal with information overload

We live in a 24x7 culture, where multitasking isn’t just fashionable; it’s considered essential. Astounding numbers of people write text messages or take phone calls while they’re driving, write to-do lists in meetings, or read e-mails while they’re on the phone. The more tasks we juggle, the more we cram into our lives, the more productive we feel.

But have we really got it all, or just pieces of everything? Are we juggling too much as we race breathlessly through the day, and are we losing the ability to focus on anything in depth? Has a constant flow of data become something we crave, the symbol of a full life?

Drowning in data

With messages flying at us from all directions, we’re drowning in data. The average office worker receives over 150 e-mails a day, not to mention numerous calls on different types of telephone, faxes, SMS and instant messages from colleagues and friends. Our attention is constantly being demanded by the beeps and rings of one electronic device or another. And this is especially distracting in the workplace, where it can actually stop us doing our job properly and even lead to stress-related health problems.

Many workers are starting to feel that the constant interruptions and demands on their attention are preventing them from concentrating on their work. Our brains need time to disengage from one task and switch attention completely to a new one. Indeed, once we have been taken away from a task, it takes on average half an hour to be able to return to it. In the long term, information overload can erode our ability to focus and think at a deeper level.

Finding the focus

The problem isn’t that there’s too much information: it’s how to deal with it. We need to manage the demand and allocate time for ourselves to concentrate and make the most of the information we receive. Here are a few tips that may help:

• Prioritise. Before you start work, take time to identify what you really need to do, then tackle one task at a time, starting with the most difficult. Don’t try and fit quick and easy tasks in between. With every switch, your brain has to refocus.

• Pay attention. Train yourself to finish one task at a time. Choose what you need to do and do it properly with 100 percent of your attention. Resist the urge to multitask. Think quality, not quantity. Organise your time, take breaks, get some fresh air, refocus.

• Switch off. Don’t be a slave to the beep! When you need to work, switch off e-mail and instant messaging, and put your phones on voice mail. Decide for yourself when is the best time to tackle your in-box. You could perhaps allot two sessions to this task, in the morning and then the afternoon. The important thing is to resist the urge to check messages in between. Tell people you have a new policy in order to get work done. They’ll get used to it.

• Consolidate. When you need to write an e-mail, force yourself to be concise. Five sentences is a good limit. Be considerate: Don’t overload your colleagues’ mail boxes with information and unnecessary messages, like “thanks!” or “great!” Try to send fewer messages, and keep the information in what you do send relevant.

Remember: when you send a message, you may be interrupting someone’s work. Make sure it’s worth it!


For more useful learning tips, please visit the HP Learning Centre.

Women

BEHIND EVERY
SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF




A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER




I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER




COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH




I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN




WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT



OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME




DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN



ALL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE TO CHOKE







And last but not least:



IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

*Thanks, Daryn

Skydiving...

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Six Brazilian men die in skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

*Thanks,Vil

biarn teirwsts

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Click here for the answers.

An Ode to Happy is Happy

Happy is being loved
Being warm and full
Being satiated with the joy
That comes from love
It is the heat of the heart
The smell of warm food for the mind
For the body, for the soul
It is knowing you are wanted
It is knowing the future will be good
It is the eternal state of bliss

Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."

"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."