Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong driveway and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"I noticed smoke rising from under the bonnet. Realizing the car was on fire, I pulled over, took out my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."

"The driver in front of me hit a pedestrian. He got up from where he lay, so I hit him again."

Can You Guess Someone's Age?

Try your luck at guessing people's age from their pictures. Click here. Click on "Guess Ages"

100 Reasons To be Gay...

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

The consequences of an instantaneous switch to the metric system in the U.S.

Border Crossing Guards




OOPS!












A hand is a hand, or so I thought....


Metric Scale


Drug Metrics 101


Use Yer Eyes, Man!

Da Vinci Credited With Developing The First Search Engine

Click here.

Making Sense Of English

Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

"The Penis Poem"

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I ve got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.


It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

--Unknown

Strange People (Facts)

Click Below:

Wise Words

Food allergy vs. food intolerance
Food allergy: An allergic reaction to a food triggered by the immune system. It can cause serious health problems and even death. Note: If you have a food allergy and emergency epinephrine (adrenalin) is recommended by your doctor, keep it with you at all times. Wear a medical alert bracelet or carry information that identifies your food allergies.

Food intolerance: An adverse reaction to a food that leads to unpleasant, but not life-threatening, symptoms. It does not involve an immune system reaction.

-Mayo Clinic-

Work
"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."
-Kahlil Gibran

Never frown
Never frown, because you never know who may be falling in love with your smile.

Add Fitness to your Daily Routine
1. If you find you can't devote enough time to getting in shape as you would like, there are still plenty of ways you can keep your body active while going about your normal routine.
2. Try to use stairways instead of elevators whenever possible.
3. If you can walk there or take a bike, let your body burn energy instead of taking your car.
4. If you are driving, instead of wasting time looking for a good spot, park further away and walk a couple extra blocks.
5. Turn your housework into a fitness challenge: Sweep and mop using as much energy as possible, exaggerating your arm movements. Fold your clothes and do a couple sets of squats at the same time. Whatever you're doing try and incorporate in some sort of routine that gets your muscles working and heart rate moving.
6. And if you absolutely can't miss your favorite show on TV, try doing some sit-ups and push-ups while you watch or during commercials.

Happiness
Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, if you capture it against it's will, you will kill it, but if you set your mind on other things, it might just come and sit gently on your shoulder.

Being Wise
"How do you know so much about everything?" was asked of a very wise and intelligent man; and the answer was, "By never being afraid or ashamed to ask questions as to anything of which I was ignorant."

-- John Abbott, 19th century Canadian Prime Minister

eBay

*Thanks, Dayn

Ukrainian tomato garden

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Winnipeg. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Walter,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Papa,

Don’t dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Walter

At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Walter

*Thanks, Daryn

I'm a MAC but We are the PC's

An old but telling cartoon from istartedsomething.com

How do phishing scams work?

by Sergei Shevchenko, PC Tools

Hackers use telecoms systems (such as email) to catch sensitive information from the victims by setting up baits. These are heavily reliant on social engineering tricks to fool people into believing that the received electronic communication is authentic and trustworthy.

In a typical phishing scam, the person receives an email disguised as an official email from PayPal, eBay or their online bank. The email asks them to follow the forged link and enter details into the hacker’s web site, which is disguised to look authentic. The hacker may then log on to the victim’s account by using the details, change the password to lock the victim out from their own account, and transfer their money into so-called ‘drops’, bank accounts used by money-laundering criminal groups.

Why have phishing scams grown so fast?
The internet is growing rapidly. People who are new to it are not aware of the risks. In fact, many blindly trust everything they receive. Cyber-crooks can camouflage malicious activity by hiding their true identity and intentions.

There are no regulations against fraudulent web sites, and very often they are hosted by fraudulent internet service providers. It takes time for the security community to shut them down, so there is always a window of opportunity for phishers.

What is the best way to protect myself?
If someone contacts you, and you are willing to respond, contact them using alternative means. For example, if PayPal, eBay or your bank asks you to log on to resolve a dispute, clarify a transaction or renew your details, give them a phone call.

*Windows Vista Magazine Online

Water Bill

Jennifer and Jim kept getting huge water bills. They knew beyond a doubt that the bills weren't representative of their actual usage, and no matter how they tried to conserve, the high bills continued. Although they could see nothing wrong, they had everything checked for leaks or problems: first the water meter, then outdoor pipes, indoor pipes, underground pipes, faucets, toilets, washers, ice maker, etc. -- all to no avail.

One day Jim was sick and stayed home in bed, but kept hearing water running somewhere downstairs. He finally tore himself from his bed to investigate and stumbled onto the cause of such high water bills.

Apparently this was happening all day long when they were not at home.

Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the 'problem' for posterity

*Thanks, Pam

The 'Middle Wife'

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

*Thanks, Karen

Jest Jokes...

A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.



A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."



Confucius say: “Beans in sandy soil causes Dust in the Wind”



A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”



Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?
A. He uses "windows". (Lame one)



Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm drowning! (Even Lamer!)



Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Try This At Home!

Homemade Metal Detector





Forget your combination?

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Emergency Call Video - Spoof

Recall about a year ago there was a US beauty pageant and Miss South Carolina was called up on stage to explain how she was going to solve world hunger and other problems... the usual questions heh heh. As you might recall she did a George Bush and spit out a bunch of unintelligible garble. Well this spawned a bunch of videos on her. Here is one of Ms South Carolina calling 911 that you might enjoy. Click on the video below

*Thanks, Erwin

Lawyers

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

*Thanks, Erwin