Diaries

 1. HER DIARY 

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. 

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. 

I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. 

About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. 

2. HIS DIARY 

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Retired With Nothing to Do

Walmart to Mrs. Gutierrez

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez;

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.


Mr. Wally Brown,
President and CEO
Walmart Complaint Department


Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


(And; last, but not least!)


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!

have you noticed?

 

Optical Illusions

Click here.

KING KONG and the VESPA

Traits - As Per your Birth Month...

Look at the statements below. Choose the month of your birth, to find out more about yourself. 

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious. 

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions. 

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Sensitive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Aggressive when provoked. Sensitive to others. Loves to help others. Not easily angered. Trustworthy. Defends others. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Varied interests. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Strong! belief system. Hasty in trusting o! thers. Loves home decor. Musically talented. Depends on friends. Loves special things. Moody and easily hurt. A giving lover. Very loyal. Deep thinker. Feels deeply. A romantic. Loves to be loved. Thrifty. Loves down time alone. 

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality.! Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, Friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous.Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory.Moving motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see. 

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. ; Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited. Spendthrift. 

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn. 

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and ! to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional. Temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. 

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, mu sic and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax.. Hasty and trusty.Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends. 

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control onese! lf when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. ! Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic. 

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairv! oyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children. 

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance.Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If ! there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable. 

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending.. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.

Yer Kookum

A drunken ole man staggers angrily into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Peering around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

  

He gets up,stomps right up to the table, leans over and looks at the biggest, meanest one of them, a Cree dude, and says:

  

"I went by your Kookum's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

  

The Cree guy just looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad indian and would fight at the drop of a hat.

  

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

  

The guy's buddies are starting to get really mad but he still says nothing.

  

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

  

At this point he stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

 

"Moosum, go home, you're drunk."

Kookum = Grandma, Moosum = Grandpa

Creative Johns

 

 

Ain't Love Grand?

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.

The boss asks him, “What do you think is your worst quality?”

The man says, “I’m probably too honest.”

The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”

The man replies, “I don’t care about what you think!” 

Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?

It will be called "Hoosier Daddy!" 



Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don't go out with married women.

Her: But I'm your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.   



A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

‘No, just leave it in the carton!’

 

This is my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder. 

Amazon is approved for drone delivery...

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.  

Little Johnny's mother: "Johnny, your teacher mailed me a permission slip so she could offer you the part of a marionette in the school play and I signed it."

Little Johnny: "I know and she offered me the part but I turned it down. You never want to play a part that has that many strings attached." 

One morning over breakfast, a husband was complaining to his wife. “I’ve been with the circus for over 25 years, and every performance I follow behind the elephants and clean up their poop. Twenty-five years, ‘Scoop the poop! Scoop the poop!’ I’m tired of it.”

His wife calmly said, “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you quit?”

“What! And leave show business?!” 

Where are average things manufactured?

At Satisfactory.  

Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.

$100 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows everything.

Was given this like 10 years ago...

 

 

I should try to find Mr. Kozak to redeem this 100,000 bill. This is the year 2022

Warning!

 

Why Older Chicks Rule

by Andy Rooney from CBS "60 Minutes".

This is for all you girls 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are scared of moving into their 50's...AND 60's.... and for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Privacy Policy for 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow

Privacy Policy for 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow

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Finally....

 Someone has been able to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow. . . .

Still my dream car

Ever since I was a teen (ok, 18) readin' Car & Driver, I had a dream. I dreamed that one day I would own the car of my dreams. This car would be red, it would be Teutonic (German), it would be lightning fast, it would attract the girls (ok, the guys....;-), and I would have it by the time I was 40.

Well I am now 59. Do I now have the car? No way - No-how and unfortunately, not in the near future. It is selling for €140,000.00 ( approx. £123,309 or $184,841) for a 1980. Yes, that is the current price - !! New it cost about $60K...shoulda bought one then...

The BMW M1 is a sports car that was produced by German automaker BMW from 1978 to 1981. It was the only mid-engined BMW to be mass produced. It employed a twin-cam M88/1 3.5 L 6-cylinder gasoline engine with Kugelfischer mechanical fuel injection. A version of this motor was later used in the South African version of the BMW 745i, of which 209 examples were built between 1984 and 1986, as well as the E24 BMW M6/M635CSi and E28 BMW M5. The engine had six separate throttle butterflies, four valves per cylinder and produced 277 PS (273 hp/204 kW) in the street version, giving a top speed of 260 km/h!

Milestones BMW M1

Specifications :

Type : BMW M1 Project E26

Years built : 1978 - 1981
Production : 457 (400 road versions, the other are race cars)
Chassisnr : n.a.
Presentation : October 1978 Paris Auto Show
Type of car : Two door, two seater fastback coupe
Designed by : Giorgio Giugiaro for Ital Design
Built by : Multi tube chassis by Marchesi, bodywork by Trasformazione Italiana Resina
Final assembly by Baur, Stuttgart Germany

Dimensions :

Wheelbase : 2560 mm
Overall length : 4346 mm
Overall width : 1823 mm
Overall height : 1140 mm
Track front : 1549 mm Rear : 1578 mm
Ground clear. : 124 mm
Overhang,Front : n.a. Rear : n.a.
Weight : 1361 Kg

Chassis :

Structure : Multi tube spaceframe
Body : Fiberglass bodywork
Suspension : Independent front & rear, upper and lower unequal length control-arm with Bilstein shock absorbers and co-axial coil springs and anti-roll bars
Brakes : All-wheel ventilated discs, dual hydraulic circuits, booster and pressure limiter on rear axle.
Front : 11.8 Inch Rear : 11.7 Inch
Steering type : Unassisted rack and pinion
Turning circle : n.a.
Tires front : 205/55 VR 16 Rear : 225/50 VR 16
Rims front : 7x16 inch Rear : 8x16 inch
Cast light-alloy

Engine :

Type : Inline 6 cylinder (type M-89), cast iron block, mid mounted longitudal), rear wheel drive
Distribution : Dual overhead camshafts, chain drive, four valves/cylinder
Main bearings : n.a.
Cyl. Capacity : 3453 cc
Bore & stroke : 93.4 x 84 mm
Compr. ratio : 9.0:1
Max. power : 277 bhp at 6500 rpm (Group 4 specs : 477 Bhp)
Max. torque : 243 lbs.ft. at 5000 rpm (Group 5 specs : 850 Bhp from 3.2 Litre turbo-charged engine)
Cooling system : Water cooled
Emission contr.: n.a.
Ignition : n.a.
Plugs : n.a.
Electr. system : 12 V
Alternator : n.a.
Fuel system : Kugelfisher Bosch mechanical port fuel injection
Fuel type : n.a.
Fuel cons. : n.a.
Lubrication : dry sump

Drive train :

Type : ZF five speed close ratio
Clutch : n.a.
Gear ratio's 1st : 2.42:1 2nd : 1.61:1 3rd : 1.14:1
4th : 0.846:1 5th : 0.704:1 Rev.: 2.86:1
Final drive : 4.22:1

Capacities :

Fuel : n.a. Engine oil : n.a.
Luggage : n.a. 

Cooling system : n.a.

Performance :

Top speed : 262 Km.h
0 - 100 Km/h : 5.6 sec Standing Km. : n.a.

Price : $ 53.000 (1978)

Current value : $ 190.000 to $ 300.000

BMW M1 - click here for a larger picture

I still lose my breath when I see these in pictures! Can't wait to have one in my parking spot - oh yeah, that's right. Ain't gonna happen! -- hey OZians, my birthday is coming up! :-)

* - - Post is dedicated to my best friend Randall - Miss you. May you rest in peace - -

The 411 - Groundhog Day

 ***In Canada we have Wiarton Willie***

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL THE GROUNDHOG

 Groundhog Day is an annual holiday celebrated on February 2. It is held in the United States and Canada. According to folklore, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue for six more weeks.

 The holiday, which began as a Pennsylvania German custom in southeastern and central Pennsylvania in the 18th and 19th centuries, has its origins in ancient European weather lore, wherein a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator as opposed to a groundhog. The holiday also bears some similarities to the medieval Catholic holiday of Candlemas. It also bears similarities to the Pagan festival of Imbolc, the seasonal turning point of the Celtic calendar, which is celebrated on February 2 and also involves weather prognostication.

 Modern customs of the holiday involve celebrations where early morning festivals are held to watch the groundhog emerging from its burrow. In southeastern Pennsylvania, Groundhog Lodges (Grundsow Lodges) celebrate the holiday with fersommlinge, social events in which food is served, speeches are made, and one or more g'spiel (plays or skits) are performed for entertainment. The Pennsylvania German dialect is the only language spoken at the event, and those who speak English pay a penalty, usually in the form of a nickel, dime or quarter, per word spoken, put into a bowl in the center of the table.

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL THE GROUNDHOG

 The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where crowds as high as 40,000 have gathered to celebrate the holiday since at least 1886. Other celebrations of note in Pennsylvania take place in Quarryville in Lancaster County, the Anthracite Region of Schuylkill County, the Sinnamahoning Valley and Bucks County. Outside of Pennsylvania, notable celebrations occur in the Frederick and Hagerstown areas of Maryland, the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, Woodstock, Illinois, and among the Amish populations of over twenty states and Canada. The University of Dallas in Irving,Texas has taken Groundhog Day as its official university holiday and organizes a large-scale celebration every year in honor of the Groundhog.

 Groundhog Day received worldwide attention as a result of the 1993 film of the same name, Groundhog Day, which was set in Punxsutawney (though filmed primarily in Woodstock, Illinois) and featured Punxsutawney Phil.

*Wikipedia

Today is Groundhog Day!

 

Wiarton Willie did not see his shadow!

Early spring!

Click above to visit the Wiarton Willie Festival page

LOL

 

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?

Well, it's sh*t ... that's right, sh*t! sh*t may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:

You can get sh*t-faced, Be sh*t-out-of-luck, Or have sh*t for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your sh*t together, find a place for your sh*t, or be asked to sh*t or get off the pot.

You can smoke sh*t, buy sh*t, sell sh*t, lose sh*t, find sh*t, forget sh*t, and tell others to eat sh*t.

Some people know their sh*t, while others can't tell the difference between sh*t and shineola.

There are lucky sh*ts, dumb sh*ts, and crazy sh*ts. There is bull sh*t, horse sh*t, and chicken sh*t.

You can throw sh*t, sling sh*t, catch sh*t, shoot the sh*t, or duck when the sh*t hits the fan.

You can give a sh*t or serve sh*t on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep sh*t or be happier than a pig in sh*t.

Some days are colder than sh*t, some days are hotter than sh*t, and some days are just plain sh*tty.

Some music sounds like sh*t, things can look like sh*t, and there are times when you feel like sh*t.

You can have too much sh*t, not enough sh*t, the right sh*t, the wrong sh*t or a lot of weird sh*t.

You can carry sh*t, have a mountain of sh*t, or find yourself up sh*t creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh*t and other times you fall in a bucket of sh*t and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your sh*t, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a sh*t; or not do so if you don't give a sh*t!

Well, sh*t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a sh*t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of sh*t. But, if you happened to catch a load of sh*t from some sh*t-head........... 

Well, Sh*t Happens!!

Miracle Uses for WD-40

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product, they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans.

The rest, as they say, is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. Only one of them is the "brew master." There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets it's distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are some of the uses:

*Protects silver from tarnishing
*Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
*Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
*Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery
*Keeps flies off cows (What do ya mean you don't have a cow in the kitchen? Doesn't everyone?)

*Restores and cleans chalkboards
*Removes lipstick stains
*Loosens stubborn zippers
*Untangles jewelry chains
*Removes stains from stainless steel sinks 

*Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
*Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
*Removes tomato stains from clothing
*Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
*Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors

*Keeps scissors working smoothly
*Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
*Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
*Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
*Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises 

*Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
*Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
*Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers
*Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
*Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans 

*Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
*Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
*Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
*Removes splattered grease on stove
*Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging 

*Lubricates prosthetic limbs (Cool! I can finally throw away the KY-Jelly!)
*Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
*Removes all traces of duct tape
*I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.

*Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs" from grills and bumpers
*The favorite use in the state of New York--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
*WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
*Use it for fire ant bites It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
*WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.

*Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
*If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.(If I knew what a distributor cap was, it might help)
*WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape mung (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days! 

*Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor!
*Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
*Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
*Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!

What Teachers Make

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher. Be honest. What do

you make?"

Having a reputation for honesty and frankness I replied, "You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence."

"You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them criticize.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English.

I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

I paused and continued. "You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

"Teachers make every other profession possible!"

Martha VS. Maxine

Click above

The Concert

 

Click above. Use your back button to return to 'OZ'

Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. 

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. 

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Nineteen inches." 

"Ninteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor. 

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

R.I.P. Howard Hesseman (1940 - 2022)

Howard Hesseman, best known for playing Johnny Fever, the radio DJ in the sitcom "WKRP in Cincinnati" has died at age 81. 

Hesseman died Saturday in Los Angeles due to complications from colon surgery, his manager Robbie Kass said Sunday.

Aww... Shitt!

 

Cancer News from Johns Hopkins

1. No plastic containers in microwave. 

2. No water bottles in freezer. 

3. No plastic wrap in microwave. 

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic. Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital, was on TV to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. 

He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. 

So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. 

The dioxin problem is one of the reasons. Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

The Wizard will have to take their word for it...

   

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 

8 . WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) 

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Magic Beer...I'll have one of those

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer" he says. 

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." 

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. 

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. 

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window....plummets 30 stories....breaks every bone in her body......and dies. 

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Pharmacology Lesson

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of "MOUNT & DO."

ENJOY!