Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Monday, January 24, 2022
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Sunday, January 23, 2022
Bob and Larry (and what the goat saw)
Once upon a time two guys, Bob and Larry, were walking through a forest and they came across this HUGE hole in the ground. They pondered the possibility of just how deep the hole might be.
Bob said to Larry, “Larry, I bet we just need to throw a rock down in the hole and then we will know how deep it is.” So Bob threw a rock in the hole. They waited and waited, and never heard a blasted thing. Larry said, “Bob, we need a bigger rock!”
So Larry went and found a bigger rock, it was almost as big as Bob. Larry hucked the rock in the hole and they waited. They waited some more, still not a blasted thing. Then Bob broke the silence by exclaiming, “We need something BIGGER!”
He went walking through the forest and came back with an old railroad tie, hoisted it above his head and threw it in the hole. They waited and waited, then out of no where this goat came running through the forest. The goat was moving so fast Bob and Larry barely got a glimpse of it as it flew up in the air and jumped down the hole.
Bob turned to Larry and said, “That is just about the strangest thing I’ve ever seen .” Bob and Larry sat and pondered the speed of the goat for a couple of minutes and then along came farmer Randy. Randy asked Bob and Larry (with a thick Montana accent), “Have y’all seen a goat around here?” Bob and Larry glanced at each other and then retold the story of the goat running through the forest and jumping into the hole.
Randy, looking confused (as Montana ranchers named Randy usually are), responded (again with a thick Montana accent), “That couldn’t have been my goat… he was chained to a railroad tie.”
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:
1. Do not run screaming from the room. This is rude.
2. If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.
3. Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.
4. Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.
5. Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.
6. Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight person as you may be about meeting a queer person.
7. Do not immediately start talking about your boy/girlfriend or husband/wife in order to make it clear that you are straight.
8. Do not ask them how they got that way. Instead, ask yourself how you got the way you are.
9. Do not assume they are dying to talk about being gay.
10. Do not expect them to refrain from talking about being gay.
11. Do not trivialize their experience by assuming it is a bedroom issue. They are gay twenty-four hours a day.
Saturday, January 22, 2022
ONE ROSE & A KIND WORD
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truckload when I'm gone.
THESE ARE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!
How to ship a hippo
You'll need:
1,000-gallon tank per hippo
1,000 gallons of water
Crane
1-pound sedative
Soothing hippo music
2 Aspirin (for you)
How to pack:
1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)
2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.
3. Hold it, hold it - put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.
4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.
WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper.
Friday, January 21, 2022
R.I.P. Louie Anderson (1953 - 2022)
Louie Anderson, known for his award-winning role in "Baskets," has died after being diagnosed with cancer. He was 68.
Anderson died at a hospital in Las Vegas of complications from cancer, said Glenn Schwartz, his longtime publicist. Anderson had a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma, Schwartz said in a previous Tuesday statement.
R.I.P. Michael Lee Aday (Meat Loaf) (1947 - 2022)
Meat Loaf, the heavyweight rock superstar loved by millions for his “Bat Out of Hell” album and for such theatrical, dark-hearted anthems as “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad,” and “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That),” has died. He was 74.
Michael Lee Aday, better known as Meat Loaf, was an American singer and actor. He was noted for his powerful, wide-ranging voice and theatrical live shows. His Bat Out of Hell trilogy—Bat Out of Hell, Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell, and Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose—has sold more than 65 million albums worldwide.
"Paradise By The Dashboard Light" - Meat Loaf
Thursday, January 20, 2022
Mother knows best
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product! Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Bank Robbery
I don't know if it's true or not but it's good for a laugh! This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999:
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
Wednesday, January 19, 2022
You Know your in SO-CAL* when...
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99".
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care.
23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
25. You AND your dog have therapists.
*Southern California
A BLOND CALLS 911 ......
on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
Tuesday, January 18, 2022
Recently Unearthed E-Mail Reveals What Life Was Like In 1995
KNOXVILLE, TN—A 1995 e-mail extracted from the hard drive of a recently unearthed Compaq desktop PC offers a tantalizing glimpse into the day-to-day life of a primitive Internet society, said the archaeologists responsible for its discovery.
"We're very excited by this find, because only by understanding our e-mail past can we hope to understand our e-mail present and future," said Northwestern University archaeology professor Lane Caspari, who has been leading the dig through the equipment storage area of a Knoxville-area credit union since late April, on Tuesday.
"The discovery also sheds new light on the 1990s—an era we know very little about." Written by a "scully666@compuserve.com" and addressed to a "makincopeez@prodigy.net," the writer expresses the ancient equivalent of boredom, asks the receiver about his or her status in their primeval office environment, then refers to the act of sending the e-mail itself.
"Nothing going on," begins the e-mail. "What's up with you? Are you going to Mike's b-day thing on Friday? I'm thinking about it. I might go, but I'm not sure yet." The e-mail continues, "Let me know if you get this e-mail twice. I'm still trying to learn the system. I think the managers know when we're on the Net, so I'll stay away from the web surfing and check my e-mail only once a day."
The e-mail is signed only "K." It contains no subject line. "It shows that these forgotten people of the '90s had many of the same concerns as modern man, such as b-days, and slow periods at work," Caspari said. "The presence of the archaic slang verbalization 'what's up' appears to indicate that they cared about the immediate welfare of others in their closely knit community, much as we do today."
Monday, January 17, 2022
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