My sister is a very intelligent woman when it comes
to "book smarts," but a little naive in the ways of the real world.
She used to work as a waitress, which I won't knock, because it IS a
hard job. But when the cooks told her to go to the basement (restaurant
had no basement) to get the dehydrated water, she searched for the
basement entrance for an hour before realizing she'd been the butt of a
joke. Another time, one of the salad girls had been busy, so my sister
decided to make the salad herself. Just as she was carrying it to the
customer, the salad girl grabbed her and said "what are you doing?" My
sister said "well, she asked for the dressing on the side." You guessed
it- she had put a little salad in the middle of the plate and poured
dressing around the edges!
I was on my way to work early one morning. Having stayed up late with
friends at a club, I wasn't feeling too hot! I decided to get some
coffee from McDonald's and pulled into the drive through. I sat behind a
car for a long time before I had noticed it had its window shade up! As
I patiently continued to wait,I began to wonder how on earth this
person was able to drive with this shade on.
It was quite some time before I realized I had pulled up behind a parked car!!!!!!!
One day I was working in the office at my college. I was asked to phone a
list of 20 students and tell them that their exam for that Friday had
been cancelled. So after I got to about the 10th person I realized that
this was one of my classes. I went to lectures during the week and on
Friday went to take my exam. But I saw no-one from my class there.
Confused, I went to the office to find out what was going on, only to be
told that the exam had been cancelled. The sweet little old
receptionist told me that a young girl who sometimes worked in the
office had phoned everyone. Perhaps, thought the little old lady, the
girl who helped out had tried to reach me but hadn't gotten through. I
felt so stupid since I was the one who phoned everyone. One of my
prouder blonde moments.
One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken
so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just
fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup
please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.
I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red
and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do
something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then
she asked me what colour.
I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will
make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white.
Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red
candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened
teeth were also red.
During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by
taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA.
ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from
the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row
asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"
One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a
good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough
mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started
to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to
stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist
before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back
manually to pull my fingers out.
I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog
stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto
the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't
notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson
would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick
wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I
yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me.
Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.
My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We
were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded
funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and
saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's
in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D'
right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and
shifted the selector back to "D."
I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd
story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were
smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to
go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up
the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck
ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car
quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like
landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me
to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We
returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and
keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the
party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my
friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah
right.......
My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she
assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy
came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I
went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I
found a lot of books on World War 11, though."
I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a
bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be
$1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment,
then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I
said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she
asked.
I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day
after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to
me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"
I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was.
She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch
table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you get
an A on it?"
I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking
along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and
was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know,
there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to
school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get
out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's
really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So,
one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and
remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog
laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!
My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels
fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it
back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some
replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts
and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."
After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the
carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating
this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300
square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then
asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"
My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"
We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who
went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her
husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just
think! The baby will come out speaking German!"
In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The
teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and
said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"
I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world
famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that
never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?"
(Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.)
and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them
AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some
remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on
me.)
I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to sign it yet
and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't signed, gave
me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So she proceeds
with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then takes the card
holds it up next to the receipt and compares the signatures…
My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a
small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece
had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a
dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it
and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My
sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?"
And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"
I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my
things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said,
"I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke
it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a
male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and
proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I
forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about
and in his hand was a big wad of lint.
My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a
tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's
car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized
that it was a part of their car.
My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw
a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road.
I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had
all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she
called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the
wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had
been making fun of my mom's car.
After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing
near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2
middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man
trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He
was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression
was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies
didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy!
Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that
heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard
someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well
that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that
heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because
it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water.
Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!
My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in
Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see,
she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"
This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational
psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a
teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and
the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics
made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said
"feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them
different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had
to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room
this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a
bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She
said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things."
Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological
fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it,
but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The
whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching
YOUR kids someday.
To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my
brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out
what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he
called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of
handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't
catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of
suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.
Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a
brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came
back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard,
then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only
she had brown hair."
Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon
felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen
off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in
her pocket!
I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at
her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were
"slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an
amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side"
...(hence, slice and bake cookies)
Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that
read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how
did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought
occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless
bar was!
I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was
at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955
Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it
for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a
"chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car
off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not
start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY
STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing
about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my
battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell
into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it
started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to
Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to
Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in
1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the
cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard,
"chop..chop..chop."
I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is
closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I
pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a
sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now
moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and
passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop
and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps,
panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME
BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"
One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag
inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I
decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner.
Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do.
When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30
gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner
danced across the living room rug.
During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital proclaiming that
her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her
that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do
any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught our
attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill
the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away.
Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this
day.
One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I
was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend
and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very
surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"
My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about
it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"
I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to
the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with
the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked
the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She
replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."
One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began
to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother
of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My
sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What
are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."
Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of
contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and
went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to
turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles
of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak.
It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I
discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops
instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow!
Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just
fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now
think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed
with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat
eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would
look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and
explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me.
They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!"
and hung up on me.
A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation.
One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had
just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked
him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to
eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took
one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm?
They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the
label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on
the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup
bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup
bottles?
I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The
tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time
they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an
idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they
look at ME weird!
One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside
stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks
one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"
My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I
found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments
(after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck
on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the
floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people
standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."
My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"
I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a
notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I
said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette
and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out
for a little fresh air"!
I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with
ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled
away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have
anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and
said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said
"Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."
I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we
lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights.
My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have
electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed
to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure
she gets it, but someday she'll understand.
I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same
5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often
stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed
closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of
sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He
reached up and shut off the music.
* © 1999, Lynn Sebourn
These
great questions and answers are from days when "Hollywood Squares" game
show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often)
dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions,
of course. 
nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Dear Love Doctor,
