Below are pictures of celebrities taken a few years ago.
HOW MANY DO YOU KNOW?
Who Are They?
Don't hover over the pictures until you give it a try.
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Thursday, November 19, 2020
DO YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE??
HOW MANY DO YOU KNOW?
Who Are They?
Don't hover over the pictures until you give it a try.
Playground in Fort McMurray. Northern Alberta
---- What lovely playmates for the children; they look as if they are full of fun!
Some people build swimming pools in their back yards, but outdoor pools in Fort McMurray just won't work.
Since
this particular family lives on the outskirts of Fort McMurray, they
decided to build a sturdy, colorful playground for their 3- and
4-year-old sons, with smooth-stone gravel all around it to avoid knee
scrapes and other injuries.
They
finished building it on Saturday evening, and the following morning, as
mum was about to wake the boys and let them go out to play in their
new play centre, this is what she saw from the upstairs window.
Wednesday, November 18, 2020
Cute Quips
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL,SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! "
PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON: ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, MMM, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS: A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS: THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS: "OH, GRANDMA, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THAT TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT." THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL: WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "OH YES, I REMEMBER."
100 Reasons To Be Gay
In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d
share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list
then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best
(unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share
and share alike (unless its an STD).
So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.
So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.
St. Barbie
-oil on canvas by Mark Ryden. (Mark Ryden was born on January 20, 1963
in Medford, Oregon, but grew up in Southern California. He received a
B.F.A. in 1987 from Art Center College of Design in Pasadena,
California.)
Mark's paintings instantly trigger a warped deja vu. His work recalls a parallel universe of 1950s Golden Books and the whimsy of Lewis Carroll. His cheery bunnies, rendered in the glowing hues of children’s books, are likely to be carving slabs of meat rather than frolicking in the forest. Ryden’s work mingles superb technique with outre images to create a world of strange and disturbing beauty. “At once intriguing and unsettling, baffling and enchanting, [Ryden’s] works ... are subtle amalgams of many sources and influences as wide-ranging as Psychedelic and Vienna School artists Neon Park and Ernst Fuchs, to classical French formalists Ingres and David.” --Rick Gilbert-Panik
Mark's paintings instantly trigger a warped deja vu. His work recalls a parallel universe of 1950s Golden Books and the whimsy of Lewis Carroll. His cheery bunnies, rendered in the glowing hues of children’s books, are likely to be carving slabs of meat rather than frolicking in the forest. Ryden’s work mingles superb technique with outre images to create a world of strange and disturbing beauty. “At once intriguing and unsettling, baffling and enchanting, [Ryden’s] works ... are subtle amalgams of many sources and influences as wide-ranging as Psychedelic and Vienna School artists Neon Park and Ernst Fuchs, to classical French formalists Ingres and David.” --Rick Gilbert-Panik
To Realize...
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a bride the day before her wedding.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment you have.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
LEGO My Volvo!
Volvo Cars of North America, LLC (VCNA) and
LEGOLAND California are joining forces to promote driving safety and
family values. As part of the recently announced partnership agreement
between the subsidiaries of the two Scandinavian icons, a replica of
Volvo's award-winning SUV, the Volvo XC90, was constructed of LEGO's
famous modeling bricks.
The Volvo XC90 made of LEGO bricks was built by LEGO Master Model Builders, members of an elite team of talented artists who design, create and maintain the thousands of LEGO brick models at LEGOLAND California.
The Volvo XC90 made of LEGO bricks was built by LEGO Master Model Builders, members of an elite team of talented artists who design, create and maintain the thousands of LEGO brick models at LEGOLAND California.
Recently, LEGOLAND's popular Driving School (ages 6
to 13) and its Jr. Driving School (ages 3 to 5) were reintroduced to
carry Volvo's name and reputation for safety. These popular park
attractions offer children the opportunity to drive electric-powered
vehicles made to look like LEGO bricks within the controlled environment
of the drive course. The rules of the road are emphasized, as well as
good safety habits such as buckling up seatbelts.
"By encouraging safety as a learned behavior at an early age, we all benefit - it's never too early to learn about the rules of the road," said Doolan, (President and CEO of Volvo Cars of North America).
"By encouraging safety as a learned behavior at an early age, we all benefit - it's never too early to learn about the rules of the road," said Doolan, (President and CEO of Volvo Cars of North America).
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
The Writings On The "Stall"
If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time
reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in
front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants
to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.
But it is nice the computer age brings funny
restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors.
Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette
butts.
This site is clogged with hundreds of actual
messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls.
We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture,
humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of
paper towels.
My personal favourite:
University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor
E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.
The Writings on the Stall! Language warning! May not be safe for work.
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.
University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor
E=MC2
(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.
The Writings on the Stall! Language warning! May not be safe for work.
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.
The Wiz On The Street
A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for
treatment of schizophrenia reveals that diminished sexual function is an
unwanted side effect. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking,
"What do you think?"
Lyndon Fitzpatrick,
Scuba Instructor
"Where can I get some of those drugs? I'm sick of sex."
Molly Prescott,
Unemployed
"My God. That means virtually everyone on Craigslist is off their meds."
Ty Jackson,
Systems Analyst
"That's
it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the
lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying
hallucinations."
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
Monday, November 16, 2020
Slogans!
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
The Rules of Chocolate
1) If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7) If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8) Money talks. Chocolate sings.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
10) Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
11) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
12) Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables.
And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy.
So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4) Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7) If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8) Money talks. Chocolate sings.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
10) Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
11) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
12) Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables.
And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy.
So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
Barry's Bike.
Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted:
"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy This year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, he slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Dear God,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy This year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Barry.
Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend, Barry.
Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, he slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Barry began to write his letter to God.
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
13 Reasons to Smile
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of
jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
"Darn...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told
to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I
wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN,
AMEN !!
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
13. Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Catholic Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning 3. Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning 3. Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Saturn Eclipse
Don't know if this is real or not, could be since there have been new pictures of Saturn floating around.. but here it is.
Duck Hunting
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my
dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there
aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, then tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f#cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, then tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f#cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
Wisdom of Larry the cable guy.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming; your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Telling The Bees
There was a time when almost every rural British family who kept bees followed a strange tradition.
Whenever there was a death in the family, someone had to go out to the hives and tell the bees of the terrible loss that had befallen the family.
Failing to do so often resulted in further losses such as the bees leaving the hive, or not producing enough honey or even dying.
Traditionally, the bees were kept abreast of not only deaths but all important family matters including births, marriages, and long absence due to journeys. If the bees were not told, all sorts of calamities were thought to happen. This peculiar custom is known as “telling the bees”.
The practice of telling the bees may have its origins in Celtic mythology that held that bees were the link between our world and the spirit world. So if you had any message that you wished to pass to someone who was dead, all you had to do was tell the bees and they would pass along the message.
The typical way to tell the bees was for the head of the household, or “goodwife of the house” to go out to the hives, knock gently to get the attention of the bees, and then softly murmur in a doleful tune the solemn news.
Little rhymes developed over the centuries specific to a particular region. In Nottinghamshire, the wife of the dead was heard singing quietly in front of the hive,
“The master's dead, but don't you go; Your mistress will be a good mistress to you.”
In Germany, a similar couplet was heard, “Little bee, our lord is dead; Leave me not in my distress”.
But the relationship between bees and humans goes beyond superstition. It’s a fact, that bees help humans survive. 70 of the top 100 crop species that feed 90% of the human population rely on bees for pollination.
Without them, these plants would cease to exist and with it all animals that eat those plants. This can have a cascading effect that would ripple catastrophically up the food chain.
Losing a beehive is much worse than losing a supply of honey. The consequences are life threatening.
The act of telling the bees emphasizes this deep connection humans share with the insect.
Art: The Bee Friend, a painting by Hans Thoma (1839–1924)
Whenever there was a death in the family, someone had to go out to the hives and tell the bees of the terrible loss that had befallen the family.
Failing to do so often resulted in further losses such as the bees leaving the hive, or not producing enough honey or even dying.
Traditionally, the bees were kept abreast of not only deaths but all important family matters including births, marriages, and long absence due to journeys. If the bees were not told, all sorts of calamities were thought to happen. This peculiar custom is known as “telling the bees”.
The practice of telling the bees may have its origins in Celtic mythology that held that bees were the link between our world and the spirit world. So if you had any message that you wished to pass to someone who was dead, all you had to do was tell the bees and they would pass along the message.
The typical way to tell the bees was for the head of the household, or “goodwife of the house” to go out to the hives, knock gently to get the attention of the bees, and then softly murmur in a doleful tune the solemn news.
Little rhymes developed over the centuries specific to a particular region. In Nottinghamshire, the wife of the dead was heard singing quietly in front of the hive,
“The master's dead, but don't you go; Your mistress will be a good mistress to you.”
In Germany, a similar couplet was heard, “Little bee, our lord is dead; Leave me not in my distress”.
But the relationship between bees and humans goes beyond superstition. It’s a fact, that bees help humans survive. 70 of the top 100 crop species that feed 90% of the human population rely on bees for pollination.
Without them, these plants would cease to exist and with it all animals that eat those plants. This can have a cascading effect that would ripple catastrophically up the food chain.
Losing a beehive is much worse than losing a supply of honey. The consequences are life threatening.
The act of telling the bees emphasizes this deep connection humans share with the insect.
Art: The Bee Friend, a painting by Hans Thoma (1839–1924)
HYUK!
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
Saturday, November 14, 2020
CHOCOLATE SINGS
One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I taste all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
There are too many books I haven't read. There are more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.
I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I taste all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
There are too many books I haven't read. There are more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.
I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS
Rednecks Ice fishing
Two rednecks are out ice fishing at their favorite
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,
then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find."
Credit Cards
Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you
die. ( now, that's a hard one to figure out.) Dates are out as this
would have happened a while ago. I checked Snopes.com and found that
while this is probably a real incident, the actual conversation may not
be 100% accurate:
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
& March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance
had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service."
Friday, November 13, 2020
A NICE WHOLESOME OLD FASHIONED STORY
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "I'm Not THAT Kind of Duck!"
Golf lessons
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee
while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The
ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit
the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then
hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet. She
looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess
all those fu#king lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf.
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