Why some women stay single or prefer women!!!

 

The Case of JIM AND EDNA

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.


When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

 
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

The High Price Of Gas!

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Message of Encouragement

Please send this encouraging post to a retarded friend...just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, take the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're f*cking special.

 

Stop The Count!

LOL

 

The Old Man

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

MAD TV The Wizard of OZ - Alternate Ending

My sweet lord

 

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you lord
But it takes so long, my lord

My sweet lord
Hm, my lord
Hm, my lord

I really want to know you
Really want to go with you
Really want to show you lord
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)

I really want to see you
Really want to see you
Really want to see you, lord
Really want to see you, lord
But it takes so long, my lord (hallelujah)

My sweet lord (hallelujah)
Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my lord (hallelujah)

I really want to know you (hallelujah)
Really want to go with you (hallelujah)
Really want to show you lord (aaah)
That it won't take long, my lord (hallelujah)

Hmm (hallelujah)
My sweet lord (hallelujah)
My, my, lord (hallelujah)

Hm, my lord (hare krishna)
My, my, my lord (hare krishna)
Oh hm, my sweet lord (krishna, krishna)
Oh-uuh-uh (hare hare)

Now, I really want to see you (hare rama)
Really want to be with you (hare rama)
Really want to see you lord (aaah)
But it takes so long, my lord (hallelujah)

Hm, my lord (hallelujah)
My, my, my lord (hare krishna)
My sweet lord (hare krishna)
My sweet lord (krishna krishna)
My lord (hare hare)
Hm, hm (Gurur Brahma)
Hm, hm (Gurur Vishnu)
Hm, hm (Gurur Devo)
Hm, hm (Maheshwara)
My sweet lord (Gurur Sakshaat)
My sweet lord (Parabrahma)
My, my, my lord (Tasmayi Shree)
My, my, my, my lord (Guruve Namah)
My sweet lord (Hare Rama)

hehe

There once was a man who went on a job interview. His resume was very impressive, and the interviewer was ready to hire the man. There was one problem.

“There is a period of five years missing from your resume. What were you doing then?" the interviewer asked.

The man replied, “Oh... I was in Yale"

The interviewer was quite impressed. “That’s excellent! You're hired!"

The man exclaimed, “Yippee... I got the yob!"

In The Beginning

God created the donkey and said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey.

“The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog.

“The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey.

“The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.

Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.

Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

Surprising Facts About Old Hollywood

Click above to go to Cracked.com

 

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

 

ON YES, DO RESTATE THAT
"After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week—we will have an all-volunteer army. Let me restate that."

--President George W. Bush

"REACH OUT AND HOLD YOUR MOTHER’S HEART"

--slogan for the Seoul Children’s Symphony, South Korea

ON MAKING THINGS PERFECTLY CLEAR
"The Yankees played the Mets today, and that game was won by the New Yorkers."

--Orioles broadcaster Fred Manfra, while giving scores from the out-of-town scoreboard

ON REGRETS, REGRETS
"Some of our greatest historical figures have been adulterers. Regrettably, the days have vanished when an ability to do the job in hand came first."

--from the London Times

Don't go swimming in the Congo ( Tiger fish )

 

*Thanks, Ken

Why my lips stayed chapped on Mother’s Day

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.  Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.  He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old.  The middle one is Eli.  Eli really loves Chapstick.  LOVES it.  He kept asking to use my Chapstick and then losing it.  So, finally, one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around and trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on.  My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.  I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.  Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli.  I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom.  And there was Eli.  He was applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack’s... rear end.  Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.”  Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little butts do look pretty chapped.  And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your Chapstick on the cat’s butt.

The Munchies

What do THEY eat when THEY get the munchies????

 

Mask Wearing

 

Suicide Prevention

Joke of the Day

 

Click Above.

Relationships

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Dance! Kitty! I SAID DANCE!

 

Good Ol' Saskie'

An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy from Maple Creek were standing side-by-side using the urinals.
 
The accountant finished, zipped up and started literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about ten paper towels. He turned to the other two men and commented,
 
"I graduated from the University of BC where we were taught to be clean."
 
The lawyer finished, zipped up and washed his hands well and took five paper towels, then commented,
 
"I graduated from the University of Toronto where we were taught to be environmentally conscious."
 
 
The cowboy zipped up, swished his fingers with some water, took one paper towel and as he was walking out the door said,
 
"I graduated from the University of Saskatchewan where we were taught not to piss on our hands."

Too Much Love Will Kill You

 

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time
Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end. 

--Queen

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other bathroom stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

16 police comments

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, 'fair' is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy & corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center)."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that (Police) Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So, you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

 

#1 "You didn't think we give tickets to pretty women? You're right, we don't. Sign here..."

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

 

ON SCIENTIFIC DIALOGUE, SYNTHETIC
"At the risk of being simplistic, what you’re looking at is a quasi-neutral matrix of synthetic RNA molecules."

--Dr. Alex Harris (Fritz Weaver), in Demon Seed (1977)

ON WEATHER REPORTING, REDUNDANT
"We have very hazardous conditions due to a five-year drought, and lack of rain hasn’t helped any, either."

--KABC-7 reporter, Los Angeles

ON BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS, LIBERAL
"A son was born to Mr. and Mrs. Charles Mulkahey, Garrison St., during the past week. Congratulations, Pete!"

--notice in a church bulletin

This was taken November 2nd. In Saskatchewan. In Canada.

This is November here on The Prairies. 13*C!

Usually I'd have my big boots and parka on. Temperature last night was a balmy 6*C.  I was sitting on a step and playing games on my smartphone. I couldn't believe the weather the last few weeks. They say we are expected to have a colder more snowier winter this year. Sure. That and COVID too! Usually the temperature is more like -25 to 30*C. I will take it! Hail to the mighty flip-flop, saving all that heavy stuff for our normal snowy, blowy winter. Could come any day!

Grandparents

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a#shole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".

Sailor Dan - Saskatoon's Sailor Man!

There is this man who lives in Saskatoon - If you have been downtown, in the Broadway area, or Holliston, where I live, you probably have seen him.

Dan, (RIP) doesn't own a car, or even take the bus. You can always see him walking, taking large strides, his long grey hair flowing in the breeze. Dan usually has hand drawn pictures of large sailing ships (complete with all the rigging" meticulously drawn using marker on large sheets of plain white paper.

I had seen this man many times before I met him and I laughed when I saw him and said: "There goes that crazy guy, trying to sell his pictures again!"...

After speaking with him, he changed my mind. You see, Dan, speaks with a sailor's accent and has a grizzled face, and full beard and mustache... he could really pass for a sailor! He is a very nice man and is a joy to have a conversation with.

He is very interesting, speaking about how ole Mother Nature could really pack a wallop on the old seas...

I don't know if he is a real sailor or if it's just in his mind. But you know what? It really doesn't matter. He has already enriched my life, just by speaking with him.

So. If you see someone who doesn't appear 'quite right', don't just dismiss them as crazy. They may have a story or two, that can give you a positive look on life. Sometimes it's they who have the most unclouded look at life, unencumbered by daily worries.

*Photo Credit: James Kalyn - jameskalyn.livejournal.com

Good Morning!

 

Parent of the Year Awards

Can't vouch for the reality of these.. hope they are not true!

Moral to this story:

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Bet This Never Happend To Marshall Dillon

 

Click above for funny clip. (wmv - ~500KB)

Joke of the Day

 

Click Above.

World Records gone horribly wrong

Remember, Daylight Savings Time Ends Today!!

Daylight Savings Ends Today For You.. Not here in Saskatoon, tho... We never change!

Hope you enjoy your one more hour of sleep, lucky stiffs!!! Put yer clock back an hour, eh?

Daylight savings time has been starting on the first Sunday in April, ending on the last Sunday in October, but that's changed due to a little man...

Date change in 2007

On August 8, 2005, President George W. Bush signed the Energy Policy Act of 2005. This Act changed the time change dates for Daylight Saving Time in the U.S. Beginning in 2007, DST will begin on the second Sunday of March and end the first Sunday of November. The Secretary of Energy will report the impact of this change to Congress. Congress retains the right to revert the Daylight Saving Time back to the 2005 time schedule once the Department of Energy study is complete.

Some of you are still paying that price

The Right Way To Wear A Mask

 

How to make Halloweenies