Health Benefits From Chocolate?

by Libby Quaid (AP)

It's not exactly a guilt-free pleasure, but food researchers say cocoa beans could be good for you. Dolly Sullivan is a believer. She eats two or three squares of Dove dark chocolate daily and talked her mother into switching from coffee to cocoa.

"I'm a chocoholic. I can't walk by a chocolate store," said Sullivan, 60, who lives in Warwick, R.I. "I've always enjoyed chocolate, but now I have a reason to eat it."

The health potential is real. Cocoa beans have natural compounds called flavanols, and a growing pile of scientific research suggests they do good things to blood vessels.

Customers at Neuhaus, a Belgian chocolate shop in Washington's Union Station, like thinking the dark stuff might be healthy, said manager Clementine Loeman.

"That way, they don't feel guilty," Loeman said, adding that chocolate was sometimes considered medicinal when the company began as a pharmacy 148 years ago.

Despite the enthusiasm, flavanols are missing from much of the chocolate on store shelves today. Flavanols make chocolate and cocoa taste bitter, and confectioners have spent years trying to perfect ways to remove the pungent flavor.

"Most chocolate, in fact, isn't flavanol-rich," said Norm Hollenberg, a radiology professor and flavanol expert at Harvard Medical School. "But all chocolate is rich in fat and calories. Chocolate is a delight. It can and should be part of a prudent diet. That means you limit what you take."

Flavanols are found in other foods, such as red wine, grapes, apples and green tea, although cocoa beans are a particularly rich source.

Mars Inc. developed the technology to visualize flavanols on a computer screen. Says Harold Schmitz, the company's chief science officer: "Now we understand cocoa well enough to start to do new things with it."

The company is starting with CocoaVia granola bars, made with a special cocoa powder that retains most of the flavanols. The bars also have plant sterols, which have been shown to help lower cholesterol.

For now, the 80-calorie, 23-gram snack bars are sold only on the Internet. The bars have a satisfyingly rich chocolate flavor, along with a slight but distinct bitter taste.

Mars says its Dove dark chocolates - a 1.3 ounce bar is 200 calories - also contain flavanols.

Researchers are excited by the potential of flavanols to ward off vascular disease, which can cause heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, dementia and hypertension. Vascular diseases are linked to the artery's inability to make a simple but fundamental chemical called nitric oxide. Flavanols appear to reverse that problem.

"The pharmaceutical industry has spent tens, probably hundreds of millions of dollars in search of a chemical that would reverse that abnormality," Hollenberg said. "And God gave us flavanol-rich cocoa, which does that. So the excitement is real."

*by Libby Quaid ©Associated Press 2005

You Don't Take A Shower....

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Top 10 Performances by Robin Williams

DRINKER'S ASSTROLOGY

ARIES

Drinking style

Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tripples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

Trademark cocktails

Aries, born under the hot-stuff planet Mars, is the ruler of spicy food and red things -- and for balance, astrologers recommend they eat tomatoes, onions, olives and greens. That's right, Aries, you were born under the sign of the bloody Mary. Aries also rules grapefruit, and they've been known to kick back a salty dog and a sea breeze or two. For extreme hotcha, try a concoction with cinnamon liqueur in it.

Drinking buddies

Marlon Brando, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Al Gore, Thomas Jefferson, Elton John, Eric McCormack, Rosie O'Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon


TAURUS

Drinking style

Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

Trademark cocktails

Early-to-bed Taureans need a picker-upper -- try a Red Bull and vodka. They also have a leviathan sweet tooth and are fond of drinks with names that sound like dessert (50-50 bar, mudslide). Sweetly caffeinated drinks, like Irish coffee or white Russians, are ideal. More macho Taureans will go for something unpretentious, like a Jack and Coke or whiskey sour.

Drinking buddies

Cate Blanchett, Tony Blair, Pierce Brosnan, Cher, Penelope Cruz, William Randolph Hearst, Jerry Seinfeld, Barbara Striesand, Uma Thurman, Renee Zellweger


GEMINI

Drinking style

Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

Trademark cocktails

Easily bored Geminis need some stimulation in their drinks -- those with two parts, like a black and tan (or just a double), are particularly appealing. Otherwise, they'll drink all over the map, ordering frou-frou drinks to add to their collection of cocktail monkeys or going for whiskey rocks because they're feeling rather noir. Gemini rules the herb anise -- make some home-infused anise vodka as a gift.

Drinking buddies

George Bush Sr., Johnny Depp, Rupert Everett, Boy George, Allen Ginsberg, Angelina Jolie, John Kennedy, Ian McKellen, Kylie Minogue, Morrissey


CANCER

Drinking style

Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do.

Trademark cocktails

Ruled by the moon, Cancers are intrigued by the idea of moonshine -- any brown booze, from a bourbon press to a whiskey and soda to grandpappy's special brew in a mason jar, will do. They also like comfortingly warm and sweet drinks, like hot toddies and hot buttered rums. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

Drinking buddies

Pamela Anderson, George W. Bush, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Sean Hayes, Lil' Kim, George Michael, Princess Diana, Prince William


LEO

Drinking style

Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

Trademark cocktails

Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.

Drinking buddies

Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha Stewart, Andy Warhol


VIRGO

Drinking style

Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

Trademark cocktails

Many Virgos prefer clear, simple, untreacly drinks like vodka tonic or a real margarita, though you'll find 'em drinking anything -- from unflinchingly downing Cuervo straight to smirkingly ordering a dirty virgin. They also tend to like bitter, low-alk guzzles like Campari and soda. They rarely change their drink once they've found it, however.

Drinking buddies

Cameron Diaz, Hugh Grant, Christopher Isherwood, Michael Jackson, Freddie Mercury, Carrie-Anne Moss, Dorothy Parker, Ryan Philippe, Keanu Reeves, Lily Tomlin


LIBRA

Drinking style

"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Trademark cocktails

Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, their ruling planet, which also gives them a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. They're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants Champagne, and lots of it.

Drinking buddies

Jimmy Carter, Simon Cowell, Ani DiFranco, Janeane Garofalo, Hugh Jackman, Martina Navratilova, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sting, Oscar Wilde, Catherine Zeta-Jones


SCORPIO

Drinking style

Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

Trademark cocktails

Just as a Scorpio can look you in the eye and smile while secretly plotting your demise, so does the brandy-laced stinger's sweet taste hide a potent amount of alcohol. If you want to get literal, serve them a scorpion -- they may not love tropical drinks, but it shows you're paying attention. Scorpio rules watermelon, so break out the blender and fix a pitcher of watermelon margaritas to seduce 'em -- though red wine will do the trick just as well.

Drinking buddies

Truman Capote, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jodie Foster, Bill Gates, k.d. lang, Megan Mullally, Demi Moore, Sylvia Plath, RuPaul


SAGITTARIUS

Drinking Style

In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

Trademark cocktails

A travel-loving sign, Sagittarius might be intrigued by drinks like Moscow mules, Singapore slings -- perhaps even a Long Island iced tea (not a bad option, given how much Sag can put away and still stay vertical). Party monsters that they are, they're attracted to shots, like the ever-popular lemon drop. Sag rules pears, and could use a nice pear cider right about now, come to think of it.

Drinking buddies

The Bush twins, Margaret Cho, Noel Coward, Betty Ford, Lucy Liu, Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Frank Sinatra, Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears


CAPRICORN

Drinking style

Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

Trademark cocktails

Old-fashioned Cap would probably like an old-fashioned just fine -- or a dry martini, or a gin and tonic, or a gimlet -- or any other no-nonsense quaff. They prefer drinks that taste like alcohol and generally hate drinks with more than three ingredients. However, they like the flavor of cranberry and will order a cosmo if they can handle the wait for it to get mixed.

Drinking buddies

Orlando Bloom, David Bowie, James Dean, Marlene Dietrich, Martin Luther King Jr., Jude Law, Annie Lennox, Marilyn Manson, Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley


AQUARIUS

Drinking style

Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

Trademark cocktails

Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. They like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue and would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. They also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.

Drinking buddies

Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Matt Groening, Ashton Kutcher, Ronald Reagan, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, Oprah Winfrey, Elijah Wood


PISCES

Drinking style

If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, the money is well worth the time. Pisces are fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation --- or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days -- maybe weeks if you're lucky! The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

Trademark Cocktails

Pisces rules fresh mint, and they do love a mojito or three -- though a julep will do just as well. They also like punches, like sangria or the oh-so-aptly named fish house punch. (Pretty much anything will satisfy a Pisces in a pinch, though -- "drinking like a fish" is an idiom pulled out of the zodiac, not the deep blue sea.) Pisces is a chocoholic and loves creme de cacao (and spiked cocoa).

Drinking buddies

Drew Barrymore, Chastity Bono, Chelsea Clinton, Kurt Cobain, Edward Gorey, Queen Latifah, Liza Minelli, Anais Nin, Sharon Stone, Liz Taylor.

8 Ordinary Things That Look Insanely Cool Under a Microscope

A really powerful microscope is the sort of thing nobody would buy for entertainment, yet we can't shake the feeling that if we had one, we'd use it all the time. That's because, as we've proven several times over, the most mundane crap in your house is transformed into surreal, freaky, trippy, and sometimes terrifying works of art when viewed at a microscopic level. It's like seeing into an alternate universe.

Don't know what we mean? Well, check out the mind-blowing close-up views of ...

Chalk Normal view

For decades, chalk was used in classrooms to spread knowledge to large groups of students, and in recess to spread the myth that hopscotch was fun. It turns into powder when you use it, so up close it probably just looks like, what, sand or something? It can't be too exciting ...

Chalk close up

Huh. Apparently, chalk is a bunch of tiny little soccer balls ... if soccer balls were made out of dead bodies, that is.

Yes, those yarmulke-looking things are actually the shells of dead microscopic organisms like foraminifera mixed with the corpses of sea algae. So the next time you see a chalk outline of a murder victim, just know that it was created with the help of about a billion teeny-weeny corpses. It's pretty much the ultimate counter to that circle-of-life crap that Disney likes to shove down our throats.


--more at Cracked.com--

The Difference between the sexes

Friendship among women

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.



Friendship among men

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.



...and that my friends is the difference!

'Stop stealing our F**king signs'

The mayor of an Austrian town called 'F**king' has appealed to British tourists to stop stealing the road signs.

Siegfried Hauppl said the small town always attracted a lot of attention from tourists driving up from nearby Salzburg to pose for pictures in front of the signs.

But he said that, while the money they spent in the area was welcome, locals were fed up with having to replace the signs because people had been stealing them as souvenirs.

He said: "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is.

"After all, F**king has existed for 800 years, probably when a Mr F**k or the F**k family moved into the area. The 'ing' was added as a word for settlement."

Apparently the villagers didn't find out about the English meaning of the word until British and American soldiers stationed in the area in 1945 started arriving in large numbers.

Hauppl said: "We all know what it means now, but for us F**king is F**king - we don't give it a second thought."

Franz Duernsteiner, an expert on bizarre Austrian village names, said the residents of F**king were actually very "conservative" people.

He said: "Most of them can speak English, and when someone asks them where they come from they are a little ashamed to say it."

Residents of two other Austrian communities, Windpassing and W**k on the Lake, suffered a similar reluctance, he added.

A smaller home to live a bigger life

By Brady Bateman, PANow

The interior of a full sized bus which is currently being renovated at Prince Albert's Paved to Pines. Brady Bateman/paNOW Staff

Less can be more, or at least that’s the idea which in recent years has seen the rapid expansion of the tiny home movement.

Defined as a home between 100 to 400 square feet, tiny homes can come in all manner of shapes and sizes, ranging from prebuilt fabrications, to renovations of school buses, cargo vans and even ambulances.

Members of one Prince Albert based company hope to see the tiny home movement grow larger, and influence people to live their lives a different kind of way.

Paved to Pines, founded and operated Mitchell Rosko and Steven Glass, started as an idea between two college roommates which quickly turned into not only a full-time business, but a lifestyle.

“It all started back with my first school bus,” Glass said. “I had a motorcycle back in the day that I couldn’t sell, but I ended up getting an offer for a school bus that someone wanted to trade for the bike. It got me thinking and looking into the possibilities of living in a school bus, and that started the one year conversion of working on the bus every weekend.”

Having been inspired by their own experience of building a liveable bus, Glass and Rosko set out with the idea of creating these moveable homes for others to enjoy.

Paved to Pines will soon celebrate its one year anniversary, and in that time the business that was once only an idea, has expanded greatly with those interested in the tiny home movement providing a variety of vehicles to customize.

“We address anything from school buses to ambulances, all the way to cargo vans and sprinters, it’s really all up to what the client wants,” Glass said. “Price ranges for homes like these vary a lot. Someone who’s looking at something like a school bus might start around $60,000 all the way up to $120,000, depending on how off-grid you want to get and all the features you want, it’s just dependant on the client.”

Those who choose to live the tiny home lifestyle vary greatly, according to Rosko. Clients have ranged from younger couples visiting Canada for a short period of time, to older individuals looking to see the country in a different way.

“Business has just been awesome so far,” Rosko said. “I think minimalism is just becoming really big. People are trying to create a positive eco-footprint and live a greener lifestyle. You can move these and live wherever you want, you really live a picture perfect lifestyle when you live in one of these things.”

Rosko and Glass added they see the tiny home movement as a large community, with those who become involved making connections with others involved in the movement.

Paved to Pines will soon expand farther into the rental market, allowing those who are interested in the tiny home movement to test the waters, without the commitment of purchasing.

Tiny Homes have gained international attention in recent years, with people around the world interested in making the lifestyle switch.

more at panow.com

30 Problems Only Canadian People Will Understand. #11 Is So Accurate It Hurts

1. People asking you to say ‘aboot ‘ for them.

2. Having roads in our potholes.

3. Accidentally setting your keyboard to French and not realizing for the longest time.

4. When I Travel Abroad, Locals Think I’m American.

5. When I Type '?,' It Comes Out As 'É'

6. Constantly getting duds when it’s roll up the rim season.

7. Uses Canadian Spelling... Gets Corrected By U.S. Spell-Checker.

8. Asks For A Double-Double... U.S. Cashier Doesn't Understand.

9. Paid $1.98 Charge With A Toonie... Got No Change.

10. Shipping with the US: free. Shipping internationally: 3 BILLION DOLLARS.

11. Panicking at the scent of burnt toast.

12. Just Got Netflix... U.S. Selection Is WAY Better.

13. If you pronounce the second 't' in Toronto, you obviously don't live in Toronto.

14. Tim Horton's withdrawel while abroad.

15. Wearing heavy-duty winter boots to school and looking like a hoser all day.

16. 3 second milk ads that leave you wondering what just happened.

17. Being asked if you ski to work.

18. Your international friends and family visit the other side of Canada but still expect to see you.

19. Wildly overestimating the price with tax, just to be safe.

20. Travelling to England means that half of your luggage is filled with plug adapters.

21. Ooh, 15 cents. That's really helpful Canadian Tire.

22. "I have a friend named ______ in Vancouver, do you know them?"

23. Salt stains on everything in the winter.

24. Fahrenheit is a confusing and impenetrable mystery.

25. Need to fake an American zip code because there isn’t a postal code box.

26. "And remember class, it must be by a Canadian."

27. The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face.

28. Having to take your mitts off in the winter to text someone back.

29. "What's your background?" I'm Canadian. "no, before that."

30. The calories in poutine. Seriously, the stuff tastes like heaven.

Do You Know These?

remeber this?

Bet you don't know this thing!

why are these 2 objects together?

Ride one of these?

What would you do with these?

Classic. What are they?

Ever shop here?

What on earth are these?

Remember what this is and where it was seen?

Do you remember their last name?

Have one? Seen one? What is it?

What's hanging from the chain? Or going up the pole?

What speed is this going?

Remember these?

What is this and where did it go?

DID YOU KNOW...

Those who were born in the 50’s 60’s ,70’s and early 80’s are the last generation who played in the street. During our childhood we “walked” over a mile a day when we played & played “hide & seek” outside at night with no worries or fear of anything bad happening to us.

We are the first generation who played video games and the last to record songs off the radio onto a cassette tape.

We learned how to program a VCR before anyone else, we were the first to play from Atari to Nintendo…

We are the generation of Tom & Jerry, Looney Toons, & Captain Kangaroo.

We traveled in cars without seat belts or air bags, lived without cell phones and caller ID.

We did not have fax machines, flat screens, surround sound, I pods, Facebook, Twitter, computers or the internet, and through it all we had a great time.

de Plane! de Plane!

Fast Track ......

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding....


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding..

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer..

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


Moral of the story, Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!!!!

The Flight Attendant

An British airplane's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - Tray-up, bitch."

Airport Security

A small movie that will open Windows Media Player. Click on the picture below to watch. Safe(ish) for work.



Click above to watch the video

Five rules

MORAL OF THE HEDGEHOG

I never knew Hedgehogs were so cute as babies.

Good story with a great message.

Have you Ever seen a baby Hedgehog?

Fable of the Hedgehog

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The Hedgehogs, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Fix the downspout!

Today my wife said. "Honey, fix that gutter downspout!"


Well, as you all know, I'm retired, so I invited some of my buddies over.


One brought his welder.


Took us about 4 hours, and 30 beers, but we got the downspout fixed and my welder buddy gave it an artistic flair.


Wife is speechless...

I can’t wait for it to rain again.

Confession

This is why men don't vacuum.

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ..in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Masculine Moments

Bad day

Hmmm....OK....

Why do burgers on McDonald's, Burger King's, etc. posters look ridiculously different from the ones they are serving you?

McDonalds directly answers this question by ordering a burger on their way to a photo shoot, showing the preparation process of the shoot, and then compares the two burgers (bought and crafted on-site) side-by-side:

What Makes People Gay?

The debate has always been that it was either all in the child's upbringing or all in the genes. But what if it's something else?

Click above

i'm lovin' it!

i'm lovin' it!

What was that for?

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper and his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a shoe.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching TV again when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.


When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?" The wife answered, "Your horse called."

The Pagan Origins of New Years

Beware The ATM....

Click above - This will open a window and you will have to allow the powerpoint to open (Or you can save it...) Then navigate either using your scroll wheel on your mouse or you can use your scrollbars if you do not have a wheel mouse...

In Honor of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(..and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send the 'Permanant Link' to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...

****Blessed are the cracked: For it is they who let in the light*****

No Google, that's not what I'm searching for...

More at TheCHIVE

Mary Be Got

I will place a disclaimer at the start of this story; it is a paganised Yule story of the classic Christmas story.

It has offended some people who are of a more Christian path, and even upset some folks who are Pagan as well. Others have made this story as much a part of their own personal Yuletide tradition as a tree, or feasts with loved ones.

With that warning in mind, I hope you enjoy it.

MARY-BE-GOT

By Ave Riddler

The fire light flickered across the smiling faces of the ladies in inner ring of the dance circle. Each of the ladies had their hair loose and flowing, with a crown of flowers and white ribbons. The ladies giggled breathlessly, as one after another they were spun out of the inner circle they were dancing hand in hand, towards the outer circle where the men danced. One of the men would dance with her for a short while, before sending her spinning and giggling back into the inner circle. Mary still linked with the inner circle, saw who she was to dance with next, and suddenly her heart was pounding with more than the fever of the dance. She sighed softly as the hands linked to her own vanished, and she was spun towards a green painted man, with antlers bound to his head that seemed to touch the moon above. As his warm calloused hands pressed to her narrow waist, his breath brushed her flushed cheek, “Happy May-eve sweet Mary,” He spun her dizzily around until once again she was pressed to his broad chest, “I morn your engagement to Joseph. Let us for only this instant pretend that you are the Goddess and I am the God…” Then he brushed his lips softly to her cheek, and released her.

Gaze lingering on the man as she rejoined the inner circle of dancing ladies, she gasped and giggled as she blushed. Moments after her hands linked with those in the inner circle the drums hushed and a voice cried over the singing “LET US FEAST!!!” Cheers rose through both circles of dancers, as well as those watching and clapping. Linked hands released, and the dancers as well as spectators drifted towards the platform where the food was displayed. A strange voice murmured into Mary’s ear “your life is about to change the lives of billions.” Startled she spun around to confront the stranger, only to find no one there. Feeling uneasy, she started forward again, only to collide into a warm green painted chest.

The deep voice that came from above her head as she shyly gazed up sent shivers down her back, “Mary sweetness. Mind where you walk or you will have the villagers talking of us…” Blushing she met his gaze boldly, and breathlessly asked “And what could they possibly say about the great horned God and I?”

He started to chuckle “That Mary may not be so pure a virgin.” Then his eyes widening he whispered near her ear “But you called me the God, not as Christopher?” Heat and longing filled his eyes as he looked into her gaze “On this a May-day eve?”

With a shy glance down along his green painted chest she sighed “And how can a lady on this day, deny her lord?” Then as he watched with shock, she removed a blossom from her hair and placed it among his horns. Then turning from the feast, they linked hands, passing through the oblivious crowd.

Later in a moon lit clearing surrounded by trees, he his antlers tossed aside asked sadly “what of Joseph?”

Mary smiled gently “he must never know of this night. I will go to him still a virgin. He will never learn of Christopher the village shepherd…or that his bride’s faith is towards a faith different from his own. I must go to him the pure bride my father gave him.” Christopher touched her hand eyes beseeching her to stay. With a sorrowful shake of her head, she stood, and turned towards the village. He called out to her, concerned she would get lost, but she promised to remain on the path.

A month later sick with nerves, Mary gazed down at her wedding garb, knowing that from this day forth she would be Joseph’s wife, gone were the May-days, and Solstices. Joseph would be a fine husband; he was so kind, and so attentive, he had even noticed that she had gained some weight, praising her for it, saying it would be good for when she was with child. As she walked slowly towards her father, and Joseph she let her eyes drift around at the gathered villagers, seeing young and old, friends and family, sheep…Startled she glanced back in the direction of the animals, and found her gaze locked upon the face of their shepherd. He, his face no longer painted green, stared at her with tears in his eyes and a dried flower in his hand. As she gazed at him his lips moved silently around the words “no Mary”

A strange voice murmured into her ear, “you, young Mary are with child!” Frightened Mary glanced behind her, and saw no one near enough to have voiced this announcement. With a final slow step, she found herself standing at Joseph’s side. All through the complex marriage ceremony, Mary thought not of her place in her husband’s life, nor of her place in her new God’s house, but of that one night of sacred love. As the ceremony drew to its end, Mary did notice Joseph glance at her waist with a faint frown.

As was custom in her village she was separated from her new groom for the week when her blood tide was to flow, and she worried when it did not come. Alone in the hut where the women of the village spent their cycle she paced as she wondered how she could possibly explain her situation. Then she recalled the strange voice and exclaimed “An angel!” Almost joyful she sank onto a chair “an angel from the heavens! Came to tell me I am carrying a God’s child! How else could a virgin newly married be with child? It will be a miracle! A blessing!”

Once alone with Joseph on the night she was presented to her husband, cleansed and blessed, she fell to her knees and begged Joseph not to bed her. “I have been chosen! I am a living miracle! I had a vision, an angel came to me…” she raised her hands towards the heavens, “I a virgin, am with child….Free of sin…Carrying a God’s seed! A blessing!” Joseph raged, asking over and over what other lies her father had told him? Who had known his virgin bride? How could she betray him in this way? Then he stormed out of the bed chambers.

Mary was sleeping when Joseph finally returned, he angrily agreed “Fine! An angel came to ME, told ME of this baby, before we came together for the first time.” Softer spoken, but still with a hint of anger in his voice he said “I have spoken with your father, he finally told me I married a pagan. You went to those heathen rites…But he vows he knows nothing of any sexual acts, claims you always came home untouched. So a virgin you are. MY God’s child you shall be carrying.”

Months passed and the newlyweds were the talk of the villagers, “a virgin mother?” Some called it a blessing, others call it a curse. As the conflict grew, Mary and Joseph were shunned. Asked to leave the village, they were permitted only to pack up a few meager belongings, the belief of the people being that if this baby really was God’s child, He would provide for the family. Her father gifting the couple a mule sent them on their way. Mary saw a lone figure in the shadows of the building watching as they leave. Faintly in the shadows she could see a pure white lamb by the figures feet. “Go away Christopher” she whispered silently “Stop watching over me.” Then as Joseph started on his way, she turned to follow him with her shoulders hunched, tears in her eyes and walked away.

Night after night, Mary had nightmares where leering faces with strange voices howled at her “Your life will change billions” As Joseph and Mary travel she continued to fill out, and travel became more and more difficult. Each village they came to they found the same lack of welcome, it seemed every person knew of the virgin mother, saying that God will provide, and turning the couple away.

The seasons changed, and Mary secretly found a small log of wood, which late at night as Joseph slept she whispered her hopes and dreams for the future to the log. The weather grew colder, the nights longer yet Mary stayed awake more and more fearing the nightmares she had of her child turning completely from the earth, renouncing his mother, placing men above all things.

The longest and darkest night found Mary placing her log in the fire where she watched as it burned. With the warmth of the fire on her face, she pulled out a scarlet ribbon from her bag and twisted it into her hair. Singing softly, swaying side to side, she placed her hands against her large waist, her quietude broken when suddenly pain lanced through her body. Panic in her voice she called out desperately “JOSEPH!!! The baby!” As rapidly as possible they packed up their camp, heading at a renewed speed for the nearby lights of a small village. Both of them knowing a forest is not a good place to try birth a baby, with hopes of finding a warm safe place in the village.

Once inside the village, they wandered from house to house, only to be turned away by people that had fear in their eyes. The next building they came to they saw a man bickering with someone who was obviously a stranger, Joseph sighed “he too must be trying to find a place to stay. We’ll have to move on.”

As they started to turn away a voice called out to them from the building “You there!” Startled Joseph turned and watched warily as an old man limped towards them. Wheezing the old man said “That shepherd over there” gesturing behind him to shadows that were now empty “well the shepherd that was over there gave me all his sheep in return for a warm place for the two of you to rest for a while.” The old man gazed closer at Mary seeing now the sweat on her brow and her rounded belly he gasped and choked out “you’re the virgin mother aren’t you? It seems I will be the one fool to interfere with the divine will then.” He then turned and led them to his small barn.

Alone with Mary in the barn Joseph helped as Mary labored with the birth of her child. Overwhelmed by agony, Mary cried out, her mind fearing death, her ears not hearing anything outside of her pain, she sobbed out her confession. Mary was oblivious even to Joseph as he listened, his face filling with understanding as he gazed at the sheep surrounding them.

Late in the night, Mary with babe in her arms rested in a bed of hay, wondering where Joseph was. She was thinking also of Christopher, wondering if the sheep around her could possibly be his. When Joseph returned all fury was gone from his eyes, he gazed silently at Mary and the baby for a while. Then he handed her a set of antlers, watching as shock entered her eyes. He smiled slightly and said “So you do recognize them. I just had a talk with a shepherd who gave up all his wealth, so that a God’s child could be born. I think we shall name the baby Christ.”