Twelve Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.




I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?




A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!




When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."




Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.




Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!




Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?



Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.




Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

World's Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased..... She did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, She watched chick flicks, never had football on, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

THE END

"Address the ball? I can't even see the ball!"

The Law of Physics States it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."


And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.


Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.

If he can cash it, he can spend it."

From The Emerald City

The Wizard has decided to change the format of the archives. It appears that I do love to talk soooo much! The archives links on the right hand side of 'OZ' were starting to get way too long. So I have archived the posts monthly now rather than weekly. 

Big Hint: Use the Google Search near the top right to quickly get where you want in the archives or anywhere in 'OZ'

Yours,

--The Wizard

There are sooooo many ways to say it...

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the fu*k out of your best friend
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fu*k stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter
nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Zygote spraying

http://bishuk.com/2012/05/02/masturbation-parents-guide/

Job Opportunity: How About an Exciting Career....?

Let's have no more naysaying about the lack of job opportunities!!!


Job Opportunity: How About an Exciting Career as a Professional Fart Smeller?

http://gizmodo.com/5966617/job-opportunity-how-about-an-exciting-career-as-a-professional-fart-smeller 

*Thanks, Gary

Finally!!!!

Click on the picture. Larger in a new window, suitable for printing and distribution

What's new, pussycat?

NUDE SANTA - ADULTS ONLY!!

NUDE SANTA / ADULTS ONLY!

ADULTS ONLY!

THIS MEANS YOU!

NUDE SANTA

Scroll down to see the nude Santa!

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For crying out loud! Act your age! There is no Santa!

Sometimes I just can’t believe you…

Senior's Snowplough Now Available At Canadian Tire!

It certainly conforms to the Government’s Green Energy initiatives

Senior's Snowplow Now Available At....

HAPPY WINTER EVERYONE!

Liquid Ass!

Atomic, Friendship Ending, Gut Wrenching, Ass Juice

"Liquid ASS is an overwhelming, stinky, funny prank product. Once unleashed, this power–packed, super–concentrated liquid begins to evaporate filling the air with a genuine, foul butt–crack smell with hints of dead animal and fresh poo. The funny pranks you can pull with Liquid ASS are unlimited. Watching the facial grimaces of people and hearing their comments about the part–your–hair, gagging stench will have you laughing until it hurts

Some of the same rules apply to Liquid Ass as apply to Zombies:

Rule #1: Cardio - When your friends discover it was you who assed their sneakers - you better be able to run fast and over great distances.

Rule #2: Beware of Bathrooms - Keep in mind, if you accidentally spill this on yourself you'll feel like you're living in a bathroom. And not one of those frequently cleaned bathrooms. We're talking underground, no ventilation, I think I just saw something get dragged into that hole in the wall bathrooms - you know, like in Italy.

Rule #3: Seatbelts - Never, ever, ever ass yours or anyone else's seatbelt. Just trust us. It would be bad.

Available from Geek Amazon

What a Wordy World!

Click on the image for the full size one

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.


10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.


15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

One day, in the Australian Outback...

Last summer I took a guided tour through the Australian outback. On the 4th day during our lunch brake I saw a kangaroo. Being intrigued I tried to get a bit closer to it. It finished eating and began to hop away. I looked back at the truck and began to follow it.

I followed it a ways. I realized how far from the truck I was and began to worry a bit, but this experience was far too cool to pass up, a real kangaroo standing right there. I wouldn't miss this for the world. I decided to get a bit closer to it.

I started creeping towards it, ever so slowly. It didn't notice me. Soon I was but 10 feet from it. Still feeling a bit uncomfortable about leaving the truck way back, I just let go. I was going to live wildly. In for a penny, in for a pound I figured and got closer. 5 feet. 3 feet. 2 feet. I reached out to touch it. Feel its fur. It turned its head. It saw me. We stared into each others eyes. It was a stare down. It turned towards me with its whole body. I saw in it's pouch a joey. This was about when I realized I'd made a big fucking mistake. It reared up onto its tail and extended its legs. I heard a cracking sound and saw stars. Then everything went black.

When I woke up the kangaroo was gone. I had a throbbing headache. I tried sitting up. My sides seared up in pain. I now know that my rib cage had been fractured in 3 places.

I yelled out, causing my ribs to flare up in pain again. No response. I yelled out two more times, but not once did I hear a reply. My sides hurt too much to yell again. I decided the best action to take at this point was to crawl back to the truck, following my footprints. After a while I came to some thick bushes where I lost my footprints. I decided to crawl in the direction I'd remembered the truck being. I never found it. After a few hours, deciding I wasn't going to find the truck, I began looking for a road or town. After a few hours I still hadn't found anything. I was thirsty. Really thirsty. I was sweating to the point that the ground where my hands and knees were was dark brown with sweat.

I never found anything that day. At nightfall I was hungry, thirsty and tired. I couldn't keep going. I lay down in a ditch and fell asleep.

I woke up to the sunrise is my eyes reflecting off a bit of shiny rock. My head was hurting even worse now. My thought was incredibly dry, my tongue swollen. I was dizzy and my heart was beating fast and irregularly. The only thing to do was continue crawling. The going was hard. I was fainting periodically only to be woken up by the sensation of falling or hitting my jaw on a rock.

A few hours later, knees and chin bloody and stinging, I found a road. A sudden burst of hope, but I wasn't there yet. I crawled along the road for probably another hour, I'm not sure, after a while time stopped having meaning to me. I though I saw something in the distance, a town maybe?

I crawled towards it. It took a long long time. By the time I got to the town the sun was setting. There was a sign. In the day's last light I read off it: "Mercy; pop: 27" A small town, maybe the end of my journey. Mercy, yes, truly the world showed mercy at last. I crawled into the town. The closest building was a tea house. In my delirious state I didn't even bother questioning what a small town like mercy had a tea house for.

I crawled in and hoisted myself with great effort up onto a bar stool. I looked at the man who ran it and croaked "Water."

The man looked at me and said "I'm sorry, sir, but we only serve tea here."

"Then get me tea."

"What kind"

"I don't care, just get my some."

The man left a few minutes and came back with a kettle and a saucer. He poured a bit of tea into the cup. Beaming at me he said "Koala tea. It's our town of Mercy's specialty."

I looked at it. There was still koala fur floating in the top of it. I tried to drink it. The fur wadded up in my throat, gagging me. I retched. I looked at the man. I'm sorry sir, Mercy's tea is great, but I can't drink it with all this fur in it. Could you get me a sieve to filter it out?"

The man looked at me sternly and said. "I'm sorry; The Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

*Thanks, Gary

Look up medications more quickly and easily on Google - Inside Search

From The Google Search website:
We get a lot of queries for medicine on Google. So to make it quick and easy for you to learn about medications, we’ll start showing key facts -- side effects, related medications, links to in-depth resources, and more -- right on the search results page.

This data comes from the U.S. FDA, the National Library of Medicine, and the Department of Veterans Affairs, among others. It’s part of theKnowledge Graph-- our project to map out billions of real-world things, from famous artists to roller coasters to planets (and now medications). We hope you find this useful, but remember that these results do not act as medical advice. inside search blogspot
Posted on Google Search by Aaron Brown, Senior Product Manager, Search
* Thanks for the link, Gary

George Takei Joins Cast of Archie Comics

Oh My! It's George Takei!

Star Trek legend turn gay rights advocate, George Takei is the newest character to join Archie Comics, as none other than himself.

Takei, 75, appears in Kevin Keller No. 6, the home of Archie's openly gay character of the same name, who joined the Riverdale community in 2010. Like Takei in real life, Kevin is a gay advocate in the fictional Riverdale and his adoration for Takei brings the actor and his real world husband Brad into the comic.

-more at gaylife.about.com

RAGE - The Gay Crusader!

Click on the picture to read all about it!

if you have a stop button, you should be able to stop the music, will try turning it off. sorry!

Maybe it will work!

Wishful Thinking? And it's ONLY December!

Gay Masons

Can a homosexual be a Mason? Click here to find out. 

Kiddie Cola...

Kiddie Cola

Are YOU Cool?

Click above to take the test!

Worst Accident Picture Ever (very graphic).....

Click here.

Kids say the Darndest Things....these are CUTE

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." 
--

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." 
--

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 
--

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something! wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 
--

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead." 
--

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty!" 
--

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A few "Truisms"

Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand .

I'm in shape.
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark,
professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

Blonde MEN Jokes

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

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(This one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Before I die, i want to....

...go to Egypt and see the pyramids.

Put your answers in the comments!

You can't believe a word they say...

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives ..

They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are likeBananas ..

The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather ..

Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars...

Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores...

Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds .....

They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms.

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get

or how long it will last.

12! . Men are likeLava Lamps ..

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots.

All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this post to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know!!!

The greatest description of a friend

Friends...

Friends.......They love you, 

But they're not your lover. 

They care for you,

But they're not from your family. 

They're ready to share your pain,

But they're not your blood relation. 

They are........FRIENDS! !!!! 

A True friend..

Scolds like a DAD..

Cares like a MOM.. 

Teases like a SISTER..

Irritates like a BROTHER..

And finally loves you for YOU. 

Heaven and Hell

A heterosexual man and his gay friend were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. They remembered dying, and that the gay friend walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broke by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the gay friend walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his gay friend, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept gays."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his gay friend.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the gay friend.

"There should two cups by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a two cups beside it.

The traveller filled a cup and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the gay friend. When they were full, he and the gay friend walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

The ark

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Black and White

(Under age 50? You won't understand.)


You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."

Dependin'g on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.

Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.

Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.

But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.

I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight

To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!

PS: The Wizard realizes that all the pictures are NOT black&white...

What if...

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."
~ Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
~ Charles Pierce

Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.

'You could move.' 

~ Abigail Van Buren.

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada
~ Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
~ Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
~ Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.
~ Letter to the Editor, the Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
~ Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
~ Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
~ W.Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
~ Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."
~ Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
~ Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.....
~ Fran Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.....
~ Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Our Time to Shine

By Corey Hildebrand

Many years ago
On this prairie land we know
A settlement began
They heard the call of the land



Their dedication gives us celebration
Their dreams set in motion all we have today



Our time to shine
In our hearts and in our mind
Let the past one hundred years make us see



Our city will stand tall
Saskatoon welcomes all
Let the spirit of the land set you free

'Cause this is our time to shine

People came from all around
The city grew by leaps and bounds
Stretched along the river far as the eye could see



We saw their vision a city of bridges
Cultures joined together from the present to the past



Our time to shine
In our hearts and in our mind
Let the past one hundred years make us see



Our city will stand tall
Saskatoon welcomes all
Let the spirit of the land set you free

'Cause this is our time to shine

Corey Hildebrand - vocals, bass and guitar

Gordon Hildebrand - guitar

Geoff Hildebrand - drums

Recorded and mixed at Cosmic Pad Studios

Ain't it da truth!

How Not To Take A Photo....

...and if you do... remember the 'NET is waiting!

December

December

No more the scarlet maples flash and burn
Their beacon-fires from hilltop and from plain;
The meadow-grasses and the woodland fern
In the bleak woods lie withered once again.

The trees stand bare, and bare each stony scar
Upon the cliffs; half frozen glide the rills;
The steel-blue river like a scimitar
Lies cold and curved between the dusky hills.

Over the upland farm I take my walk,
And miss the flaunting flocks of golden-rod;
Each autumn flower a dry and leafless stalk,
Each Mossy field a track of frozen sod.

I hear no more the bobin's summer song
Through the gray network of the wintry woods;
Only the cawing crows that all day long
Clamor about the windy solitudes.

Like agate stones upon earth's frozen breast,
The little pools of ice lie round and still;
While sullen clouds shut downward east and west
In marble ridges stretched from hill to hill.

Come once again, O southern wind,-once more
Come with they wet wings flapping at my pane;
Ere snow-drifts pile their mounds about my door,
One parting dream of summer bring again.

Ah, no! I hear the windows rattle fast;
I see the first flakes of the gathering snow,
That dance and whirl before the northern blast.
No countermand the march of days can know.

December drops no weak, relenting tear,
By our fond summer sympathies ensnared;
Nor from the perfect circle of the year
Can even winter's crystal gems be spared.

--Christopher Pearse Cranch (1815-1892)

World AIDS Day

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