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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

TRIVIA


Trivia - Homer Style

Q: What sitcom spin-off ran for 253 episodes—43 more than its popular parent sitcom?


A: The Jeffersons, which ran from 1975 to 1985. Its parent show was All in the Family, which ran for 210 episodes, from 1971 to 1979.
Waving Smiley
Q: Which was the last of the 50 states to become home to a commercial winery?

A: North Dakota, in 2002.
Waving Smiley
Q: What are the names of the eight ducklings in the children’s book Make Way for Ducklings?


A: Jack, Kack, Lack, Mack, Nack, Ouack, Pack, Quack. Their last name is Mallard.
Waving Smiley
Q: In what sequence do the feet of all four-legged animals normally hit the ground when they walk?


A: Left rear leg first, followed by left foreleg, right rear leg, then right foreleg.
Waving Smiley
Q: What was U.S. statesman Henry Kissinger’s given name at birth?


A: Heinz. German-born Kissinger changed his name to Henry after his family immigrated to the U.S. in 1938, when he was 15. He served as Secretary of State under presidents Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford.
Waving Smiley
Q: What celebutante posed nude, spray-painted gold, in ads promoting “blonde, bubbly” Rich Prosecco as an alternative to champagne?


A: Hotel heiress Paris Hilton, in 2007.
Waving Smiley
Q: What animal is the source of the most widely consumed red meat in the world?

A: The goat. An estimated 63 percent of the red meat consumed worldwide is goat meat.
Waving Smiley
Q: During the filming of the 2006 hit comedy Little Miss Sunshine, what did actor Alan Arkin, as heroin-snorting Grandpa, sniff instead of the illegal drug?


A: Crushed vitamin B. Arkin’s performance won him an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.
Waving Smiley
Q: What newspaper cartoon feature was the first to include an illustration by Peanuts creator Charles Schulz?


A: Ripley’s Believe It or Not, in 1937, when Schulz was 15. The illustration—of Schulz’s dog Spike, the inspiration for Snoopy—included the caption, “a hunting dog that eats pins, tacks and razor blades, is owned by C. F. Schulz, St. Paul, Minn.”
Waving Smiley
Q: A gimmie for Canadians! At what temperature are the readings on both Fahrenheit and Celsius thermometers exactly the same?


A: −40°.

Trivia - Homer Style

Address to a Haggis



by Robert Burns (Rabbie Burns)

The Haggis has a Masonic connection - Robert Burns was a Mason

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o need,
While thro your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An cut you up wi ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an strive:
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
The auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethankit' hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi perfect sconner,
Looks down wi sneering, scornfu view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit:
Thro bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whissle;
An legs an arms, an heads will sned,
Like taps o thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies:
But, if ye wish her gratefu prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!



Robert Burns

Now we finally know what kind of "meat" they're made of...


What beef kababs are really made of
Can't see it? Look below:

kabab close-up
EWWWWWW!


Monday, January 24, 2011

The Zen of Sarcasm


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9 . If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is probably not for you.

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12 . If you tell the truth,
you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug;
some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal
until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

21 . Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22 . N
ever, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Interesting concept, and so true.........


Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:

Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.


However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.


The first set of rules would be:
1. Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
3. You may only spend it.

Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.


The second set of rules:
1. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, “It’s over, the game is over!”
2. It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.


What would you personally do?


You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?


Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?


Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?


You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?


ACTUALLY, THIS GAME IS REALITY!!


Each of us is in possession of such a “magical” bank.


We just can’t seem to see it.


THE MAGICAL BANK IS TIME!


Each awakening morning we receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.


What we haven’t lived up that day is forever lost.


Yesterday is forever gone.


Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time…….


WITHOUT WARNING.


WELL, what will you do with your 86,400 seconds?


Aren’t they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?


Think about that, and always think of this:


Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.


So take care of yourself, and enjoy life!


Here’s wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!

Daylight Savings Time Begins Today

Male or Female?


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


Freezer Bags
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


Photocopiers
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.



They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


Tires
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.


HOT AIR BALLOONS
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go any where, you have to light a fire under their butt


Sponges
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. (I always thought he was THAT way! heehee!


web Pages
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


Trains
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


Hour Glass
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


Hammer HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


Remote Control
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...

Ideal husbands...


While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

And then God made the earth round.


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Sunday, January 23, 2011

NSFW- Willie Nelson's 75th Birthday Quote


Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.



Willie Nelson
"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

*Thanks, Gary

18 Fun Interesting Facts You Never Knew About The Internet


Well, it’s official. Pretty much everyone now has broadband and the majority us of use the Internet more than we watch TV. Everyone and their grandmother is on Facebook, and many of us have some kind of embarrassing moment enshrined on YouTube. But how much do you really know about the Internet revolution?

Click here to jump to makeuseof

*Thanks for the link, Gary

Humans Are Not the Only Beings with Interspecies Friends


National Geographic

When Surya, the orangutan, meets a hound dog by the river, the two carry on like long lost friends.


We humans often cannot get along with other humans because the tone of their skin differs from ours.

How much can we learn from these two species, whose love for each other spans across species lines?


*Thanks, Gary

Why I like retirement!


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ..


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.


Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favourite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.....
Saturday & Sunday, I rest.



SERENITY!

*Thanks, Gary

Saturday, January 22, 2011

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked.
'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ( hellooooooo )!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER..THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

*Thanks, Gary

Thoughts on Retirement


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

Old Folks Crossing!

'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


Old Folks Crossing!

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Old Folks Crossing!

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Old Folks Crossing!

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Old Folks Crossing!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

Old Folks Crossing!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'.

Old Folks Crossing!

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Old Folks Crossing!

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Old Folks Crossing!

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

Old Folks Crossing!
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.


*Thanks, Gary

Fast Draw Tips


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."


*Thanks, Gary

A Dog Named Jasmine


In 2003 police in Warwickshire , England opened a garden shed and found a whimpering, cowering dog. The dog had been locked in the shed and abandoned. It was dirty and malnourished, and had quite clearly been abused.

In an act of kindness, the police took the dog, which was a female greyhound, to the Nuneaton Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary, which is run by a man named Geoff Grewcock, and known as a haven for animals abandoned, orphaned, or otherwise in need.

Geoff and the other sanctuary staff went to work with two aims: to restore the dog to full health, and to win her trust. It took several weeks, but eventually both goals were achieved. They named her Jasmine, and they started to think about finding her an adoptive home.

Jasmine, however, had other ideas. No one quite remembers how it came about, but Jasmine started welcoming all animal arrivals at the sanctuary. It would not matter if it were a puppy, a fox cub, a rabbit or, any other lost or hurting animal. Jasmine would just peer into the box or cage and, when and where possible, deliver a welcoming lick.

Jasmine

Geoff relates one of the early incidents. "We had two puppies that had been abandoned by a nearby railway line. One was a Lakeland Terrier cross and another was a Jack Russell Doberman cross. They were tiny when they arrived at the centre, and Jasmine approached them and grabbed one by the scruff of the neck in her mouth and put him on the settee. Then she fetched the other one and sat down with them, cuddling them."

"But she is like that with all of our animals, even the rabbits. She takes all the stress out of them, and it helps them to not only feel close to her, but to settle into their new surroundings. She has done the same with the fox and badger cubs, she licks the rabbits and guinea pigs, and even lets the birds perch on the bridge of her nose."

Jasmine

Jasmine, the timid, abused, deserted waif, became the animal sanctuary's resident surrogate mother, a role for which she might have been born. The list of orphaned and abandoned youngsters she has cared for comprises five fox cubs, four badger cubs, fifteen chicks, eight guinea pigs, two stray puppies and fifteen rabbits - and one roe deer fawn. Tiny Bramble, eleven weeks old, was found semi-conscious in a field. Upon arrival at the sanctuary, Jasmine cuddled up to her to keep her warm, and then went into the full foster-mum role. Jasmine the greyhound showers Bramble the roe deer with affection, and makes sure nothing is matted.

Jasmine

"They are inseparable," says Geoff. "Bramble walks between her legs, and they keep kissing each other. They walk together round the sanctuary. It's a real treat to see them."

Jasmine

Jasmine will continue to care for Bramble until she is old enough to be returned to woodland life. When that happens, Jasmine will not be lonely. She will be too busy showering love and affection on the next orphan or victim of abuse.

Jasmine


Pictured from the left are: "Toby", a stray Lakeland dog; "Bramble", orphaned roe deer; "Buster", a stray Jack Russell; a dumped rabbit; "Sky", an injured barn owl; and "Jasmine", with a mother's heart doing best what a caring mother would do...and such is the order of God's Creation.


*Thanks, Gary

Friday, January 21, 2011

Running in the Rain

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" she repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,"! Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated, "Mom, let's run through the rain."

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!'"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories... so, don't forget to make time and take opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to
appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to
forget them.

Take the time to live!!!

Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!

Received this email....


ALL CHAIN MAILS DESIGNED TO WASTE YOUR TIME AND GET YOUR EMAIL ADDY ON SPAM LISTS


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. (Allen!)


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to all of my friends, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And, thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Singapore, and I no longer have any sneakers --but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thanks to any and all of you who told me I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.


And, thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



FAVORITE PART OF THIS IS...TADA...........If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 4:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day!

Ha! (Rule applies not to everyone this does..)


Jar Jar

Stupid Is as Stupid Says...



ON We're There!
MUD-FILLED PARADISE.
An unforgetable sensation,
as if you are entering right
into Hell


--sign outside a hot spring in Japan





ON MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT BASIC ENGLISH PLANNING INSTEAD
"Mathematics Planning For Forth Grade."


--title of a New York City Department of Education preparatory guide





ON CIVILIANS, INHUMAN
"We think it’s important that, in doing that, they try to limit as much as possible the so-called collateral damage, not only on civilians but also on human lives."


--White House spokesperson Tony Snow





ON CLARIFICATIONS, NOT VERY CLARIFYING
"I didn’t say “assassination.” I said our Special Forces should “take him out.”"


--Pat Robertson, defending himself against charges that he had called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez





ON NOT THE BRIGHTEST BULB

People magazine: Who was president during the U.S. Civil War?

Rocker Tommy Lee: Ummm, Winston Churchill? I wasn’t around then, so who cares?

People: Who invented the polio vaccine?

Lee: Wow. George Bush?



--rocker Tommy Lee, who was starring in the reality show Tommy Lee Goes to College, answering questions that tested his knowledge


Thursday, January 20, 2011

M*A*S*H Trivia

Click here for MASH Trivia

Click above

Government Travel Warning!


The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.


They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

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I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!


*Thanks, Bright Eyes

TROY - The Latest Strip


--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken--


This a gay-themed comic

Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'

Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.



The new comic, Troy #271, Home Sweet Home is out in the magazines and up online. It’s a new year and a new home in a new city for Troy and Nick.

And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROYTooner.