Dr. Visit

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for,
and I know what the glove is for,
but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged
and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.....

ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT"

Solve the Puzzle!!

A NEW WAY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONE

This is why trying to organize a Company Christmas party is a pain in the backside...

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the marketing director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The marketing director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.


FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too -- they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream rightNOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, Drink, drive and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

On The 9th Day Of Christmas...

my true love gave to me....

9 hunks-a-posing....

RAGE - The Gay Crusader

Click on the picture to read all about it!

The Beginning of a tradition...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the sacks split, and the toys fell to the ground in the snow. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had finished off the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door which he opened to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a Lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

*Thanks, Bright Eyes!

The Holiday Season is upon us...

Pictures you don't often see...

Hey .. shouldn't they be home baking cookies?

What? Too many shakes?

Looks like UPS wins!!!

Come on,..... just one? (Looks like a place I used to work at!)

Starting with spelling!!!

I think it was the FedEx driver

I bet this is by the school that teaches Arithetic

It must have been the FedEx driver

The Naked Runner

Matt was having an affair during the day while his partner Ted was at work. One day, he was in bed with his boyfriend Ralph, when he heard Ted's car pull in the driveway.

Matt yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, Ted's home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Matt cried, "If Ted catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

These are all made of snow....

Get A Grip!

The Doll

I was walking around in a Wal Mart store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, 'I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll.'

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: 'Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'

The old lady replied: 'You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand..

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

'It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.'

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. 'No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.'

His eyes were so sad while saying this. 'My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: 'I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.'

Then he showed me a very nice photo of himself. He was laughing. He then told me 'I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.'

'I love my mommy and I wish she didn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.'

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. 'Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll!''

OK' he said, 'I hope I do have enough.' I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: 'Thank you God for giving me enough money!'

Then he looked at me and added, 'I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!''

'I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'

'My mommy loves white roses.'

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state of mind from when I started.

I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I ought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

*Thanks, Dad

History Exam!

 1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob.

b. On the floor board, to the left of the  clutch....

c. Next to the horn.

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it.. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing.

c. Large salt shaker.

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk.

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled.

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum  named  for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II.

a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter.

b. Chocolate licorice bars.

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up.

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing.

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust.

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key.

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot.

c. Long pieces of twine.

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts.

b. Ask Mom.

c. Eeny-meeny-miney-MO.

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940s and 1950s?

a. Smallpox

b. AIDS

c. Polio

12. 'I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey'

a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pony?

a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek.

b. What you did when your  Mom called you in to do chores..

c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess in the Howdy Doody Show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajawea

c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window.

c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure.

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum.

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items.

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos.

18. Praise the Lord , & pass the _________?

a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song 'Cabdriver' a hit?

a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The  Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?

a. Tony Bennett

b. Xavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin

----------------------------- -------------------------------

ANSWERS

1. (b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch Hand controls, popular in  Europe, took till the late '60's to catch on.

2. (b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing..  Who had a steam iron?

3. (c) Cold weather caused  the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top...

4. (a) Blackjack Gum.

5. (b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. (a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. (c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. (a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. (a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. (c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. (c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. (b) Taxi , Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. (c) Macaroni.

14. (c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. (a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. (a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. (b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. (c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. (a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.  

20. (a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there..

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.

Bumper Stickers

Jack and Bob

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!

New Christmas Present For Blondes!

*Thanks, Leo

Home Remedies

DID YOU KNOW THAT. .

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade - can relieve headache pain almost immediately without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate Toothpaste - makes an excellent salve for burns?

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoid Peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? - Mix 1 Tablespoon of Horseradish in a cup of Olive Oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore Throat? - Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer - Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product has never been advertised for this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes - All you need is a dab of Preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor,relieving the swelling instantly.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes - Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin, sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus - Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection - To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear Nail Polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust - Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. Did you ever wonder why people drink Coca Cola?????

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer - If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can' t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover - just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's Tomato Paste boil cure - cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothes the pain and brings the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters - To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine - a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz Vinegar to heal bruises - Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly - Dawn Dish Washing Liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor - Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites - All it takes is a few drops of Wesson Corn Oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Vaseline cure for hair balls - To prevent trouble-some hair balls, apply a dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief - It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

**HUMOUR** - OMG gossip: John Travolta gay rumors get specific

More "evidence" of John Travolta's gay spa proclivities courtesy of The National Enquirer (aka the tabloid whose stories are usually true) [queerty]

Giggles, Gaffaws and Groaners...

An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1.

The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"

The Antartican replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"

The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"

The Antartican says, "Duh, big red truck!"



Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.

There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.

They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.

Take care of yourself son.

Your Maw



One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.



A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,

he thought of it as his mission,

he kissed her once then once again and said

"There, that's addition!"

She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,

she kissed once and once again,

smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,

they kissed each other once, then twice,

and said "that must be multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young lady's father

had this 'lesson' in his vision,

he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said

"Then that is long division!"



A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”



A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met?

Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don’t know makes a touchdown.



A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

Only Maxine Knew you would like this......

"I never get tired of housework - I don't do any."


"When guests come to visit I just put down dropcloths and say, 'We're painting.'"
*Thanks, Bright Eyes

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

World's first V8 Supercar powered skateboard

The test driver isn’t wearing any knee or elbow pads.

Aprons: This Is a Classic!

I don't think our kids
know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing
hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.



From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.



When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids..



And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it around her arms.



Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,
bent over the hot wood stove.



Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.



From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.
After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.



In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.



When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.



When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men folk knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.



Send this to those who would know (and love) the story about Grandma's aprons.

REMEMBER:



Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill
to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron - but love...

*Thanks, Robert

Christmas Tongue Twisters

Seven Santas sang silly songs.

Tiny Timmy trims the tall tree with tinsel.

Santa's sleigh slides on slick snow.

Bobby brings bright bells.

How many deer would a reindeer reign if a reindeer could reign deer?

Running reindeer romp 'round red wreaths.

Kris Kringle chose to climb the chimney at Christmas.

Chilly chipper children cheerfully chant.

Two trains travel together to Toyland.

Eleven elves licked eleven little licorice lollipops.

Santa's sack sags slightly.

Ten tiny tin trains toot ten times.

Santa stuffs Stephie's striped stocking.

There's chimney soot on Santa's suit.

Comet cuddles cute Christmas kittens carefully.

Kris Kringle clapped crisply.

Santa sang seven songs.

Santas Sleigh Glides In The Sky.

Eight elves elegantly ate everything.

Santa Clause's cloak closes tightly..

Sammy saw Santa on the snow slide.

Paul's presents present perticular problems placed parallel to pink ponsetias.

Hollie hangs holly here hopping happy holidays hurry.

Tree trimmers try to trim trees while Tracy tastes treats.

Wrapping warped wreaths risks ruining weather wilted wood.

Youthful yeoman yodel yule yarns while yatching.

Santa seems seriously sick since Sally served sour salmon soup.

Sitting there Slightly Stuffed Santa Sleeps Silently.

Silly smelly sam snowman slips & slides like soap down slopes .

Santa's seven sleighs slid sideways

Rudolph runs rings 'round Rover

Silly smelly snowman slips and slides

Eleven elaborate elves hid Ellie elephant

Santa sat slowly on a soft chair with his sack on his back.

Silly snowmen slide with slick scarfs down the slow slope.

Rudolph roars with red anger and a red as rose nose.

Winter whacks whistley wind.

Snowballs simply slowly hit the slick ground unless they hit you sorrowfully.