*Thanks, Bright Eyes
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 11, 2008
TROY - The Latest Strip
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.
Troy #213 "Uncle Jeff's Cabin" is out in the magazines and online. As the campaign rhetoric heats up, Fatale gets an offer she can refuse.
Disney Trivia
Did you know that the tale of "The Sleeping Beauty" dates to a 1528 Arthurian romance?
The Pharmacist Joke
PHARMACY ROBBERY
A couple of thieves wearing ski masks robbed a small town pharmacy. Fortunately, there were no injuries and all they succeeded in getting away with was the pharmacy's supply of Viagra.
Local police are on the lookout for the hardened criminals !
VOL À LA PHARMACIE
Deux voleurs masqués de cagoules ont fait irruption et cambriolé une pharmacie de campagne. Heureusement, le vol n'a fait aucun blessé et tout ce qu'ils ont réussi à emporté avec eux fût l'inventaire de Viagra de la pharmacie.
La police locale est à la recherche de ces criminels endurcis !
Star Wars - The Saga Begins
by Weird Al Yankovic - has to be viewed on youtube. Click below to watch the video:
The Poem
 |
| RIP Randall Andrew Husack |
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
'Tomorrow' I say! 'I will call on him
Just to show that I'm thinking of him.'
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner, yet miles away,
'Here's a telegram sir,' 'Randy died today.'
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
Remember to always say what you mean.
If you love someone, tell them.
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.
*Thanks, Pam
SASKATCHEWAN does have a sense of humour ...
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yorkton. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says: Old Timer's Bar ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!
They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a Voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 more cents, please.'
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the Bartender 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?'
'Here's my story. I'm a retired farmer from Regina, and I always wanted To own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to Open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.'
'Wow. That's quite a story' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the Bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'They're Winnipegers, they're waiting for Happy Hour.'
*Thanks, Barbie
Friday, October 10, 2008
Is My Child Going To Grow Up Gay?
Early Child Development Homo Prevention Tips1. A boy must not sit on a toilet unless he is having a bowel movement. Standing straight up, not hunched over while urinating, is a sign of manliness. Squatting on a toilet seat (especially if he hovers to avoid the urine of others or prissily wipes the seat with a square of toilet tissue) to pee is not only effeminate but a sign of shame! It is a secret hobby that homosexuals use in their daily lives. It is a scientific fact that when needing to use the restroom, a male is called upon to engage in the unpleasant undertaking of extruding a poopy in only 1 out of every 3 visits. But homosexuals use all three visits to practice squatting, to limber the cheeks of their bottom in preparation for even the most enormous penises. Such calisthenics are neither necessary nor advisable for men who have no intention of squatting over an engorged penis. As soon as your child is able to walk on two feet, you must make that sure he is taught to stand proudly in front of a private or public toilet seat, and to speak not a word, especially in response to the coy whispers of Catholic priests in the next stall.
2. A boy must eat everything on his plate. But if your son pesters you to serve corn on the cob, hot dogs or sausages, that is your signal to change his diet. Try serving meals that more effectively evoke a hankering for the fragrant delights of the female genitalia. An artichoke stuffed with tuna fish will usually do the trick.
3. A boy must always wear socks, except while swimming. So-called, "flip-flops" and "sandals," where the toes and ankles are exposed are products that were created during the (homo)sexual revolution. Creation research indicates that these types of provocative "shoes," were invented by homosexuals in San Fransissyco during the late 1960's with fetishes for little boy ankles. Thwart the perverted delight of these pedo-pedophiles with a thick pair of tube socks!
4. A boy must not be allowed to watch cartoons of any kind. He should spend Saturday mornings sitting quietly by his Father's side (with a respectful 3" between the male bodies), watching sports that don't involved male leotards. He must watch Football, Basketball, Baseball and Boxing. Soccer is not a sport for civilized people and often results in alarmingly long, uncut penises escaping from very alluring satin shorts. Soccer appeals only to poor, uneducated halflings from underdeveloped countries where the women grow mustaches twice as fast as the men. Make your child aware of this. When there are no sports on TV, take your boy out in the backyard and throw the football or play catch with a very hard baseball. Under no circumstances: wrestle in shorts, especially if your son is strapping, handsome and sporting a noticeably turgid crotch.
5. A boy must not play with dolls. If your boy has a young sister, forbid him from entering her room except for the purposes of the type of ordinary heterosexual experimentation that occurs in any Christian household. If you catch your male child playing with dolls, Landover Baptist Child Psychologists recommended that you shave his head, and sit him out at the end of the driveway with a sign around his neck that says, "I'm a Sissy Boy Who Plays With Dolls – Mailman: Why don't you just go ahead and stick something in my mouth?." This method of prevention has a 99.5% success rate (unless your particular mailman is young and attractive).
6. A boy must not refer to his parents as "Mommy" or "Daddy." As soon as your boy is old enough to speak, he must be taught to call his Mother, "Ma," or "Momma" or "Mommie Dearest." When addressing his Father, he should refer to him as, "Sir," "Dad," or "Commander." "Mommy" and "Daddy" are what fey, spoiled boys weaned on effeminacy coo, embarrassing you in front of the neighbors by never keeping the palms of their hands below their waists.
7. A boy must always wear thick, white underwear. White boxers, and/or briefs are acceptable. Your child must be taught that men who wear colored underwear or undergarments that are cut within one inch of the outer periphery of their pubic region or the trough of the valley between the cheeks of their bottom are either European or Homosexual – and in America there is no difference between the two.
8. A boy must never cry or pout. Crying, pouting or showing feelings are weak and feminine traits. After the natural tears of infancy, brought on by a child's traumatic exit from the spiritual realm of Heaven, to the horrible shock every young man experiences in seeing his very own mother's hairy, dilated vagina, and into this Devil run world we call, "Earth," your boy must be taught to stop crying. It usually takes a normal child several weeks to get over its birth – even when using daily submersions into ice-water.If your child is still crying after three weeks, please drop him off at the Creation Science Laboratory for the remainder of the year and for a determination of whether he is worth having back.
9. A boy must not use brightly colored crayons or any crayons from any colors of a rainbow. Christian parents should remove and destroy any suspiciously colored crayons from their boy's box of Crayolas. This needs no explanation, as we here at Landover Baptist are all familiar with Mr. Crayola's so-called "alternate lifestyle," and his reason for putting "Pansy Pink" and "Engorged Penis Head Purple" into his boxes are quite obvious. A boy must also draw in straight lines. Some curves are fine, but if you suspect your child of "doodling," and see that he is using more curves than straight lines, please call your Pastor immediately.
10. A boy must not skip or prance. You must not allow your boy to attend any school where they teach the children to "skip," or play "hopscotch" in Physical Education class. Creation Scientists have proved that such activities are the precursor to cross-dressing, appreciation for poetry, a sardonic display of irony and the rampant shoplifting of skin care products.
For more laffs go here: Landover Baptist Church
http://www.landoverbaptist.org
--Wizard's Note: Hahahahahahahaha! And the Wizard is a:
....and PROUD of it!Landover Baptist Church is a parody of Reverend Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka KS, which can be found at:
http://www.godhatesfags.com
Above picture from their website
http://www.godhatesfags.com
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES *LOVERS OF WORDS*
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES *LOVERS OF WORDS*
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Cliff Notes
It's a little known fact that sentences containing every letter of the alphabet are called 'pangrams', or 'holalphabetic sentences'. For example: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
ONE BIG DUDE
A little guy goes into a elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy then said "thank God, I thought you said turn around".
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little guy then said "thank God, I thought you said turn around".
Quick Takes
THE NERVE:
Did you know that in the human body is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
THE DIFFERENCE:
What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
Did you know that in the human body is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
THE DIFFERENCE:
What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Riddle
Schwarzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
Cher claims that she took on 3
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Click here to find out.
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
Cher claims that she took on 3
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Click here to find out.
SaskTel
An elderly lady with a dog, called The SaskTel phone company to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Very Punny!
A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.
All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
The Confused Philosopher
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
An whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scarey that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will steal the toilet?
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy on the streets?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Who coined the phrase: 'To coin a phrase'?
How come only fat people drink diet cola?
If books get dog-ears, do dogs get book-ears?
If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries?
If an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and a stitch in time saves nine, would surgery cost less if only healthy organs were removed?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A point to ponder...
The Lord's prayer is 66 words. The Gettysburg Address is 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Brain Teasers
Try them first, then if you give up... Click on the picture of the brain:
Number 1:
Can You Solve It?
10, 4, 3, 11, 15...
What number is next?
a) 14
b) 1
c) 17
d) 12
Number 2:
Can You Solve It?
AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS
If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says?
Number 3:
Can You Solve It?
Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by great white sharks. How would you survive?
Click on the brain for the answers
"New Male Beauty Product"
Are you fat?
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you balding?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Work for the Canadian Wheat Board?
Do ladies call you macho . . . or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
In general, have ladies lost interest in you?
Do not despair. A German company has come out with a new "Male Beauty Product". This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly! If you purchase this product, and use it, even if only once or twice, you will see that the most beautiful and sexy ladies can not resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now!
Take a look for yourself . . ..
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you balding?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Work for the Canadian Wheat Board?
Do ladies call you macho . . . or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
In general, have ladies lost interest in you?
Do not despair. A German company has come out with a new "Male Beauty Product". This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly! If you purchase this product, and use it, even if only once or twice, you will see that the most beautiful and sexy ladies can not resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now!
Take a look for yourself . . ..
Monday, October 06, 2008
The Pheasant and the Bull
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree' sighed the pheasant 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Ten reasons to go to work naked..actually 11...
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your already exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Appearances Can Be Deceiving
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Rude Spoonerisms
It's easy to get tongue-tied and accidentally say something rude, as you'll know if you've ever watched one of those compilations of TV slip-ups. Often just switching two small sounds in a phrase will result in an embarrassing, or even obscene Spoonerism!
Try reading these out loud, ONCE, but not within earshot of your grandmother... just in case!
The acrobats displayed some cunning stunts.
Sir, you are certainly a shining wit.
He fills her soul with hope.
It's the Tale of Two Cities.
Have you brought your sleeping bag?
She is sure pretty.
Have you seen her sick duck?
Oh, the suffering of purgery on my soul!
He's not a pheasant plucker.
She showed me her tool kits.
He's a smart fella.
A hot pie would make me happy.
Fire truck.
Overhead door.
Rude/Dirty Tongue Twisters
These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!
I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.
I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.
One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.
I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.
Fire truck tyres
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Six stick shifts stuck shut.
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.
I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.
I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.
One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.
I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.
Fire truck tyres
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Six stick shifts stuck shut.
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.
A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.
Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.
NOTE FROM THE WIZARD: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist!
Saturday, October 04, 2008
THIS WEEK’S QUOTATIONS
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.
- Alexis Carrel, French Nobel Prize-winning surgeon (1873-1944)
We should every night call ourselves to an account: What infirmity have I mastered today? What passions opposed? What temptation resisted? What virtue acquired? Our vices will abate of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Roman writer (54 BC - 39 AD)
"I have done my best." That is about all the philosophy of living one needs.
- Lin Yutang, Chinese writer, inventor (1895-1976)
Let us be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die, so let us be thankful.
- Siddhartha Gautama, Indian spiritual teacher, founder of Buddhism (563-483 BCE)
My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.
- Clarence Buddinton Kelland, writer (1881-1964)
Apologies that merit forgiveness reflect the ethical virtues of respect and responsibility. They show respect because they express a sincere, deeply held regret for the way injury was caused and responsibility because the apologizer is not only sorry but will not do it again.
- Michael Josephson
*Character Counts
TRUE or FALSE? YOU DECIDE!
Hey Jude was the Beatles’ last No. 1 hit single in the U.S.
Major League Baseball’s Darren Baker Rule sets the minimum age for bat boys at 14.
The non-monetary payment was given to the doctor who delivered Dolly Parton was a chicken.
Watches were the first product Richard Sears sold—before launching his famous Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog.
Richard Warren Sears
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