Coming Out

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Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day

Philosophy of housecleaning

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.) 

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. 

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own. 

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous 

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer! 

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again. 

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. 

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press" 

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

REMEMBER . . . .

WELL????

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Are you too wired? Eight sure signs you need to disconnect!

 

1. YOU PUT A BLUETOOTH HEADSET IN YOUR MOTORCYCLE HELMET 

2. YOUR CELLPHONE IS YOUR MOST IMPORTANT BATHROOM ACCESSORY 

3. YOU PREFER YOUR CELLPHONE OVER TOM CRUISE 

4. YOU BELIEVE YOUR RIGHT TO A CELLPHONE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN A RIGHT TO A FAIR TRIAL 

5. YOU BELIEVE YOUR RIGHT TO YAK IN PUBLIC IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN PUBLIC SAFETY 

6. YOU LIVEBLOG A HOSPITAL PROCEDURE 

7. YOU SUFFER FROM A WORK-INDUCED TECH ADDICTION 

8. YOU INTERRUPT SEX TO ANSWER YOUR CELLPHONE

Witch Power

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and go out to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. They won't even know the difference."

The manager does as he is told; the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first geezer says, "You know, I think my girl was dead."

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why on earth would you say that?"

"Well, when I was making love to her, I kissed her on the neck and gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window."

Reflections

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Credit card fraud - IMPORTANT INFO

 

The scam works like this:

"This is Carl Patterson (any name) and I'm calling from the Security and Fraud department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card issued by 5/3 bank. Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?" 

When you say "No". The caller continues with, "Then we will be issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the $500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is that correct?" 

You say, "Yes". The caller continues . . . "I will be starting a fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 800 number listed on your card 1-800-VISA and ask for Security. you will need to refer to this Control #". Then gives you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it again?" Caller then says he "needs to verify you are in possession of your card. Turn the card over. There are 7 numbers; first 4 are 1234 (whatever) the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are in possession of the card. These are the numbers you use to make internet purchases to prove you have the card. Read me the 3 numbers." Then he says "That is correct. I just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have your card. Do you have any other questions? Don't hesitate to call back if you do." 

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The REAL VISA security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 WAS put on our card. 

Long story made short . . . we made a real fraud report and closed the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number. What the scam wants is the 3 digit number and that once the charge goes through, they keep charging every few days. By the time you get your statement, you think the credit is coming, and then its harder to actually file a fraud report. The real VISA reinforced that they will never ask for anything on the card (they already know). 

What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call from "Jason Richardson of MasterCard" with a word for word repeat of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up. 

We filed a police report (as instructed by VISA), and they said they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell friends, relatives and coworkers. 

*For further info, visit Urban Legends Reference Pages 

*Thanks, Andy

Wow!! Child like faith!!

This story was written by a doctor who worked in South Africa...

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died leaving us with a tiny premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).

We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates).

"And it is our last hot water bottle!" she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

"All right," I said, "put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts. Your job is to keep the baby warm."

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. "Please, God" she prayed, "send us a water bottle. It'll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon."

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, "And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for little girl so she'll know You really love her?"

As often with children's prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say, "Amen". I just did not believe that God could do this.


Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything, the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren't there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses' training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there, on the veranda, was a large twenty-two pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the children.

Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the childrenlooked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the...could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out - yes, a brand-new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.
I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, "If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly too!"

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!

Looking up at me, she asked: "Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she'll know that Jesus really loves her?"

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months. Packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God's prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child - five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it "that afternoon".

*Thanks, Andy

Rednecks, Gotta love 'em

 

Baptizing a Newfoundlander

Valerie is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,when she comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. She proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks Valerie, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

Valerie answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs her and dunks her in the water. He pulls her up and asks the drunk,"Sister have you found Jesus?"

Valerie replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks her into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls her out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my sister?"

Valerie again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks Valerie in the water again ---but this time holds her down for about 30 seconds and when she begins kicking her arms and legs he pulls her up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

Valerie wipes her eyes and catches her breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

*Thanks, daryn

Kissy Kissy

The National Enquirer is running a full page photo in its current edition of John Travolta locking lips with an unidentified man, but the supermarket tabloid is being verrrrry careful not to specifically out the actor. The paper says the picture was taken on the tarmac at Hamilton (Ontario) Airport. Travolta is has been in nearby Toronto shooting "Hairspray" where he plays Edna Turnblad, the drag character made popular on Broadway by Harvey Fierstein.

The picture shows Travolta with one arm around the back of the good-looking male who sports a blonde buzz cut. The guy has his arm around Travolta's shoulder and the two are in mid kiss. An inset, purportedly taken a few seconds earlier shows the two with an arm each around one another gazing into each other's eyes. In big bold type the Enquirer says "Travolta and Pal Ready For Takeoff". The copy says the shot was taken at the airport on the steps to Travolta's private 707. But, the Enquirer's copy contains a caveat that it obviously hopes will keep it out of court. The very last line says "Was [Travolta's] wife Kelly watch as John and his buddy locked lips? It's possible! Kelly was already on board while the men kissed - and threesome jetted off together." It isn't the first time that questions have been raised about Travolta in the Enquirer. A few years ago the paper published claims by porn star Paul Barresi that he had a two-year affair with the actor. Barresi was reportedly paid $100,000 for the story but he later recanted it and then suggested he was right the first time. Now I don't particularly care what camp Travolta is in. He hasn't made a career of slagging gays. What I do care about is publications that use the gay factor to somehow suggest homosexuality is a bad thing. That picture wouldn't raise an eyebrow in Europe where straight men frequently kiss one another as a greeting. And, yes, on the lips.

If Your Neighbor Smokes Can You Sue?

(Dublin, California) Smokers, beware: This bedroom community near San Francisco may soon put you in the same category as rodents, junk cars and weeds. The Dublin City Council gave preliminary approval last week to an ordinance declaring secondhand tobacco smoke a public nuisance, a move designed to make it easier for residents to take to court neighbors who puff with impunity. "We have to legislate civility at times," said Councilwoman Kasie Hildenbrand. Hildenbrand sponsored the measure after a constituent complained that polite attempts to persuade the smoker next door to curtail her habit had failed. 

If the law passes as expected on Sept. 5, Dublin would join the state of Utah and the Los Angeles suburb of Calabasas in giving residents a stick to shake at recalcitrant smokers when pleas for courtesy are ignored. The proposed Dublin measure would not ban smoking in private homes or backyards. Neither would police be asked to issue citations. But adding secondhand smoke to the list of nuisances the city recognizes - a docket that already includes excessively loud music, noxious smells and untended garbage - would lower the burden of proof on plaintiffs who go to small claims court seeking relief from wafting fumes and up to $7,500 in damages. 

Dublin already outlaws smoking within 15 feet of public playgrounds, ATMs and bus stops, as well as in the outdoor seating areas of restaurants and enclosed common areas of condominiums, nursing homes and retirement communities. It also bans hookah bars, where patrons smoke through communal water pipes, and medicinal marijuana clubs. The vote on the latest ordinance came a little more than a month after the California Air Resources Board classified secondhand smoke as a toxic pollutant that contributes to deaths and illnesses among nonsmokers. Hildenbrand said the board's action, along with a report from the U.S. Surgeon General last month that attributed 46,000 deaths from heart disease and another 3,000 cancer deaths annually to secondhand smoke exposure, should embolden bigger cities to add tobacco smoke to their public nuisance statutes. Two council members who voted against the ordinance argued that targeting smoking on private property was an improper use of the city's authority. 

Utah's law has been on the books since the mid-1990s, but Lena Dibble, spokeswoman for the state's Tobacco Prevention and Control Program, said she knew of only one or two instances where people ended up in the state's small claims court over secondhand smoke. And no cases had been filed since the late 1990s. Calabasas, Calif., adopted its secondhand smoke law in March as part of a comprehensive measure that also banned smoking in all public places. Anti-tobacco groups knew of no other places where efforts to curb secondhand smoke had gone as far. The Dublin resident who inspired her city's legislation said she and her husband considered moving because of a yearlong battle with a smoking neighbor. Shirley Wassom, 72, said the neighbor lit up on her patio, and the smoke wafted through Wassom's windows. Wassom, who is allergic to cigarette smoke, asked her to smoke on the far side of the yard, but the woman insisted she had the right to smoke where she pleased. Wassom's son installed a two-way radio so the neighbor could warn the couple to close their windows. But the system didn't work very well, she said. 

One morning, the neighbor became irritated when she could not reach the Wassoms on the radio at 7 a.m. "That burned me up," Wassom said. "Here she knows I'm retired and expects me to get up to shut our windows." Her problem was resolved after the neighbor moved in May. Hildenbrand said she expects more such disagreements because the city has encouraged the development of town house and condominium complexes with shared yards. "I really feel that as Dublin grows, we are creating new nuisances for our community that are not typical of suburban areas, and we need to be progressive in taking care of our residents," she said.

*by Lisa Leff, Associated Press

The Design of Everyday Things

The human mind is exquisitely tailored to make sense of the world. Give it the slightest clue and off it goes, providing explanation, rationalization, understanding. … Well-designed objects are easy to interpret and understand. They contain visible clues to their operation. Poorly designed objects can be difficult or frustrating to use. They provide no clues–or sometimes false clues. They trap the user and thwart the normal process of interpretation and understanding. 

 --Donald Norman, The Design of Everyday Things

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba , Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester , MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


And Finally . . .


A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

*Thanks, Andy!

Send this post to the people you'll never forget.

It is a short message to let them know that you will never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in a hurry and have forgotten your friends. Just click on the "Permanent Link" at the bottom of this post and paste that address in an email.

LIFE IS SHORT

DANCE NAKED and

WIGGLE YOUR BUTT.

Making Pancakes

Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.

He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.

And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.

Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!

That's how God deals with us.. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.

Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.

But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

I was thinking. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do.

*Beautiful! Thanks, Pam!

Riddle Me This!

Of no use to one
Yet absolute bliss to two.
The small boy gets it for nothing.
The young man has to lie for it.
The old man has to buy it.
The baby's right,
The lover's privilege,
The hypocrite's mask.
To the young girl, faith;
To the married woman, hope;
To the old maid, charity.

Click above for the answer.

Can You See it?

There is a hidden picture inside the picture below. It can be seen in 3D without 3D glasses! Take a hard look and see if you can find the 'hidden shark'...

*Magic Eye

Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

*Thanks, Andy