By Gail Fulkerson
It won’t be long before the insufferable kiddies begin running around the house, yelling and screaming, all hopped up on sugar and soft drinks, waiting impatiently for Xmas Eve to arrive. It’s the ultimate kid’s holiday, the run-up to the BIG DAY, when Santa Claus slides down chimneys around the world to deliver presents to all the children who were ‘nice’ during the past year, and ’naughty’ children receive lumps of coal in their stockings.
Kind of a strange tradition, but who cares, we’re going to ruin it — we shall desecrate the whole shebang!
Here’s what to do:
1. On Xmas Eve, start a roaring fire in the fireplace, so that if the man in red tries to gain entry by way of the chimney, he will wish fervently that he knew how to use the front door.
2. The ‘cookies for Santa’ that you lovingly put on a plate and placed near the Xmas tree, must be heavily laced with arsenic. For added insurance, make sure to put some arsenic and a healthy dose of bleach into the old bugger’s glass of milk, too. (If you have pets, make sure they cannot reach and consume any of the ‘treats’ meant for Santa.)
3. Cause a fatal accident on the rooftop by watering the shingles until there’s a thick layer of ice on them. No reindeer can keep their footing on a sloped roof coated with sheer ice and no sleigh laden with tons of gifts has a chance of staying upright.
4. Pray for lots of snow to cover the carnage that will ensue on your front and back yards. Failing that, ensure you have a lot of white sheets to cover all the dead reindeer, so as not to cause a fuss from the neighborhood kids when they discover Santa’s reindeer — including Rudolph — have all died on your property. You and your family will become pariahs in the community, but who gives a shit, eh?
5. When the kids begin to ask where Santa Claus is, instead of telling them the truth, promise to bring them a pony or to bring their dead grandparents back to life in time for them to sit at the table for Christmas dinner next year.
6. Lastly, before you take your seat at the table, make sure to eat as much candy and drink as much soda as your guts will hold, so that it feels as though your innards might burst; if you can, hold it in until the turkey is on the table. That is your cue to stand up as though you’re going to say a prayer, but vomit all over the food-ladentable instead. (Your vomiting may induce others to follow suit, and that would be a bonus.)
7. There you have it. Another Xmas ruined, courtesy of the Daemon family.
You are welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment