31 Signs the computer has taken over your life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

The 10 Most Powerful Words With Beautiful Pictures!

Click above

A Powerpoint Presentation

Funny

I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Art by Steve Walker

"One Family's Values"
Click on the picture to goto a facebook page dedicated to him and his art. Tons of homoerotic* litho's available.
Not Porn!

BIOGRAPHY: Drawing is one of Steve Walker's earliest childhood memories. He recollects drawing pictures from about the age of three or four years old. Drawing came naturally to the Toronto artist, and his love of the art form continued into his adulthood. As a self taught artist, Walker only began painting after a trip to Europe when he was 25 years old. During the trip, he spent much of his time in Europe touring the great galleries and museums. In his words it was the first time he was exposed to great painting, and the first time he recognized the potential power of the art form. "I was moved by something that I was capable of doing," he said. His first paintings were done in a somewhat secretive way, as he had no intention of exhibiting or selling, and had no aspirations of becoming a professional artist.

Producing art about his life and the lives of those around him is as natural to Walker as his first childhood drawings. As a gay man, Walker is acutely aware that he is living during a period of history that is both the best of times and the worst of times. There is more freedom and acceptance for gay men and women, while at the same time AIDS has devastated the gay population.

But Walker's paintings are not about gay people or homosexuality. He describes his art as being about love, hate, pain, joy, touch, communication, beauty, loneliness, attraction, hope, despair, life and death. His art includes universal themes regardless of race, gender, socio-economic class, culture or sexual orientation. However, his work is unique because he conveys these themes through the subjects in his paintings, young gay men. "Remove the gender of the painting's subjects and what we have is human relationships in general, and one's relationship to the world itself," he said. "As a homosexual I have been moved, educated, and inspired by works that deal with a heterosexual context. Why would I assume that a heterosexual would be incapable of appreciating work that speaks to common themes in life, as seen through my eyes as a gay man. If the heterosexual population is unable to do this, then the loss is theirs, not mine."

If Walker were an abstract painter or a landscape artist, he says his sexual orientation wouldn't matter. But since his paintings are about gay life, his sexual orientation becomes more important than his cultural background, age, or nationality.

The focus of his paintings often depict sadness and loneliness to reflect the reality that much of anyone's life is sad and lonely. Walker often portrays people in relationships as separate entities because that is the way he views them. He also uses a small and consistent palette of colours because he is comfortable with them and the colours provide the desired results. "Colour is very powerful and a little can go a long way if used effectively," he said. "Some colours are very exciting to me, while others are quite offensive. Painting flesh is very exciting because of the huge variations possible within a very small colour range."

Walker's artworks are very large, always measuring 36" by 48". He creates large paintings because he believes that a large image is more appealing than a smaller one. "Whether it's a television screen, cinema screen, or an image in a magazine, the size of the image connotes a degree of importance," he said. Walker said belonging to an oppressed minority group has been a driving force in creating his art. "Any minority wants and needs to find artistic voices that reflect their own personal situations, and, in doing so, validate and record their lives and cultures for themselves, and for the larger world," he said. 

"Someone to be loved"

The art above is The Wizard's Favourite. I have a framed print.

Walker said he experiences many small rewards during the creative process. "After hours of painting, I stand back and look at something that wasn't there before -- a hand, face, or piece of fabric will exist where there was once a blank canvas," he said.

As an artist, Walker said it's exciting to be working at a point in history where there is an audience ready to appreciate and consume his creations. "It is very rare to find success as an artist in your lifetime," he said. "My work will be around long after me, but seeing it affect people at the time that I am creating it is very rewarding."

In recent years Steve Walker's work has been exhibited in galleries in Toronto, Montreal, New York, Philadelphia and Key West.

The gay community of North America has responded very positively to Walker's art. "I am very aware of the appreciation from a group of people who recognize the time, energy and talent devoted to a body of work that speaks specifically to them but at the same time exists in the larger world that we all live in," he said.

* ho·mo·e·rot·ic ( hō ' mō-ĭ-rŏt ' ĭk ) adj. Of or concerning homosexual love and
desire. Tending to arouse such desire.

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

A MESSAGE TO START YOUR DAY.

Tess went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar
from its hiding place in the closet. She poured
all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully.
Three times, even. The total had to be exactly
perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing
the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she
slipped out the back door and made her way
blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above
the door. She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her
some attention but he was too busy at this moment.

Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.

Nothing.

She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound
she could muster.

No good.

Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the
glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an
annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from
Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without
waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess
answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really,
really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."

"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing
inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can
save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but
I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening
a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough,
I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He
stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of
a miracle does your brother need?"

"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
"I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs
an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want
to use my money".

"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered
barely audibly. "And it's all the Money I have, but I can
get some more if I need to.

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and
eleven cents-the exact price of a miracle for little brothers."

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand
he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where
you live. I want to see your brother and meet your
parents.

Let's see if I have the kind of miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in
neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn't long until
Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were
happily talking about the chain of events that had led
them to this place. "That surgery," her Mom
whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much
it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...
one dollar and eleven cents


...... plus the faith of little child.

Ask The Wizard (Cable vs. DSL / HD TV / Medication Tracking Software / Tip of the week)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I'm finally ready to switch to high-speed Internet service. Both cable Internet and DSL are available where I live. I've heard arguments from both sides about which is better. What do you think?

Signed,

Speed Me Up, Scotty

Dear Scotty,

Cable and DSL both provide a connection that's always on, so there's no need to dial up each time you want to go online. But there are differences between them.

Cable generally is faster than DSL. Shaw, for example, claims download speeds of up to 4 Mbps for its standard high-speed service, while SaskTel says its basic DSL service runs at between 384 Kbps and 1.5 Mbps. For everyday Web browsing, you'd never need the higher cable speed and probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. If you download a lot of music or video, however, cable can do it faster.

The other big factor, as you point out, is price. SaskTel's DSL can be had for about $30-35 per month, while Shaw cable Internet will cost you more than $40. Complicating the picture are installation costs for the services and the price of a modem, but overall, I'd give the value edge right now to DSL.

Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I'm in the market for an LCD television that I can use for high-definition programs. If I get one that has an integrated HD tuner, will I be able to receive HD programming through my cable without having to use a set-top box?

Signed, bored with TV

Dear Bored,

Not likely, friend. Tuners in most HDTVs only allow you to receive high-def programming over the air (and only if you also get a special antenna and if you can receive HD signals in your area). To get HD through your cable, you'll need the HD set-top box from the cable company.

Even in the few cases where the set is designed to plug directly into a cable, it won't work if the tuner in the set is incompatible with the cable company's HDTV protocol. And because the protocols are constantly evolving, the built-in tuner could soon be obsolete in any case.

Better to forget the integrated tuner and get an "HD ready" set. Just make sure it can display HDTV pictures, not just accept the signal. Then hook it up to an HD set-top box, and you're in business.

Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

Does anyone make good software for keeping track of personal medical records? When my children were little, I was always having trouble remembering when they were vaccinated and which medicines they had taken. Now that I will be a grandmother, I want my kids to be able to do a better job with their babies. Also, I'd like to maintain a list of diseases and illnesses I've had and the medicines I take.

Signed, Confused with Meds

Dear Confused,

Programs with features you're looking for include RecordSmart ($39, online at www.myhealth123.net), Health-Minder ($35, at www.health-minder.com) and HealthFrame ($39.95, at www.recordsforliving.com). However, you may not need special software.

Basically, you want to create a database into which you can plug medical records and history. If you already have database software such as Microsoft Access or Microsoft Works (a suite that includes a database program), you're in business.

Even a spreadsheet program such as Excel (or Works, which also has a spreadsheet program), can be used to keep track of medical records. One big advantage of building your own database is that you can customize it -- something that's difficult or impossible with off-the-shelf offerings.


Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

TIP OF THE WEEK

Opera, a good alternative Web browser, is now completely free. The Norwegian makers of the software have decided that the only way to compete against Microsoft's Internet Explorer and, more importantly, the upstart Firefox browser from Mozilla.org is to eliminate the ad banners in the free version of Opera.

I still like Firefox better, but at zero cost, Opera's worth a try. You can download it at www.opera.com.

True!

Living on Earth may be expensive...But is does include a free yearly trip around the sun." 

 --Anonymous

HOW TO GET RID OF TELEMARKETEERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Good Point!!!

Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keep You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going! You are so special!

Ask The Wizard (Backing up data)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I was wondering if there was an easy way to back up my letters, pictures and such. It is always on my mind that I am going to lose them.

Signed,

Worrid about everything

Dear Worried,

You are right to be worried... in this day and age with more and more saved in digital format and more and more voruses etc a good back-up plan is a necessity!

Backing up your computer data can seem like a chore, but imagine what it will be like if all your data is gone and you have to start all over again. There are many ways of backing up your data and just as many types of media to use as well. This covers the basic steps needed to backup your data easily and quickly.

1. Organize Your Files

Keeping your information organized should be one of your first priorities. This will make things much easier when the time comes to back up. Because the "My Documents" folder is the default location for many programs to store their files, it is also the most logical location to store your files. Make sub-folders in your documents folder to keep your data organized. Windows XP has already set up some for your use. It includes sub-folders such as "My Music," "My eBooks" and "My Pictures." Add sub-folders as you need them.

One of the most important sub-folders to use is a "My Downloads" folder. This is where you should store and categorize all of your Internet downloads. If you ever need to reinstall a downloaded program, you will be glad you have this folder.
Remember, some programs do not save data to "My Documents." In this case, you should locate and note for backup the folders that these programs do use. In some cases, you may need to copy that information to your "My Documents" folder.

2. What do I Backup?

Just about anything your media will allow you to store. This means you can make copies of all your personal data, such as documents, image and media files, email, financial data, saved games, and anything else that may be important. Try to avoid having to back up the entire operating system unless you have the media that will support this type of backup.

3. Types of Backup Media

There are many types of backup media. You can use tape drives, CD-R and CD-RW drives, DVD-ROM drives or hard drives. You can also use older types of media like Iomega's Zip or Jazz drives. These are all available in both internal and external versions. Be sure to choose the right one based on how much information you would like to save.
Tip: Tape drives, hard drives as well as Zip and Jazz drives sore data magnetically. This type of storage will degrade with time and is subject to outside magnetic influences. CD-R/RW and DVD-ROM drives store data using a laser imprint on the CD/DVD media. This is far less likely to degrade over time and, as long as the disc's are not damaged, will last for many years.

4. Types of Backup Methods

There are two main types of backup methods. You can do an "incremental backup." This is where you back up specifically selected folders and data. Windows includes a fairly decent back up program or you may choose to use the program that comes with you backup hardware.

You can also do a full-system or complete backup. This is where an "image" of your entire hard drive is made. There are different types of programs to image your entire hard drive such as PowerQuest's Drive Image, Norton's Ghost or Dantz's Retrospect. Due to the shear volume of data this type of backup is usually only successful if you have a second hard drive or tape drive.

5. Where Are My Data Files Kept?

Your data files are kept in many places but here are a few locations to look for your information.

Email: Locations may vary. In Windows XP Microsoft Outlook Express saves its files to

'C:\Documents and Settings\(user name)\Local Settings\Application Data\Identities\{indentity number}\Microsoft\Outlook Express'

in files with an extension of .dbx.

Outlook saves its files to

'C:\Documents and Settings\(user name)\Local Settings\Application Data\Microsoft\Outlook\outlook.pst'.

Netscape saves your files in 'C:\Program Files\Netscape\Users\(user name)\Mail'.

Your Internet Favorites or Bookmarks: Internet Explorer stores your Favorites as individual files in the

C:\Windows\Favorites or C:\Documents and Settings\(User Name)\Favorites directory.

Netscape saves your Bookmarks in

'C:\Program Files\Netscape\Users\(user name)\bookmark.htm'.

Other programs: You may need to do some research on where files are saved. One good way to do this is to open up the program in question, create a temporary file and when you save the file do a 'Save as', this will prompt you to where the default location of where the program saves its files.

6.How Often Should I Perform a Backup?

In general, it is best to schedule your backup on a consistent and regular basis. How much information you add or change to your system will help you determine if this should be on a monthly, weekly or even a daily schedule. Most backup software programs allow for automatic scheduling.


Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Wonder Woman has really let herself go...

Spot The Difference!

Gas Prices!!

Saskatoon Joke

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Saskatoon and I worked both sides of the river."<

Saskatchewan Government Announces Cutbacks:

Affects Cities of: Regina and Saskatoon. Towns like Dog River and Woolerton, SK, may benefit.

As part of the cutbacks for 2008/2009, the snow equipment budget had to be realigned. Here is a picture of our new model:

No one in the big cities were available for comment, so The Wizard left for Dog River to get an exclusive comment from cornerstone resident and big business owner, Brent Leroy.

Brent Leroy, owner of Dog River's Corner Gas, (Gas and Convenience Store), reacts to the news:

"Yeah! I just read that in 'The Howler', eh?. It's just great! Before last year when we achieved official 'Town Status', (A whole bunch of Hollywood freaks came here to do some sort of nature film -- can you believe it? Here in Dog River, eh?! They just said to just keep on doing what we normally do, talk as if they weren't there. And they even paid us as 'extras'! I was able to buy a few more chili cheese dogs than before. That $10 sure came in handy! Who da thunk that they would be so intested in filming grass and such?)."

"Anyways, we did not even have a budget. Now we have a budget! Now Hank won't have to use his dirty hoe to clean up the street and sidewalk in Dog River. Myrtle will be so happy. You know last year she slipped on the sidewalk and broke her hip. (If that happened this year there'd be hell to pay. -oh. Can I say that? You know between you and me, I think she gets hooked on the painkillers, eh?.)"

"Anyways, Woolerton [spits], doesn't need one of those new plows. They only have one street! Just make sure that they don't add some kind of food tax and force a cut in Lacey's budget at The Ruby... I need my Chili-Cheese Dogs!"

"Above is me and Lacey celebrating with our first checks from the movie fella. Oh, and we rent movies."

Quoth The "Scotsman"

Dr. McCoy: "Well, Scotty, now you've done it!"  

Scotty: "Aye. The haggis is in the fire for shure."

Daddy Cut the Big One!

Click above

You have to love Indian Women...

1. ...for their ability to play rez ball , take care of 20 kids, and manage to make sandwiches at the same time when at a basketball tournament.

2. ...for their quick response to guys saying "shht, shht".

3. ...for any reason to say "Aye!" at the end of a joke.

4. ...for their ability to cram 20 people in one room at the Super 8 motel during a powwow.

5. ...for their ability to make commodity food taste like a 4-star culinary feast.

6. ...for their ability to make those breakfast/lunch/dinner burritos that we all love so much.

7. ...for their ability to expertly point with their lips at that fine grass dancer with the long braids.

8. ...for their ability to make a rez car look good.

9. ...for their ability to change a tire.

10. ...for those little hairs that always seem to stick up no matter how much hairspray applied.

11. ...for their ability to work wonders with bailing wire and, of course, duct tape!!

12. ...for their ability to keep sweat pants fashionable no matter what occasion.

13. ...for their ability to make that all-tourney t-shirt and shorts into the one and only Indian "swimsuit."

14. ...for their ability to stay out all Friday night at the Indian Casino and still hit the early Saturday morning yard sales.

15. ...for their ability to make Black Lodge miss a beat with her long hair, shady brown eyes, and feather light dancing.

16. ...for their ability to lead all the round dance songs at the Gathering's 49.

17. ...for their tendency to want to bead every clothing item of the entire family.

18. ...for their ability to give one "look" at their man to shut him up.

19. ...for her ability to go the store with those infamous pink rollers in her hair with not one hint of embarrassment. shrub no matter how small.

20. ...for their ability to somehow get her husband to ask for some of his money out of his own paycheck.

21. ...and last but not least for their wonderful ability to sneak 10 extra drumsticks of chicken and biscuits into their Tupperware from the buffet in town to later feed the family.

The Naked Runner

Matt was having an affair during the day while his partner Ted was at work. One day, he was in bed with his boyfriend Ralph, when he heard Ted's car pull in the driveway.

Matt yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, Ted's home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Matt cried, "If Ted catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

SANDSTORM!

Click above to see the pictures! Awesome!

The Only 7 Star Hotel In The World

Click above to have a look inside!

The Complete Guide To Troubleshooting Beer

Click above for the Beer Trouble-Shooting Guide

These still give me a chuckle

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and two blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.



A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.



A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold"

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . .. . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee,"



A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Hold the flashlight

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ......... smack his ass again!
 
If you didn't laugh on this one, there's no help for you...

Famous Caricatures

Click above

The Art of Jesus

Click above

GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.




GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Patience and Tolerance

Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

Exam Bloopers

I came across this list of alleged replies students wrote in history and religious education exam papers...some are quite cheerful and believable.

1. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain!

2. Solomon one of David's sons had 500 wives and 500 porcupines!

3. The government of England was a mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

4. Another great author was john Milton. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then when his wife dies he wrote Paradise Regained.

5. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.When he was President he wore a tall silk hat and said,"in onion there is strength"!

6. France was in a very serious state, the revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was ther theme song of the revolution and it catapulted into Napoleon.

7. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur invented a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist ho wrote "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

8. Another tale tells how William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple whilst standing on his son's head!

9. Achillies appears in The Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysees endured on his journey!

The Star Trek Apartment

You know, we all say we'd like to have our own transporter rooms, but so few of us ever bother to make one. Interior design genius Tony Alleyne (www.24thcid.com) owes a tremendous debt to "Star Trek: The Next Generation," not only for inspiring his insanely wonderful apartment, but also for generating enough mainstream acceptance of the franchise to entice non Betazoid women through the door.

Alleyne used Vellman digital audio playback modules to provide authentic ST sound effects, plus Vossystems voice-activation gear and loads of AEI Security Systems remote controls. No word on whether he hires a flunky in a red shirt to stage spark-showered deaths at parties. Located in the neutral zone of Hincley, Leicestershire in the UK, Alleyne recently posted a stellar $1 million USD asking price for his unearthly domicile on eBay. Say, wasn't money supposed to disappear by the 24th century?

To view his apartment, click below:

ICE -- Great Idea

  

This is a great suggestion! Paramedics will turn to a victim's cell phone for clues to that person's identity. You can make their job much easier with a simple idea that they are trying to get everyone to adopt: ICE. 

ICE stands for In Case of Emergency. If you add an entry in the contacts list in your cell phone under ICE, with the name and phone no. of the person that the emergency services should call on your behalf, you can save them a lot of time and have your loved ones contacted quickly. It only takes a few moments of your time to do. Apparently, Paramedics know what ICE means and they look for it immediately. ICE your cell phone NOW! Please pass this one along

His Ass Is Too Small...

2 Ditties

Bubba Joe

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."

"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."

"Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,! it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Where are YOU, on the "GEEK-CHART"???

What level of geek are you? If you're not sure, just check out the Geek Hierarchy Chart.

  Click above for a bigger image

Ask The Wizard (Blogging)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I was thinking of getting into blogging and wonder if there is anything you can tell me about it?

Signed,

Possible Blogger

Dear Possible,

Here is what The Wizard dug up:

"What is blogging? Easy Beginners guide"

Click here.

Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Crisis Management

 

These 25 tips will get you through any situation, or at least they'll keep you giggling as you try to cope..

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.

Prozac works on everyone!

 

Women VS. Men

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS POST TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

We Shall Remember

We Shall Remember.... Forever

Click on the above picture for a presentation

Above picture is from RJ and the Firedog's Blog

Forever Remembered

There’s no way to avoid it.
It happens every year.
I think about other things
But this day begins to appear.
It happens very subtly,
A song, a picture or two
And then I begin to remember,
A sky … oh so blue.
You woke up that morning
Said your goodbye’s
Little did you know
Hours later you would die
I didn’t know your name
Never met you in fact
But you were with my friends
That were there and never came back
It’s been 14 years since last I enjoyed a blue sky
It’s been 14 years since many of us said goodbye
I’d like to know that you’re okay
Looking from above
Knowing that you are truly missed
By all those you love
Forever Remembered