Skippy the dog

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Sunday dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts all over you!"

No Sissy Poem

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this post- just the stone cold truth of our great friendship...

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

**Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

HOW THEY MAKE PERSIAN CATS!!!!

Africam

Way COOL!

Click on the 'Nkorho or one of the other cams

The Pink Spotlight on Gay Symbols

Ever wondered what's up with all the symbols that gay people use? I'm sure that you have seen them - Rainbows, Triangles, and more... There are many reasons for the symbols... helps us recognize others in our tribe as well as showing PRIDE in part of who we are.



I have written a page and in honour of GLBT history, It is available here as well as always being accessible by clicking on the 'Rainbow Bear' on the left hand side of 'OZ'....

Happy reading!

Click Above.

In the animation world, people who understand pencils and paper usually aren't computer people,

and the computer people usually aren't the artistic people, so they always stand on opposite sides of the line. But I know what I like....

It's amazing what some people can do with a single sheet of paper.

The Farmer's New Telephone

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".
"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"
Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY am!"
"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

Can of Worms

Click Above.

God's Coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups -porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us."

God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... Enjoy your coffee!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

WHERE HOMOSEXUALITY IS PUNISHED BY DEATH

Iran: Since 1979, the government has executed more than 4,000 people charged with homosexual acts. A non-adult who engages in consensual sodomy is subject to a punishment of 74 lashes.

Saudi Arabia: Although the maximum punishment for homosexuality is execution, the government tends to use other punishments - such as fines, prison sentences, and whipping - unless it feels that homosexuals have challenged state authority by engaging in social movements.

Sudan: For homosexual men, lashes are given for the first offence, with the death penalty following the third offence. 100 lashes are given to unmarried women who engage in homosexual acts. For lesbian women, stoning and thousands of lashes are the penalty for the first offence. Today, the issue has divided some religious communities. In 2006, Abraham Mayom Athiaan, a bishop in South Sudan, led a split from the Episcopal Church of Sudan for what he regarded as a failure by the church leadership to condemn homosexuality sufficiently strongly.

Yemen: Homosexuality is still illegal in Yemen in accordance to the country's Shari'ah legal system. Punishment ranges from flogging to death.

Mauritania: The Shari'a law applies in Mauritania. The penal code states that, since 1983,any adult Muslim caught engaging in an 'unnatural act' with a member of the same sex is punishable with the death sentence by public stoning.

We should get a ship together and cruise on over there, and take to their bars! all of us!

New Terminator-style 'bots can self-assemble, leap, climb and SWARM

Creepy, limbless – MIT roboticists flywheel paves way for tiny, cube-shaped overlords...

Small cubes that self-assemble

Rise of The Machines Roboticists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have devised a range of self-assembling cube robots, which have no external moving parts.

One day, in Texas...

A poor Australian sheep farmer migrated to Texas. Nearly bankrupt, more misfortune befell when several of his lambs tumbled into large vats of vegetable dyes reserved for the local Navajo weavers.

Fortunately for him, a wealthy woman who was passing by in her Cadillac was enthralled by the sight of the colorful lambs cavorting about and ordered a dozen for pets. Word soon spread of her find and the Aussie could hardly keep up with the demand for these unique "status symbols."

He soon became known as the biggest lamb dyer in all of Texas.

Warning - English Joke!

UK-US Translation Guide:
"Aussie" = Australian
"Shag" = To have sex with

An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

"Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

"Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

"Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

*Sick and Twisted Jokes

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

*Thanks, Daryn

Confusion between Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say:
"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Get your unicorn name!

My unicorn name is:
Willow Fair Bridle
Willow is as sweet as a Shetland pony. He is handsome to look upon, and he loves to chase through the clouds.

Click below to get your own!

Berkeley Open Infrastructure for Network Computing - BOINC

The Berkeley Open Infrastructure for Network Computing (BOINC) is an open source middleware system for volunteer and grid computing. It was originally developed to support the SETI@home project before it became useful as a platform for other distributed applications in areas as diverse as mathematics, medicine, molecular biology, climatology, and astrophysics. The intent of BOINC is to make it possible for researchers to tap into the enormous processing power of personal computers around the world.

click on the picture to see a larger view

BOINC has been developed by a team based at the Space Sciences Laboratory (SSL) at the University of California, Berkeley led by David Anderson, who also leads SETI@home. As a high performance distributed computing platform, BOINC has about 596,224 active computers (hosts) worldwide processing on average 9.2 petaFLOPS as of March 2013. BOINC is funded by the National Science Foundation (NSF) through awards SCI/0221529, SCI/0438443 and SCI/0721124.

The framework is supported by various operating systems, including Microsoft Windows, Mac OS X, Android, GNU/Linux (I use ubuntu) and FreeBSD. BOINC is free software which is released under the terms of the GNU Lesser General Public License (LGPL).

I have used BOINC for many years. I started with SETI@home. It was a fun way to utilize unused cpu cycles. And maybe I would discover something in my work unit. I fantasized like what happened in the movie Contact - with Jody Foster. I discovered some 'triples' but not much more than that. I also started to run fightAIDS@home. It later joined with The World Community Grid. I rotate in (rather the BOINC client does for me), about 8 different projects, ranging from World Community Grid to SETI to Climate prediction. Truly set and forget!

Get started! Click here to download BOINC.

Erase The Hate

Friends vs. Best Friends..

The Ultimate Sexual Bucket List

From Valerie Rayne Rants

You are of course, free to pick and choose, choose as few or as many as you wish. You should really stretch and be a little uncomfortable, choose some from the fringe!

Ways to Have Sex

Have a male, female, male (MFM, MMF) threesome
Have a female, male, female (FMF, FFM) threesome
Have sex with 4 or more people
Have sex with a person of the same gender
Have sex with another person, while your partner watches
Watch your partner have sex with another person
Have sex with your partner, while someone else watches
Have anal sex
Have very rough sex
Have very gentle sex
Have sex without foreplay
Have sex standing up
Have sex kneeling
Have sex facing away from your partner
Have sex facing sideways
Have sex with most of your clothes on
Have sex with one article of clothing on
Have sex without kissing
Have extremely quiet sex
Have extremely loud sex
Have sex with a stranger
Have sex without orgasm
Get your hair pulled during sex
Have sex in an awkward/advanced position
Change positions multiple times during sex

Places to Have Sex

Have sex and videotape or webcam it
Masturbate and videotape or webcam it
Have an orgasm in front of people without them knowing
Have sex in public
Have sex at a movie theater
Have sex in a car
Have sex at a drive-thru
Have sex in a bathroom at a night club
Have sex on a balcony or porch
Have sex on an airplane
Have sex on public transit, including buses and taxi cabs
Have sex in the shower
Have sex on the kitchen counter/table
Have sex at work
Have sex in the woods
Have sex at a concert
Have sex for an audience
Have sex in the snow
Have sex on a beach
Have sex in the bed of a pick up truck
Have sex in an elevator
Have cybersex
Have sex in a church
Have sex on a building’s roof
Have sex in your parent’s house

Equipment to Use

Find your favorite vibrator
Discover a brand new dildo that you love
Get some Ben Wa Balls and use them
Get a Kegel Exerciser and use it
Use a Strap-On
Use Anal Beads
Buy some lingerie
Wear a cock ring
Wear some lace, leather or latex
Use a Butt Plug
Wear wrist and/or ankle cuffs
Get a blindfold on
Wear a chastity device
Get a corset
Wear nipple clamps
Purchase a mask or hood
Use play piercing needles
Use a flogger, whip or cane
Buy bondage tape or medical tape
Get a sexy pair of shoes or boots
Use household items as kinky toys
Wear spreader bars
Use furniture specifically designed for sex
Use an unconventional sex toy, such as an ice dildo
Use a fucking machine

Learn Something New

Become familiar with your genitals
Go to the strippers
Go to the strippers on amateur night and perform
Watch porn with your partner
Learn how to belly dance
Take a pole dancing class
Attend a munch
Attend a play party
Attend a sex-related workshop
Attend a sex-related class
Attend a sex-related conference, such as The Taboo Naughty but Nice Show
Read more erotic stories
Read more sex-related blogs
Get an informative sex-related book
Blog/write about your own sexuality
Learn about the Kama Sutra
Get erotic photographs taken of yourself
Show your partner an erotic dance, or have them do one for you
Learn how to have great oral sex
Learn how to give an erotic massage
Learn how to squirt
Subscribe to an erotic magazine
Trim or shave your pubic hair
Discover the art of rope bondage
Role Play

Kinky Fucky Time

Have your genitals worshipped
Have your genitals tortured
Play with a violet wand or TENS unit
Wear a gag
Be put in a cage or confined
Be humiliated or humiliate someone else
Have your breasts whipped
Experience sensory deprivation
Have consensual non-consensual sex (rape play)
Have marks left over the next day