Hearing Problems

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're  getting married?" "Yep!"

 "Do I know her?"

 "Nope!"

 "This woman, is she good looking?"

 "Not really."

 "Is she a good cook?"

 "Naw, she can't cook too well."

 "Does she have lots of money?"

 "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

 "Well then, is she good in bed?"

 "I don't know."

 "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

 "Because she can still drive!"

 

 

 Keep Reading...

 

 

 Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

 Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

 Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

 

 Keep Reading...

 

 

 A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 

 "Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

 "Twelve thirty ."

 

 

 Keep Reading...

 

 

 Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

 Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" 

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

 

 

 Keep Reading...

 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

 "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Unlocking The Secrets Of Davy Jones

..How the villain of "Pirates of the Caribbean - Dead Man's Chest" was unleashed

With Captain Jack Sparrow and crew ready to set sail again on July 7, excitement is running high. The much-beloved "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" left many of us hungry for more - and "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" promises just that. Back for the adventure are the three leads from the first film (Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley), such supporting characters as survived to sail again, and the original director (Gore Verbinski), writers, and most of the technical crew.

But some elements are brand-new - and that includes its villain, Davy Jones. Played by distinguished British actor Bill Nighy, Davy is an awe-inspiring amalgam of human and ... well, not-so-human. Half creature of the sea, he looks like nothing we've seen before onscreen and is truly one of the landmark Disney villains.

How did a nice guy like Bill become a tentacular terror? We spoke to Bill himself and to Visual Effects Supervisor John Knoll, who brought the character to life visually.

"It was good fun to play somebody this scary, and somebody this weird-looking," says Bill. Although he did pay a price for the experience: "The only tough part was wearing the embarrassing computer-pajama suit. Lesser men than me would have run from the studio. Particularly when everyone else is dressed very glamorously as pirates, and I have to wear a skullcap with a bubble on the top and white dots all over my face!"

He was wearing the "pajama suit" rather than a costume, because what we see of Davy onscreen is entirely computer-generated (known as "CG" in the trade). But John didn't want to simply place a computerized character into the shots - the intention was to show Bill's performance in every detail. So he was outfitted in a motion-capture shoot with dozens of sensors, and acted in the scenes directly with the rest of the cast. When they react, they react to his actual presence; and every move and facial expression we see in Davy was taken from Bill.

"The basic technical approach to doing all the Davy shots was that we had a really superb actor on-set in that role, and it was treated like any other live-action," John explains. "There's no doing the performance later on a motion-capture stage. There are no actors pretending to interact with someone who isn't there. It's shot just like any other live-action, with the intent that we'll shoot Bill Nighy there and he'll own the performance."

Getting there was a painstaking process, requiring months of creative energy and problem-solving. First concept drawings were done showing what the character might look like, then the visual effects team created a maquette - a clay full-size sculpture of Davy's head and shoulders, to allow the artists to visualize his appearance from every angle. Only then did the computers come into play; a 3D scan of Bill Nighy's head and body was done, so the character would fit his proportions. The underlying shape is correct because it's following the shape of his body. This allowed them to take Bill's performance on set and fit the CG character to him exactly. The joint lengths are the same - the ankle-to-knee length is the same on the CG Davy as it is on Bill.

Once the scenes had been filmed, powerful rendering computers were used to turn Bill's performance into Davy - and the result is unearthly. According to Bill, watching Davy onscreen was "a very spooky experience. Nothing quite prepares you for it, because it's a fantastic creature, beautifully achieved. And it's got your voice, and it's extremely weird, actually. It's quite unsettling."

And unsettling is just what John was shooting for. "We were always going for scary! The first scene where we meet him, Gore was very deliberate about 'We've got to light him in a scary way, and he's got scary dialogue.' He said, 'I want kids to have nightmares about this.'"

However, Davy isn't just a boogeyman, but a complex and intriguing character. "He's funny at times too, very entertaining. And we did occasionally go for the gross moment. We see him sleeping, and we gave him a bit of a runny nose - the blowhole has some postnasal drip," John laughs. "Okay, it's gross! It was an opportunity we just couldn't let pass."

Although John stresses that many of the visual effects in "Dead Man's Chest" are unlike anything you've ever seen (in addition to Davy and his crew, there's a creature called the Kraken that you've got to see to believe), Bill and John agree that the flavor of the film is pure "Pirates" - no surprise, with so many of the alumni of the first film reunited to create this one.

"It has exactly the same feel. The writers are brilliant, and they've kind of taken it on in a very powerful and appropriate way,' says Bill. "And the performances are brilliant. Johnny is so extraordinary and he's kind of the heart of the movie, I suppose you could say. I think a large part of its appeal has to do with the fact that it's extremely good-hearted. Sort of friendly. I think that's a large part of the first movie's appeal - I can't see how, if you dug the first movie, you wouldn't get a big bang out of the second one!"

John agrees. "It's faithful to the first one, because it's all the same creative leads. Same director of photography, same camera leads, same writers, same director, same editors. It's very much in the same character as the original. In fact, most of my crew is the same crew I had on the first film!"

It's no small trick to take audiences on a voyage that's unlike anything they've ever seen, but gives them more of what they've loved - but for this crew, it's all part of the adventure.

*Disney Insider

**One-Sheet Size: 27" x 41" (typically pre - 1985); 27" x 40" (typically post - 1985)

Type: Printed on paper stock. Before 1985, usually folded; after 1985, usually rolled.

History: Traditionally, the one-sheet (OS) is the "standard" size for movie advertising in North America. The one sheet is undeniably the most popular size for collectors and consumers alike. Most new movie releases since 1985 were advertised using this size

In addition to the regular release One-Sheet poster produced for most movies, there are also "special" versions made for some films. They are as follows:

Advance: Sometimes called "Teasers", Advance One-Sheets are released before the film comes out. Some of the Advance posters have completely different artwork than the poster accompanying the final release version. Some are identical to the release One-Sheet, with the only difference being the word "Advance", "Coming Soon", or a specific date will be printed along the bottom.

Top 10 Threats

Includes viruses, trojans and worms:

1. W32/Mytob.gen@MM
2. W32/Netsky.t@MM
3. W32/Mydoom.bg@MM
4. W32/Bagle.gen!Sality
5. Exploit-ByteVerify
6. W32/Mydoom.bm@MM
7. W32/Netsky.q.dam
8. W32/Bagz.d@MM
9. W32/Lovgate.ac@MM
10. W32/Netsky.s@MM

Thanks be for children

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

*Thanks, Ken

The inheritance...

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men.

*Thanks, Andy

The Young Within**

The Young Within 
When you see an old person hobbling alongDon't frown and then turn away.For inside that withered old bodyDwells a heart that's still young and gay.
You may see hair that's turned silverAnd age-spotted wrinkled old skinBut take a longer, deeper lookTo see the young person within.
A person who's known joy and happinessAnd perhaps has cried bitter tears.Who has shared times of youthful laughterAnd knowledge that has come with the years.
So don't laugh at them with derisionReach out and take them by the hand.For someday when at last time has touched youYou'll know the young inside and understand.
© Betty Lindsey 6th.June 2006
**Dedicated to my Mom who could not experience growing old.

JUNE 28 – AN HISTORIC DATE - 28 JUIN – UNE DATE HISTORIQUE

One year later, Canadians have moved on On June 28, 2005, the House of Commons passed Bill C-38 by a vote of 158 to 133, marking the end of one of the longest and most thorough debates MPs have ever had. The Senate passed the bill on July 19 and it became law on July 20, 2005. 

One year later, Canadians have largely moved on. Canadians for Equal Marriage commissioned Environics Research to conduct a poll asking Canadians whether they support equal marriage and whether they wish to re-open the equal marriage debate. By a more than a 2 to 1 margin, Canadians who expressed an opinion consider this matter settled and are against having another vote. 

Even a majority of Conservative voters (52%) are against re-opening, while only 38% want to re-open the issue and 10% did not express an opinion. The poll also asked whether “same-sex couples should have the same right to civil marriage as opposite-sex couples.” 59% of all respondents agreed, only 33% disagreed and 8% did not express an opinion. In response, a June 20 Globe and Mail editorial titled “Really, get past it” said of the CEM poll: “Fairly worded questions, and the answers were clear… Mr. Harper is raising an issue that most Canadians see no need to revisit. Take it off the agenda.” For more details, click here. 

PREPARING FOR THE VOTE! Equal marriage opponents on the move “Preparing for the Vote!” That’s the title of the June 17 e-mail sent out by Vote Marriage Canada. It goes on to say their goal is that all MPs “return to Ottawa, in September, knowing that the “so called” gay marriage issue was of real concern to the voters in each and every Riding in Canada” and that “no MP could say that the topic had not been raised in the local Riding this summer.” Vote Marriage Canada is joined by many other groups who are focusing their messaging on “Our Children; Our Future.” 

They haven’t been able to identify a single problem since Ontario began issuing marriage licences to same-sex couples over three years ago. So they’re trying to convince people that equal marriage hurts children. Well, we know better. We know that the children in question, children of same-sex couples, do better when their families are accorded the same legal status and respect as families with opposite-sex parents. We know the studies show that children of same-sex couples do every bit as well as other children. 

Just ask the experts at the Canadian Psychological Association, which is a public supporter of Canadians for Equal Marriage. Fact is, this is a red herring. But it may be an effective red herring. That’s why we need to ensure that MPs hear from equality supporters too! They need to hear that this issue is settled, that 2/3 of Canadians don’t want the issue re-opened, and that after 3 years and more than 10,000 marriage licences issued, it’s time to move on!! Although we’re ahead in the vote count, and it seems likely Mr. Harper’s motion will be defeated, it’s still close and politics is unpredictable. It’s important to be vigilant in defending equality. We don’t want this debate to be re-opened and drag on for years to come. So please contact your MP. And, just as importantly, please donate to Canadians for Equal Marriage. We’re only as strong as you make us. 

OVER 10,000 SAME-SEX COUPLES MARRIED SINCE JUNE 10, 2003 On June 10, 2003, the Ontario Court of Appeal ordered that marriage licences be immediately issued to same-sex couples in Canada’s largest province and paved the way for marriage equality from coast to coast to coast. Since then, over 10,000 same-sex couples have obtained marriage licences and been legally married. This number is based on research done by Canadians for Equal Marriage working with lawyers from across Canada. Here’s the regional breakdown:

Marriage Licences – Regional Breakdown 

NOTES: 1. Numbers are as of May or June 2006, except BC and much of Ontario are as of April 30, 2006 and Nfld and Labrador are as of December 31, 2005. 2. Numbers for NB, PEI, NWT and Nunavut are estimates. 3. In Ontario the province does not separately track marriage registrations for same-sex couples. Data was obtained municipality by municipality. The total is a combination of 4,771 known and 805 estimated. CEM announced these numbers to the media on June 9, at our 3rd anniversary of equal marriage celebrations in Toronto and Ottawa, which received excellent press coverage.

­The Blind Man

One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."

A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it.

He returned the sign to the blind man and left. That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins.

The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.

The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way.

The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."



Sometimes we need to change our strategy. If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always gotten.

And remember too, sometimes it's not WHAT we say, it's HOW we say it!!

*Thanks, Andy

What if Microsoft created the iPod?

Cell phone users warned of lightning strike risk

Using a phone increases the chances of internal injuries if you're struck.  

(Reuters) -- People should not use cell phones outdoors during thunderstorms because of the risk of being struck by lightning, doctors said today. They reported the case of a 15-year-old girl who was using her phone in a park when she was hit during a storm. Although she was revived, she suffered persistent health problems and was using a wheelchair a year after the accident. 

"This rare phenomenon is a public health issue, and education is necessary to highlight the risk of using mobile phones outdoors during stormy weather to prevent future fatal consequences from lighting strike injuries," said Swinda Esprit, a doctor at Northwick Park Hospital in England. Esprit and other doctors at the hospital added in a letter to the British Medical Journal that usually when someone is struck by lightning, the high resistance of the skin conducts the flash over the body in what is known as a flashover. 

But if a metal object, such as a phone, is in contact with the skin, it disrupts the flashover and increases the odds of internal injuries and death. The doctors added that three fatal cases of lightning striking people while using mobile phones have been reported in China, South Korea and Malaysia. "The Australian Lightning Protection Standard recommends that metallic objects, including cordless or mobile phones, should not be used (or carried) outdoors during a thunderstorm," Esprit added.

Gay Biology

(Toronto, Ontario) A new study suggests a male's sexual orientation is not the product of his environment but rather is influenced by biological factors present before birth. 

Researchers at Brock University in St. Catharines, Ont., have found evidence that "a prenatal mechanism(s) . . . affect men's sexual orientation development."

The study's author, Prof. Anthony F. Bogaert, explored the causes behind what is known as the fraternal birth order, research that shows a correlation between the number of biological older brothers a man has and his sexual orientation.

But that concept leaves unclear whether older brothers have a socializing effect on sexuality, or if biological factors are at play.

Bogaert's study, which will be published this week in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, argues for the so-called nature, instead of nurture, explanation of homosexuality.

"These results support a prenatal origin to sexual orientation development in men and indicate that the fraternal birth-order effect is probably the result of a maternal `memory' for male gestations or births," Bogaert writes.

Bogaert, who teaches in both the community health science and psychology departments at Brock, studied more than 900 heterosexual and homosexual men in Canada who had either biological or non-biological brothers.

Dividing his sample into four groups, Bogaert examined the impact of all types of older brothers, including step and adopted siblings, and the amount of time brothers spent together while growing up.

His research found that only the number of biological brothers had an impact on sexuality, regardless of whether the boys were raised together.

"The number of biological older brothers, including those not reared with the participant . . . increases the probability of homosexuality in men," the study reads.

Bogaert also found that the amount of time being raised with older brothers did not influence a younger sibling's likelihood of being gay.

Writing a commentary piece accompanying Bogaert's study, professors from Michigan State University noted that his research puts to lie the notion that one's social environment can affect sexuality.

"It is the number of older biological brothers the mother carried, not the presence of older brothers while growing up, that makes some boys grow up to be gay," write David Puts, Cynthia Jordan and Marc Breedlove.

Bogaert's study, entitled Biological versus nonbiological older brothers and men's sexual orientation, was published Monday in an online version of the PNAS journal.

*by The Canadian Press

Seen on a car window.

*Thanks, Andy

Three minute manager course...

Lesson One 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson Two 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Management Lesson Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

Lesson Three A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management 

Lesson (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three-minute management course. 

*Thanks, Bill

Feel Like A Cowboy?

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queerasfolk Season 5

Plot Summary:

Genres: Drama
Tagline: It's here. It's queer. Coming out July 4/2006.
Plot Synopsis: Based on the British series of the same name, Showtime's queerasfolk' presents the American version. Following the lives of five gay men in Pittsburgh, queerasfolk' is a riveting drama full of sex, drugs, adventure, friendship and love. Although the creators of queerasfolk' wanted to present an honest depiction of gay life, it is by no means a comprehensive depiction. In addition to the usual sexual escapades and relationships of the five friends, the show explores critical gay political and health issues.

Product Details

Actors: Michelle Clunie, Robert Gant, Thea Gill, Gale Harold, Randy Harrison
Directors: Alex Chapple, Michael DeCarlo
Format: Box set, Collector's Edition, Color, Dubbed, NTSC
Language: English
Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only.

Number of discs: 18
Rating - Not Rated
Studio: Paramount
DVD Release Date: July 4, 2006

DVD Features:
Cyndi Lauper "Shine" music video
Rosie O'Donnell photo montage
Season finale wrap party reel
Season finale extended scenes
Patrick Antosh fashion extra
A special message from The Trevor Project and Queer as Folk
SHO Original
Sneak peek of Noah's Arc from LOGO Network
Queer as Folk merchandise sweepstakes

Awards
BMI Film & TV Awards: BMI Cable Award
Directors Guild of Canada: DGC Craft Award for Outstanding Achievement in Picture Editing - Television Series, Outstanding Achievement in Production Design - Television Series, Outstanding Achievement in Sound Editing - Short Form, Outstanding Achievement in a Television Series - Drama
Prism Awards: Prism Award for TV Drama Series Multi-Episode Storyline
Vancouver Effects and Animation Festival: Third Prize for Effects Titles Ident's PSA's

Nominations
ACTRA Awards: ACTRA Toronto Award for Outstanding Performance - Female
Casting Society of America, USA: Artios for Best Casting for TV, Dramatic Pilot
Directors Guild of Canada: DGC Team Award for Outstanding Team Achievement in a Television Series - Drama, Outstanding Achievement in Picture Editing - Television Series, Outstanding Achievement in Production Design - Television Series, Outstanding Achievement in Picture Editing - Short Form, Outstanding Achievement in Production Design - Short Form, Outstanding Achievement in Direction - Television Series, Outstanding Achievement in Direction, Outstanding Achievement in a Television Series - Drama
GLAAD Media Awards: GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Drama Series, Outstanding Drama Series
Motion Picture Sound Editors, USA: Golden Reel Award for Best Sound Editing in Television Episodic - Music, Best Sound Editing - Television Episodic - Music
Prism Awards: Prism Award for Performance in a Drama Series Storyline, Performance in a Drama Series Multi-Episode Storyline, Performance in a Drama Series Storyline.

Trivia
Set in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, this series is filmed in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

The set for the Popular Gay nightclub Babylon was an actual club during part of the first and second season. Due to the operating hours of the club the show moved to a sound stage where they could use a look-alike set at any given time.
The producers decided to pursue the project after reading an article in the Los Angeles Times that critically praised the UK version and said that any American attempt at a show of this nature would be a complete disaster.

At one point 'Joel Shumacher' was attached to direct the pilot.

In the pilot episode, Michael goes through the back room of Babylon looking for Brian. On his way, He sees another friend (who's having sex) and says, "Hey, Todd! How's it going?" Todd looks at him and says, "Fine!" A different character asks Todd the same thing in the first episode of the first, second, fourth, and fifth seasons.

Goofs
A U.S. Mailbox shown is in painted half red, half blue colors. All official U.S. mailboxes in the United States are a solid blue color.

Distinctive Toronto landmarks can be seen in scenes set in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
In Pennsylvania, where this is to be set, car license plates are only on the rear of the cars. On cars shown in different scenes, license plates are visible on the front as well.

The Judge when reading the caption on the Indecent exposure case against Vic: She referred to "The People vs. Victor Grassi". In Pennsylvania the plaintiff in a criminal case is referred to as "The Commonwealth".

Several references to the Susquehanna River. The rivers in the Pittsburg area are: Allegheny, Monongahela and Ohio.

In the first episode of the first season when Brian pours the water over him, trying to seduce Justin, his hair is wet. In the next shot his hair is dry, then wet again.
In episode 405, just before Deb walks in on Vic's dinner party, Debbie (
Michael celebrates his 30th birthday in 2001, meaning he was born in 1971. But in season two his date of birth is revealed to be March 1970.

In episode 116 when Justin and Daphne are entering the classroom, Justin has his backpack over his right shoulder. It then alternates between his left and right shoulders. Later it falls off, comes back on, and then is off again.

Blake comes back to Ted's wearing a suit and Ted takes off Blake's tie. In the next scene, Blake's tie is still on.

Crazy Credits
"queerasfolk is a celebration of the lives and passions of a group of gayfriends. It is not meant to reflect all of gay society."

Quotes**
Michael: What's wrong with here?
Brian: I've had everyone in here.

Justin: I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett: Hopefully not on the same day.

Justin: Bed rest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.

Ted: I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.

Debbie: If I have to watch Martha Stewart make one more g****** thing out of goat cheese, I'm going to kill myself.
Vic: AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.
Debbie: Nobody's that gay.

Debbie: Hi, honey. What are you doing here?
Michael: Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.
Debbie: Kinky.

Brian: It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only truth they can accept is their own.

Emmett: It's pathetic. My screen name has more fun than I do.

Brian: What are you doing?
Justin: Giving my friend Daphne a tour of your house.
Brian: This isn't the White House. George Washington hasn't slept here.
Justin: He's the only guy who hasn't.

Melanie: Your screwing everything that moves is your finest quality and our best defense.

Emmett: A song and a snack can turn any moment into an occasion.

Mysterious Marilyn: God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines.

Melanie: What are you? Mr. Teflon? S*** just never sticks to you.

Emmett: My flame has been rekindled and is burning brighter than ever.

Michael: Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. But then I remembered that I'd have to eat p****, so I said forget it.

Michael: Being there that day I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other, men don't. At least, not the men I know.

Michael: I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael: ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two *** go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him. Christ, he'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad

Emmett: I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me - have you noticed that the world's getting weirder?

Emmett: Why do I always give my heart away to trash?
Brian: Because you want to see it in the dumpster.

Brian: Are you coming or going? Or coming, and then going? Or coming and staying?

[On why Lindsay's WASP parents won't help pay for their wedding]
Melanie: You're a ***, you're marrying a Jew, and you're a registered Democrat. Need I say more?

Brian: He stole all my clothes. I'm suspecting gay-on-gay crime here.
Lindsay: It wouldn't surprise me. You've had more visitors than Disney World.

Michael: Have you ever been on a date?
Brian: One. I ended up f***ing the waiter.

Brian: I don't believe in love, I believe in f***ing. It's honest, it's efficient - you get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of b*******.

Brian: Come on, Mikey, let's fly, like in those comic books. I am Superman. I'll show you the world.
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane?

Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: It's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on, it was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours long.

Michael: I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless s*** who f***s whoever he wants without conscience or remorse.
Brian: I'm sorry, that position's already been filled.

Justin: I've just seen the face of God. His name's Brian Kinney.

Justin: This was the best night of my life.
Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic.

[to Craig Taylor] Brian: So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels. Well, that's not love. That's hate.

[to his father] Justin: If you wanna hit me go right ahead. Because I'm not gonna cry like some little f*****. And if you wanna send me off to boarding school that's fine too. Because I bet more *** f***ing goes on in boarding schools than in the back room of Babylon. But whatever you do, it doesn't matter. Because I'll still be your *** son.

Emmett: You're just jealous because we have what you don't.
Brian: Anal warts?

Brian: Don't get yourself all worked up.
Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up.

[on dating a guy who's HIV positive] Ted: It's like playing with fire. I mean... what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ***...

Emmett: I haven't seen so many dogs since 101 Dalmatians.

Michael Charles Novotny: You f***ed a murderer?
Hunter: What's the big deal? I used a condom.
[to Michael] Brian Kinney: Well, your safe sex lecture paid off.

[after Michael informs Hunter that Brian already has a boyfriend]
Hunter: You do?
Brian Kinney: In a non-defined, non-conventional way, yeah.

[Michael and Hunter argue about Hunter's 'job' as a hustler]
Michael Charles Novotny: This guy could have killed you.
Hunter: They all could.
Michael Charles Novotny: Well, if you know that why do you do it?
Hunter: I have low self-esteem. I was sexualized at too early an age. It's exciting, fun, and a great way to make non-reportable income.
Michael Charles Novotny: I would like an honest answer, smart-***.
Brian Kinney: He just gave you one.

Mel: I said Brian is not the person you want responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcisistic, little, f***ing f*****. And let me tell you something, it's not because you *** ***. It's because you're a little f***ing coward.

Daphne: Didn't it hurt?
Justin: At first I felt like someone was shoving a broom up there.

Michael: That's where I know you from... From the White party... You gave me crabs.

Brian: Why don't you find yourself some nice fuzzy lezzy with a therapist license and work it out.

Brian: How do I look?
Justin: Great... You always look great.

Ted: I took viagra last night. It's been 18 hours and it won't go down. What am I going to do?
Emmett: Have you tried soaking it?
Lindsay: How about a cold shower?
Brian: How about scaring it?
Justin: That's hiccups.
Brian: Boo.
Ted: Thank you all for caring.
Melanie: What about something that would completely turn you off?
Brian: That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your t***

Justin: I like dick. I wanna get f***ed by dick. I wanna *** dick. I like *** dick, and I'm good at it too.

Justin: Well listen up, now that your hearing has returned... This *** says "F*** YOU".

Justin: Welcome to the real world Daph... Nobody gives a s*** about a Gay-Straight Alliance.

Emmett: Pink champagne... yeah, uh, that's too nelly, even for me.

Debbie: Well, if it isn't the man behind the a******.
Michael: Brian's always behind the a******.

Daphne: I'm not a lesbian, but I'm a big fan.

Brian: "How old are you really?",
Justin: 20, 19, 18,
Brian: What is this, a missile launch?
Justin: "17".

Daphne: I'm not the one who got weird. Ever since you met Brian, you've become this totally different person. You go out with him all the time to bars and clubs. It's like I don't even know you.

Brian: Hetero's one... Homo's nothing.

Michael: Brian doesn't do boyfriends.

Michael: Brian is a selfish ***. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Melanie: Brian... I know what its like. His manipulations.

Justin: Aren't you shocked?
Daphne: Not Really. I kinda figured that you were you know.

Debbie: You've got to keep your strength up, sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach.

Ted: The problem with perfection is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.

Brian: So, Dawson, how are things at the Creek?

Michael: So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends.
Ted: Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah, people you will never see again - unless you just bump into them on the street, but never with someone you might actually give a s*** about.
[pause]
Ted: Who made up these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael: Beats me, let's go have a drink.

Brian: I want it to be you
Michael: What?
Brian: I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.
Michael: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug.
Brian: And you pull mine.

Brian Kinney: This used to be such a magical kingdom, full of sprites and fairies.
Justin: Now it's like watching the Wizard of Oz in reverse.
Brian Kinney: Cops in the streets, cops in the bars, cops in the clubs. It's f***ing depressing!
Justin: Unless you're into cops.

Michael Charles Novotny: I don't know how you do it, working all day, f***ing all night.
Brian Kinney: Well they say in the vast emptiness of space, the faster you move, the slower you age. I have to believe the same holds true for Pittsburgh. You care to join me?
Michael Charles Novotny: You'll have to stay forever young without me.
Brian Kinney: I understand, you're in a committed relationship with your, what is that hideous expression? Significant other? Loser.

Justin: He loves me.
Brian Kinney: Your dreamy-eyed school boy.
Justin: In ways that you can't.
Brian Kinney: In ways that I won't.

Brian Kinney: As usual, objectivity falls to me... Think: you don't really want me there, do you? I have to be chemically dependent just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the ***. I'll heckle the ceremony. Table dance at the reception, and inevitably f*** every good looking guy - gay, straight or undecided - in the place. Finally, I'll pass out naked, bitching about the cheap booze. You'll lose your dignity, friends and shirts paying for the damages. Hell! I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.

Brian Kinney: You stupid little ***, never let anyone f*** you without a condom.
Justin: You're not just anyone.
Brian Kinney: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Ben thought about the guy who infected him. Put it on me... I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

[talking about Lindsay] Justin: She must have really wanted a kid.
Brian: Most women do.
Justin: Even lesbians?
Brian: Lesbians ARE women... sort of.

Emmett: If you ask me, nobody makes a better woman than a gay man.

Emmett: I prefer to think of them all as lunatics. Except for Aunt Lulah, who was supposed to be the crazy one. She was my only friend.

Michael: When you spend your entire life keeping it a secret... who you really are. You learn to stop trusting people and it becomes second nature.

Michael: ...in ways that maybe no one intended, those superheroes were a lot like me. At work they're meek, underappreciated... they're the guys that never get laid. And when they're around other people, they can never let anyone get too close for fear that their true identities will be discovered.

Debbie: A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a ***.

Debbie: Article fourteen of the Super Mom handbook says no kicking a******* when they're down. They'd take away my halo.

Debbie: You get my t*** in a knot, Sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep s***.

Debbie: I'm biting my tongue so hard I'm tasting blood.

Melanie: There's no f***ing way Brian Kinney's f***ing sperm are doing the breaststroke in my fallopian tube.

Michael: I want you to know what you're doing really ***.
Brian: Oh Christ, not you too. Look, Stockwell's just stirring s*** up. Once he gets elected this will all blow over.
Michael: You think it's going to blow over for Ted?
Brian: Um, Ted f***ed up. That's not my problem.
Michael: Mom's right, you don't care about anyone but yourself.
Brian: Well if I don't who will, you know? Stockwell and his supporters are my first class ticket out of this second-rate, second-class-Burg.
Michael: What about about you're 'second-rate' friends?
Brian: When I'm on the 99th floor of my new office in New York, this will all seem like a distant memory.
Michael: Fine. Go.
[starts to leave]
Michael: Take Justin with you.
Brian: Wait, you didn't let me finish. It'll all seem like a distant memory except for you. Because no matter where I go or who I'm with. I'll always love you.
Michael: B*******.
Brian: It's not b*******.
[He kisses Michael on the forehead]

Brian: Do you know what I remember from high school?
Michael: That time in Biology when you beat off in a test tube and tried to call it your science experiment?
Brian: Food. There was always lots of food at your house.
Michael: Well, that's an Italian thing. And there was always lots of booze at your house.
Brian: That's an Irish thing.

[about the casting of the lead character of his comic book] Michael: Well, I heard straight actors won't take gay roles.

[on coming out] Emmett: Why tell anyone? Why lose everything when it can just be your little secret? You see, it was different for me. Everyone could tell who I was from the start and it didn't make my life any easier. I've been beaten up, cursed at, spit on, ignored... but in a way it was worth it. Because I have never had to live a lie and I'm not about to start now. Not for you, not for anyone.

Emmett: What kind of homosexual are you?
Brian: The kind that f***s men.

[Brian's looking at his car]
Brian: This is like that time in 7th grade when I lent you my brand new 10-speed and when you brought it back my front fender was crushed, my seat was torn...
Michael: I was hit by a bus!

[walking up to a drunk Emmett]
Justin: We're going to Babylon. You wanna come?
Emmett: I'm not really in the mood for men or muscles or music... I'd rather stay here, get s***-faced.
Brian: You passed s***-faced about 10 miles back.
Emmett: So I've had a few cocktails. Does that qualify me for rehab? Besides, I've already been there.
Justin: Did you see Ted?
Emmett: And you'll never guess who's there with him.
Brian: Liza?
Justin: Robert Downey, Jr.?
Brian: Ben Affleck?
Justin: Matthew Perry?

Brian: Basic rule of advertising and eternal damnation: Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright.

Debbie: So, how was your last trick?
Emmett: Mmm, big dick. Teeny brain.
Debbie: The best kind!

Debbie: Out of my way or I'll punch you out.
Vic: Your doctor told you not to exert yourself.
Debbie: Well f*** 'em! I punched you out when you were a kid, and I can punch you out now!

[about Gus]
Lindsay: Isn't he a little young for James Dean?
Brian: Well you don't want him watching The Teletubbies. Might make him gay.

[looking at Melanie's ultra-sound]
Michael: Holy s***! Would you check out the dick on this kid?
Lindsay: The's the umbilical cord.
Melanie: Besides, you can't tell from this if it's a boy or girl. Although something tells me a princess is on the way.
Michael: Well, it's Ok with me if he's gay.

Michael: You can't open someone else's mail. It's a federal offense.
Hunter: I can see it now: I'm on Death Row awaiting a lethal injection. This mass murderer who killed 48 babies and ate them asks me what I'm being executed for. I say, "Opening Ben's letter."

Brian: We're ***. We don't need marriage. We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and *** priests. We f*** who we want to, when we want to. That is our God-given right.
Michael: But it is also our God-given right to have everything that straight people have. Because we're every bit as much human as they are.

Debbie: There is an alternative to going out in a blaze of glory, and that's giving 'em all the big 'F*** you.'

Emmett: Teddy, how many of those power bars have you had?
[shrug] Ted: Who's counting?
Emmett: I am. That's your fourth. Do you know the number of carbs in those things, not to mention the calories?
Ted: So I'll burn 'em off.
Emmett: Honey, you'd have to go up in flames.

[Brian tells Ted he plans to buy Babylon]
Brian: I want it!
Ted: Oh, you want it! What for?
Brian: I gotta keep the boys off the street at night. I gotta provide them with a warm, friendly environment in which to use illegal substances and have promiscuous sex - safely, of course.
Ted: Noble sentiment. But investment-wise, not very practical.
Brian: And what would be practical, Theodore? To get married? And move to the suburbs? And become a home-lovin', child-raisin', God-fearin' imitation heterosexual? And for what? So that I can become another dead soul, goin' to the mall, droppin' my kids off at school, and having barbecues in the backyard? That's *their* death. Not mine. I'm a ***! I'm ***! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, "judge yourself." This is where I live. This is who I am.

[Brian's just about to re-open Babylon]
Brian: I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my Erector Set!
Emmett: My parents couldn't afford an Erector Set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.

Brian: When did you change?
Michael: What?
Brian: When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit?
Michael: The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up?
Brian: Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval, too. You and the Nutty Professor get married, in f***ing Canada! You move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals, and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey. It's called gay divorce. Fags and *** can f*** up their lives just like the rest of the world.

Debbie: My good ring just fell behind the fridge!
Michael: Your *good* ring?
Debbie: Yeah, the one I got on the TV show.
Vic: From the Joan Rivers Collection.
Debbie: And don't say a f***ing thing about her. I like that she's got a big, dirty mouth that gets her in trouble.

Emmett: My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight.
Ted: Well, your intuition also told you Madonna was going to win an Oscar for "Evita."
Emmett: She *so* deserved it.

Mel: Don't f*** with Mother Nature, huh? Well, I'm here to tell her, don't f*** with me!

Debbie: Well, as far as I'm concerned, it ain't over until the... slightly-overweight-but-still-working-on-it lady sings.

Debbie: A word of advice, my sweet Emmett - mourn the losses because they are many. But celebrate the victories because they are few.

[shows Lindsay a poster] Brian: Blue Rooster. The chicken chain. They need a campaign for their new 16-ounce sandwich. How do ya like, "When You're Hungry For A Big Cock!"?
[Lindsay blankly stares]
Brian: Yeah, they didn't like it either.

Brian: I'm sure there are millions of faggots who'd love nothing more than to walk the straight-and-narrow, but I'd sooner die than see Liberty Avenue homogenized and de-homo-ized.

Brian: Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you?
Justin: You didn't.

[there is a huge line outside Babylon]
Emmett: Brian must be giving *** to get customers. Honestly, he has no shame.

[doing his Queer Guy segment on the news]
Emmett: Hi. I'm Emmett Honeycutt, your Queer Guy. And certified member of the 4-F Club. That's fashion, food, furnishings, and
[chuckles]
Emmett: we'll save the last F for cable.

[about passing baby J.R. around] Melanie: If you would've listened to me and done what I said, we wouldn't be playing this game of, "Baby, Baby, Who's Got The Baby?".
Lindsay: That's what's killing you, isn't it? It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement. It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, not getting her way, not having complete control over everything. Well, tough s***, ya don't!

Monty: Which one of you is the gardener and which one's the chef?
Justin: I really like cooking.
Brian: And I love planting my seed in some hole...
[everyone looks at him strangely]
Brian: ...in the ground.

[about Monty and Eli thinking Babylon is trashy] Brian: So many couples I speak to these days feel that way. That's why I'm starting Monogamous Mondays.

[Ted is just about to have plastic surgery, and he has lines and arrows drawn all over his face]
Ted: Look at me! I look like a cow chart in the butcher shop!

[having just come home from the hospital after hitting his head during a swim meet]
Hunter: Two hours for a f***in' Band-Aid. Good thing I wasn't decapitated or I'd be sitting in that g****** Emergency Room holding my head all night.

Lindsay: He's been saying "Dada" all morning.
Brian: So he's developed an interest in German surrealism...

Michael: Rather than missing what used to be, I look forward to what's yet to be.

Brian: Good evening, twats.
Emmett: Would you kindly refrain from using derogatory references to women, since they represent half my fan base.
Brian: Have any hermaphrodites?
Emmett: I don't think so.
Brian: Good. Go f*** yourself.

Emmett: Do you think I'm physically attractive? Sexy?
Debbie: Keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certain age, and you're *** as they come - f***, yeah.

[talking about Hunter leaving]
Michael: He was determined to leave so he left. There wasn't anything we could've done to stop him. Why are you beating yourself up over it?
Ben: Because he was my blood. You still have a healthy baby daughter, Michael. She'll be loved, sent to a good school, raised in a world where she'll have every chance, every opportunity. Not like Hunter who had nothing. Less than nothing. I wanted to give him all those things he never had.
Michael: So did I
Ben: But I failed.
Michael: You didn't fail.
Ben: Yes I did. I did fail.
Michael: We gave him a home, everything we could of ourselves to make him part of our family.
Ben: Then why isn't he still here?

Emmett: Apparently Pittsburgh is not ready to handle the fact that not only are queers anatomically corrrect, but they actually use all their parts.

Troy: F***ing losers! They just don't get it, do they? These guys, I feel sorry for them. I can't help it, it's my nature. So out of the goodness of my heart, I have sex with them, give them something to remember for a rainy day. But it's never enough. They're pitiful. F***ing pitiful.
Ted: I know what you mean... I was one of them.
Troy: What? You're hot.
Ted: You didn't think so then. Pride, 2002.
Troy: Thought there was something familiar about you.
Ted: Yeah, I was one of your pity f***s. A fact you made painfully clear. Well, guess what? Now you're mine.

[Ben opens the front door]
Ben: Brian!
Brian: Excellent, Professor. You recognize the subject and can identify him by name.
Ben: We've gone to bed.
Brian: That's right, I forgot. The Stepford Husbands turn in early!

[about Justin leaving]
Brian: You infected him, with your petty, bourgois, mediocre, conformist, assimilationist life! Thanks to you he's got visions - babies, weddings, white picket fences - dancing in his blond little head.
Michael: And you think *I* put them there?
Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!
Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."
Brian: That's *not* who I am!
Michael: Don't we all know!

[Ted's trying to get Brian to talk about losing both Michael and Justin]
Ted: You can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it. Let it all hang out.
Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

[talking to himself] Emmett: Emm, don't be such a scaredy queen. No-one's stalking you. Why would anybody stalk you? Just because you're on the Channel 5 news, and everybody adores the Queer Guy. And of course there is the undeniable fact that you have an awesome ***.

[after talking to homophobic people all day]
Corinne: I wanted to say, "How can you be such a bigoted, ignorant a****** and still call yourself an American?"
Melanie: What *did* President Bush say?

[Michael says that Ben's been heartbroken since Hunter left]
Debbie: You two having sex?
Michael: Ma!

Brian: Remember what I said to you last night?
Justin: Yes, I heard. You said you love me.
Brian: Then how about marrying me?

Ted: The contractor just told me that Babylon will be back on its dancing feet in no time with enough insurance money left over to put in that new sound system.
Brian: That's good news. Except I've decided not to reopen the club.
Ted: What?
Brian: Babylon is history.
Ted: But it's your baby, your toy, your personal playground.
Brian: Well, now it's a battleground.
Ted: What are you gonna do with it?
Brian: You said there're developers who wanna tear it down, put in a mini mall.
Ted: And you said you'd sooner die than see our happy homo home homogenized.
Brian: Enough people have already died. Anyway, who'd pay 20 bucks to dance in the memory of bombs and corpses?

[at the candlelight vigil for those injured or killed in the explosion at Babylon]
Drew Boyd: I was asked to say a few words tonight. I asked "why?" They said, "Because you're a hero." A hero... Because I played football? Because after a lifetime of denial I was finally honest about who I am? I don't call that heroic. What *is* heroic is standing up for the rights you deserve, no matter what the consequences. And that's exactly what those who were injured... and who lost their lives last night were doing. Or trying to before they were stopped. But they were up against a powerful opponent - hatred. Hatred spread by those that want to deny others what's rightfully theirs. In the name of *their* God, *their* family, *their* country. I guess they forgot that America belongs to everyone.

Melanie: I used to hate it when Brian would say, "There are two kinds of straight people in this world - the ones who hate you to your face, and the ones who hate you behind your back," because I knew that wasn't true, there are plenty of straight people who don't hate us. But the ones who do no longer have to do it behind our backs, they can do it in the White House, in the churches, on television, in the streets! Is that the kinda place we wanna live? Is that the kinda place we wanna raise our kids?

Brian: You won't marry me. Who could blame you? I am, without a doubt, the worst candidate for marriage alive. But, conversely, that's also the reason that I'm the best candidate.
Justin: And how's that?
Brian: Because as strongly as I was opposed to the idea, now that I'm behind it, I am as fervently and passionately committed.
Justin: Uh-huh. And what changed your mind?
Brian: I finally thought of one good reason to do it.
Justin: And what is that one good reason?
Brian: To prove to the person that I love how much I love him. That I would give him anything, I would do anything, I'd be anything... to make him happy.
Justin: You're f***ing unbelievable.
Brian: It's true. I am.
Justin: You, you bought this. You bought this palace.
Brian: It's for my prince. I'm also selling the loft, and the club.
Justin: Without even knowing what my answer would be?
Brian: I'm taking a chance on love.
Justin: ...Then you mean it.
Brian: I've never meant anything more.
Justin: Ok.
Brian: Ok?
Justin: Let's do it.
Brian: Say it.
Justin: Yes!
Brian: Yes what?
Justin: Yes. Yes, I will marry you. I will marry you.
[they kiss, then Brian pulls away]
Justin: What? Don't tell me you're already having second thoughts.
Brian: Not one.

[after she's read Brian and Justin's wedding announcement]
Debbie: There's only one explanation - he must've knocked up Sunshine.

Michael: Look, what happened between us, I just wanted to say...
Brian: Forget it. I behaved like an a******; you behaved like a bigger one. So... you wanna be my best man?
Michael: Really?
Brian: You've always stood up for me. Why should now be any different?

[Michael can't stand to talk about Mel and Linz moving]
Michael: I don't wanna talk about this.
Brian: Fine, let's talk about something else. What should I wear to my wedding? My mom wants me to wear the gown she wore, but, let's face it, she never had much luck.

[Justin's making the wedding seating chart while he and Brian are talking about Gus moving]
Justin: Y'know, you amaze me. He's your son and you're acting like you don't give a s***.
Brian: They're his parents, not me. I'm just...
Justin: An uncredited guest appearance, I know. You should give yourself more credit. I see how you are when you're with him, it's like nobody else on earth exists. And the way he looks at you -
Brian: Y'know, I don't think you should seat your mom's boyfriend next to Debbie unless you're trying to scare him away.
Justin: Would you listen to me? Are you listening?
Brian: Yeah, I'm listening.
Justin: You are not your father. You love your son. Now what's it gonna take for you to admit it, another bomb?

[Brian doesn't want Gus to move to Canada]
Brian: He's not the only one I'm going to be losing. I don't want you to go, Wendy.
Lindsay: I have to, Peter.

Emmett: As Deb once said to me, "Em, you've been on more wieners than French's mustard."

Michael: This is where it all began...
Brian: ... and ended.
Michael: But it's who we are. It's what made us.
Brian: Didn't you say that this was all just a cheap illusion? That outside life goes on and in here nothing ever changes?
Michael: I did say that, yes, but that was before I realized that some things aren't meant to change. Dance with me.

[Justin walks out in his wedding tux]
Brian: Holy s***.
Justin: What?
Brian: You look...
Justin: Good? Bad? Laughable?
Brian: Beautiful.

[at Brian's stag party]
Michael: Can I have your attention, please? I would like to offer a toast to the memory of Brian Kinney. Out-going, friendly, some would say to a fault, he never met a man he didn't like.
Ben: In his younger days, Brian dreamed of being a lawyer. He said, "I want to get innocent men off. I'll go to any length to get to the bottom of things."
Emmett: Later on in life, he devoted himself to volunteer work. It's true. If he heard that someone was laid up, or flat on his back, he'd come time and time again until they felt better.
Michael: So, now that he's gone, I'm sure that there's not a man in this room who wouldn't agree that he has left a hole that can never be filled. Here's to Brian!

Melanie: You finally grew a heart.
Brian: Maybe you'll have the same luck growing a ***.

[about their first night at Babylon, so many years ago]
Brian: I thought I looked pretty hot.
Michael: You did look pretty hot. ...That night I jerked off thinking about you.
Brian: Well, whaddya know. I jerked off thinking about me, too.

[giving his speech at the Committee for Human Rights]
Michael: It's an honor to stand here today, considering a few weeks ago the doctors weren't sure I was going to make it. But I was one of the lucky ones. I'm here. And as terrifying as it was, I'd be there again to defeat a bill that would deny rights to Americans just because they're gay. I have a loving partner, two wonderful kids, a home, a small business. The truth is, I'm just like you.
[puts away prepared speech and speaks from the heart]
Michael: Actually, that's not the truth. Sure, in a lot of ways, I am just like you. I wanna be happy, I want some security, a little extra money in my pocket, but in many ways, my life is nothing like yours. Why should it be? Do we all have to have the same lives to have the same rights? I thought that diversity was what this country was all about. In the gay community, we have drag queens, leather daddies, trannies, and couples with children -- every color of the rainbow. My mother's standing way in the back with some friends. My friends. She once told me that people are like snowflakes; every one special and unique...and in the morning you have to shovel 'em off the driveway. But being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.

Ethan: Why do you have to be so antisocial?
Justin: I'm not antisocial. I just can't stand people.

Debbie: Do you know what MYOB stands for?
[look blankly] Ted, Emmett:
Debbie: Mind your own f***ing business.
Ted: Shouldn't there be an "f" in there?
[nods] Emmett: Mmm.

Brian: I don't want to be with someone who sacrified their life and called it love... to be with me.
Justin: Neither do I.

Ben: Instead of being our foster son, we'd like you to be our real son. That is, if you'd like us to be your fathers.
Hunter: You mean, you wanna adopt me?
Michael: As soon as possible, in case Prop 14 passes.
[Hunter begins writing in his journal, talking aloud]
Hunter: Today Michael and Ben asked me to be their son. ...I said yes.

[Ted and Emmett are at a ski lodge, with Ted just about to blow out his birthday candles]
Ted: Every year I always wish for the same thing -- a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine.
[Suddenly, Blake walks up behind Ted]
Blake Wyzecki: Ted?
Ted: Blake?!
Blake Wyzecki: I thought it was you.
Ted: What are you doing here?
Blake Wyzecki: I'm on the gay ski team. And it's gay ski week.
Ted: Right. Uh, you remember...
Blake Wyzecki: Emmett.
Emmett: Yeah, wow, what a surprise. And Teddy was just about to hang up his skis.

Calvin: Pardon me, but aren't you Emmett Honeycutt, of the Hazelhurst, Mississippi Honeycutts?
Emmett: Why, yes I am. And you are?
Calvin: Ah...
Emmett: Oh, my God. You're Calvin Colpepper! You were on the boys' swim team in high school! I used to go to those meets just hoping your trunks would slip off.
Calvin: Oh, now...
Emmett: But I always thought you were, um...
Calvin: So did I.
Emmett: So what do you say we go back to my room and reminisce about old times?
Calvin: There's not that much to reminisce about.
Emmett: I know.

[just as Mel and Linz are leaving for Canada]
Debbie: Hold it. I don't care where you're going and I don't care what you're doing, but you better get your *** back here every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, Chanukah, and Mother's Day. Cos you know how I feel about family.
Melanie: We wouldn't be one without you, Deb.

Lindsay: You'll be all right?
Brian: Wiffout you cwazy wesbians?
Lindsay: I meant Justin.
Brian: He's a selfish ***. Thinks only of himself.
Lindsay: You taught him well. ...I know. I'm sorry. No apologies.
Brian: No regrets.
[they kiss]

[Justin's about to leave for New York]
Justin: I'll be back. And you'll come there, we're gonna see each other all the time.
Brian: You don't know that. Neither do I. Whether we see each other next week, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.
[picking up the box that holds their wedding rings] Justin: You didn't return them?
Brian: I didn't return them.
Justin: We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.
Brian: ...You did it.
Justin: Did what?
Brian: Became the best homosexual you could possibly be.

Michael: You'll always be young. You'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for f***'s sake!

Michael: If God wanted me on ice, he would have made me a vodka martini.

[Brian has decided to move to New York] Justin: We should stop him.
Michael: Stop Brian... right. Next we can take on Starbucks.

[about Justin's Jambalaya] Hotlanta: What you need is a teensy pinch of cayenne pepper. Give it that special kick.
Brian: He's gonna get an extra special kick, later. Now, you can either stand around here eating Jambalaya, or you can come upstairs and eat my *****!

Michael: I'm sure he would go if I wanted him to.
Brian: Uh-huh.
Michael: It's true!
Brian: All right, then make sure he's there.
Michael: All right, I will.
Brian: Okay.
Michael: Okay.
Brian: Great.
Michael: Fine.

[a hot guy walks by at Babylon] Emmett: My God... have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Ted: Venice. At sunset.
Emmett: Well - you go down the grand canal and I'll go down on him.
[jokingly follows after guy]

[about Lindsay marrying Guillaume] Melanie: What if he never leaves? What if he becomes a permanent fixture?
Brian: What if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.

**from IMDb.com

Review: Last year I had the opportunity to watch queerasfolk through my dvd subscription. It took me all of half an episode to be hooked on this heartbreaking, funny, dramatic, and serious look at gay life in Pittsburgh among a small group of close friends. I won't try to rehash five seasons worth of this show in a review, but I will say this: This show was way ahead of its time. Derived from the British series of the same name, it served as a model for American shows when the only gay characters on TV were Will and Jack and Ellen. queerasfolk demonstrated that America was ready to have a honest potrayal of gay and lesbian life and love onscreen.

Where this show sparkles is in its dealing with life, love, relationships, drug addiction, the struggles of gay teens and coming out, sex, dating, and discrimination against gays and lesbians. The acting is superb, showcased by Hal Sparks, Gale Howard, Randy Harrison, and Sharon Gless among others, and the cast developed their characters for the last 5 years, making them seem at times more real than not. Is it exaggerated at times? Yes, just as a show like Sex and the City is, but queerasfolk is more heartfelt and emotional than that show could ever be. QAF was also never afraid to tell a dark or painful story, reminding everyone that life is not always wonderful.

The box set extras for the last are quite good, with lots of commentaries, character and actor bios, deleted scenes, and outtakes. The DVD set releases July 4. The final season is only 13 episodes, but the show manages to wrap the series up in a way satisfying to the fans, with an ending they have been hoping for since the first episode of Season 1.[...] Enjoy the final season of this great series. Highly Recommended.

Hmmmm....

The Heimlich Maneuver - Oh MY Hilarious!

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.  

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
-----Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
-----Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
-----Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
-----Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
-----Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
-----Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
-----Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
-----Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
-----Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
-----Noelle -age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
-----Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
-----Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
-----Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
-----Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
-----Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
-----Mary Ann - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
-----Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
------Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
-----Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had aid to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Hell Hath No Fury

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

*Thanks, Daryn

Monster Baseball

Monster Baseball. Click above to play. (Requires flash)

Are YOU Cool?

Click above to take the test!

Plastic Money

What's the problem? Paper banknotes wear out quickly, particularly if they get wet. They are also fairly easy to counterfeit — despite security measures, such as watermarks and having metallic threads within the notes. The emergence of colour photocopiers and scanners has made it easier to reproduce paper money. 

A great Aussie solution CSIRO and Note Printing Australia (part of the Reserve Bank of Australia) developed polymer money. The world's first polymer banknote was the $10 commemorative note issued in January 1988 to mark the Australian Bicentenary. By 1996, all Australians were using plastic money, and that doesn't mean whipping out their credit cards! The new bills are much more durable and have proven a challenge for conterfeiters. 

How does it work? Australia's plastic money is made of a non-porous polymer with a specially developed protective coating so the notes stay cleaner and don't absorb moisture. They last on average 4-5 times longer in circulation, with the plastic $5 note lasting for around 40 months, compared to 6 months for the paper $5. After it does wear out, polymer money is recycled into plastic products such as compost bins and plumbing fittings. The polymer substrate behaves a lot like paper and conventional printing techniques are used to apply ink to the surface. The major security measure is a see-through window which makes the plastic money difficult to reproduce using photocopiers and scanners.

The future Australia was the first country to have all polymer banknotes, but the rest of the world is starting to follow our lead. Note Printing Australia has produced banknotes for Thailand, Indonesia, Papua New Guinea, Kuwait, Western Samoa, Singapore, Brunei, Sri Lanka and New Zealand. Blank polymer substrate is also sold to a number of countries that print bank notes using their own facilities. The material is supplied by Securency Pty Ltd, a joint venture between the Reserve Bank of Australia and Union Chemie Belge, a Belgium based chemical firm. Together with CSIRO, they are pushing towards better polymer substrates and new tricks to outsmart counterfeiters.

What a waste of hard-earned $$!!!!

You wanna flirt with the person of your dreams! Are you curious to see how well u can impress gorgeous women with words? Find out now!

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IT'S HOT, IT'S COOL, IT'S TEXT WEATHER USA!! We will keep you informed and up to date with your local weather forecast! You will always be prepared and ready to face the daily weather, wherever you are!

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Receive the latest music news from your stars and idols daily on your cell phone! We will always keep you up to date with breaking news, headlines and top stories. Do it now and stay informed!

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Charges are billed on wireless phone bill or deducted from balance. Users must be 18 or older and authorized account holder. The services are for entertainment purposes only ...

And to part you from your money! Is The Wizard the only one who thinks these are a waste of $$? $356.40/year!
Besides... You can get your dose of these things right here on 'OZ' and FREE!

So... Your printer is out of order?

PSA

Don't Open At Work!

You have been warned!

Click here.

Believe it or not, these are real 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before, and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

*Thanks, Ken

Believe it or not.... not everyone uses "911" for emergency numbers...

Finally!

Of Cussing Parrots and Toothbrush Horrors...

*How to tame the cussing parrot *

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He then tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


*Tooth Brush*

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."