Transgender Day of Visibility - March 31st

 

Death by Caffeine

Find out how much caffeine is in your favourite drinks and how many it will take to kill you.

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

Death by Penguin Mints

Same as above but with candy.

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-penguin-mints

*Energy Fiend

Snappy Answer

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it. No other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. 

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

hehe

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. 

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. 

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. 

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

I Just Don't Know!

 

18*C Sunday, Blizzard on Tuesday!

Love You...

Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car.

Their children will do better in school. Their partners will fix more things around the house. Other partners cook better.

So let it go and love you and your circumstances. Think about it. The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. The strongest man in the world may be the weakest mentally. The most highly favoured woman on your job may be unable to have children. The undeserved promotion may go to a man without a family.

The richest woman or man you know - they have the car, the house, the clothes - might be heartbreakingly lonely.

So, love you. Love who you are right now. Tell yourself, "I am too blessed to be stressed."

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world."

All about Canada

 

Bend it like Beckham

Calendar Ruling Yer Periods

 For the Twelve Signs of the

Zodiac and their Bawdy Relations

by Charlie Farquharson


Aquahairyass Jan 21-Feb 20
Piskeys Feb 19-Mar 20
Airace Mar 21-Apr 20
Toarass Apr 21-May 21
Jiminy May 22-Jun 21
Cansir Jun 22-Jul 23
Leeyo Jul 24-Aug 23
Vertgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Libberer Sep 24-Oct 23
Scorepee-o Oct 24-Nov 22
Saggytairass Nov 23-Dec 21
Crappycorn Dec 22-Jan 20

Seasons

Winter Dec 22-Mar 20
Spring Mar 20-Jun 21
Summer Jun 21-Sep 22
Autumn Sep 22-Dec 22

PLANITS OF YER UNIVERSAL

YER SUN Senter of the hole rang-dang-doo and alwaze in heat. Also suffers from comiscal blackheads which gives us a lot of statick. Yer Sun is God of yer heart & spine as far as it goes.

YER MOON Goddess of brests and bawdy flooids. It travills round yer Earth in a lippstickle orbit, and is uninhibited except fer what yer assternuts lest after ther last nockturnally mission.

MURKRY, God of X Communications ...(Adults only)...Murkry is yer smallist & most hothouse of yer planits. They say it has no atmusfeer. But boy, kin it put peeple under the infloonce. Speshully Virgins & Twins.

VEENIS, Godass of bewdy & the lumber regions. As a planit, not so much in heet as you'd think. More like smog. She gets a rise out of a lot of us, speshully yer Libbers & Toarasses.

MARSE, He's the God of violents, and wirld whores. Controls yer Airaces.

JOOPTER: Yer biggest planit and a bit of a gas. Rools over Saggytairass like a king.

SLATTERN: Close-up looks like a preggrunt frizzbee. Hangs over Crappycorns

YERANUS: God of preeversion and sexual D.V.Asian

NEPCHEWN: Exerts big pull on Yeranus and makes water and gas at will

PLUTOE: God of big bizness, and a dog of a start, it leans toward other planeits if unleashd. In charge of vulcanoes, erthquakes and ScoreP.o.s.

LUCKY JIMSTONES

Garnit, sapfife, amafist, onicks and moon-stoned. Also dymond (because the carats are good for you), & Emmrild (Lucky fer yer Toarass. Not so lucky fer them as has to give it to them).

This is not too desecrative of joolery but can be a powerful maggot fer to attrack the opposit of yer sex. Ware around yer neck in a jockular vane, and suck prospecks in under that holley-then yer set fer a big nite of roamants.

WHAT's Yer Sign?

Crappycorn Erthy tipes, with clove hoofs & horny too if yer simbol-minded. They was born to git other people's goats, and tend to but in and paw the turf till their nanny comes.

PISKEYS Yer Piskeys sine is a pair of fishies on a leesh, the one swimmin' one way and the th'other swimmin' the t'other -yer upper & yer down-streemer, showin' that there's some Piskeys don't know wich end is up. YER NEGGATIVS:weak, vaig, impracticke, unpunkchill

POSTIVE ASSPEXX: Humility, come-passion & simpathee

AIRACES Yer ram is rules by Marse, yer Wore God, and they butt in where the feel like. Some AIraces never grow up and become seenile delinkwents.
GOOD POINTS: Fulla beans & curridge, & sexy in a fast way
NOTSOGOOD POINTS: Pushy, rood, selfish. They'd trample anyone to git to the top, and on the way sell ther grammother for cab fare.

TOARASS is yer sine of yer Bull, stable and fixed. Yer Toarass sure likes ther roots. They is pritty much sticky-at-homes, like to rap therselves in ther secure-titty blanket. They sure groan a good board: They likes to live good, have nice things around them (like fresh straw in ther stalls). They is slow to git mad, but look out if they see red. They have good rithm, wich helps if you are Cathlick. A Toarass on his ram-page is hell on weels.

GOOD POINTS: Steddy, truss-worthy, infectionit, relye-a-bull.
BAD POINTS: Jellus, hates to be counter-dicted, stubbern, boring & possesiv.
LOOKS: Toarasses is sposed to be the best lookin', as long as you don't mind the tipe that walks slow, looks down at yer erth and chews ther cud a lot.
Lucky Number: Sex

Cansir Yer BirthDay Fortchune & Guide
by Charlie Farquharson

Yer astrological sine is CANSIR, Yer ruling planit is THE MOON

Cansir is one of yer more watery sines, and states the case fer yer Crabs. That don't mean Cansirs is all that Crabby...jist with-drawers into ther shells...beneath that shell is often a sensativ sole and sumtimes a weak karacter. But not weak in ther morls, jist sorta soft in the head. Reel worry worts, they make frownin' into a work a'fart. This is the time of year, yer Summer Stallstiss, wich is big on fertility and contraception.

POSTIVS: Simpathetic, pertectiv, & deevoted to yer home & harth.
NEGTIVS: Moony & Moody. They sit on ther grudge & hold it frever. Sumtimes, after drikin, they waller in self-piddy, till you wud think yer Cansir was more'n haff Piskey.

Cansirs is grate cooks, loves to spread ther bords. Cansir kids is eesly hurt inside) & they never forget a slite thing. Yer old Cansir kin tell yuh wat he had fer breckfist 30 yeer ago. Fer yer Cansir, life is pure shell.

Luck Stones: Moon's Tone, Perls (yer perls harber in oisters are best found in months with arse in em.)

Kareers: Cansirs shud git a stable job, and they cud clean up. They are good workers with big long mammarys and shud mebbe contrack out to Eye Bee Em as compewters.

LEEYO - yer ruling planit is THE SUN

They is always fulla beans and will drop them anywheres. All they ask isfer to have ther own way in everything, been as how they are born to rool. Leeyos don't take nothin' lying down, even tho bein' fixed and on fire at the same time must make them feel like a weeny at a roast. Life is a jungle, and yer Leeyo want the run of it.

GOODBITS: Curridge, ambishin, self-rely-ants, dignity, all yer lyin trates. Good orgy-nizers.
BAD BITS: Powr-mad, pompous, conseated, downrite insufferbull.

They is pashanit devvils and no mistake. Over-sexed well into senile-titty, they play cat with yer mouse long past other people's bedtimes. At the end, don't fergit, they expeck applaws.


VERTGOS - Yer ruling planit is MURKRY

VERTGO is a dizzy, femnin, erthy sine; the sine of yer fussed-budget, the one makes everybuddy else on edge by emptying all the ashtrays and pickin' the lint offa yer coller wile they talk. Funny thing, as they sit ther pickin' ther nits, they offen can't see the trees fer the term-mites. Hard workers tho, even when they try to relacks. Vertgo takes great stratusfaction is grabbin falyure oua the jaws of sucksess.
POSTIV UPPERS: Tydy, honist,modess (Hell, they got lots to be modess about)
NEGTIV DOWNERS: Worry worts, hype-a-cricketall, fussy and finky.

Bein under the sine of Chastititty kin be a problem is yer simbolminded. Vertgos is yer orignal Inhibitants. You talk about compleetly aloof, some of them is the compleetest loofs you ever saw. Vertgos is yer happy worriers and make great hippy-con-dryacks. They swally vitemin pills like they was Smartys, and are always on a die-yet (nothin' but food and black cawfy). Also fond of outbrakes of disinterdry and dire-rear.

KAREERS: They are good in the anal bizness... anal-izing.. anal-alysis...anal reports

LUCKY DAY: When Day (Sum day yer blooprince will cum)
TENDENCY: Brown-nosing yer Grindstone


LIBBERANS - Yer ruling planit is VEENIS

Libberer is another of yer Carnal sines, rooled (and fooled) by Veenis. Some Libberers is well-ballantsed, on accounta the simble is yer Scales. Libberans is always saying to sumbuddy else: "It's not rite, it's not fare!!" It's easy to git them to change ther minds because they wanta git on the good side of everbuddy. They was born with the sine "On Approoval" and will do anything to git it, even if it meens changin ther pinions more offen than ther undywares.

POSSITIVS: Charmin, eezy goin, sweet & refind. An esthetick tipe
NEGGITIVS: Flirty, frivluss, resentfull and pritty umbalanced

A lotts Libs is lushus lookers, Libberers don't like to be aloan, and rarely gits the chants.

Karreers: Libbers don't like to do the dirty work. They shud be fashin moodles, bewtitians, or inferior desecrators. Libberers avoid discords and make better dipple-mattresses then peeano tooners. With all that balance, gud bankers or even a cirkus jugular.

Lucky Number: Six (six appeals)
Hobby: Bein' pritty
Tendency: To git even

Aquahairyass.

The simble fer this sine is making waves, so you can expeck a lotta rebbles and excentricks. Also inverters. Aquahairyass is yer mothe of inventers, so fergit the old saying about incessity being yer mother'sinvention.
FISCAL FEECHERS: Reglar, almost hansom in a store-dummy sorta way.
STRENGTHS: Progressively friendly, interested in yer Brothers Hood of Man, but semmy-detached, conserned for youmanity in the abstrack. Tend to foller conventions.
WEAKNESSES: Fibb a lot, and like to be manipple-aters
LUCKY FLOWR: Yer pansy or yer daffydill
LUCKY CULLERS: Labendoor, other past-tell shades


JIMINIES

Now listen, both of you ...jit yer heads outa the sand & use that good old-fashioned grit. You've had yer whoopee fer a wile. Help from unexpected sorcers in September. This 2 headed munster is seen in the sky every nite as Casterer and Pole-axe, a pair of kids (the kind which git yer goat) that make up two of yer brightest stars in the hevvily constipation.

Jimminy is what they call yer Mute-able sine, always goin' thru the changes, fulla speed and livin' on ther nerves (and on other people's too). Jiminies got this intelleckyule net. They is awful good ar crothword puzzles, form langridges and sarcasticks. Better at wordplay than sordplay, they kin still run a few peeple thru the vowels.

GOOS ASSPECKS: Widdy, yuthfull, fulla beens and grate at partys. (But count yer silverware after. They'll eat yer cake and have yer plate too).
BAD ASSPECKS: Restless, jumpy, gossipy, hippycrits and genially untrussworthy

LOVE: Jiminy is yer cool cat...flirty but not dirty and sot after on accounta ther verse-agility.

SPORTS: Jiminies are best at teo-part sports like yer ping and yer pong. Who's better than Jiminy wen it comes to playing with yerself?

LUCKY JOOLS: Ag-its (Jiminies never lose ther marbles)

TENDENCYS: Splits pursnality. Jiminies tend to fork off in all directions.

KAREER: Since they are experts at cunning and frod, they make good 'ners.

Darwin Safety at Work Winners

10th Place

9th Place

8th Place

7th Place

6th Place

5th Place

4th Place

3rd Place

2nd Place

and finally, 1st Place

Honourable Mention

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb

 

Pure 90's

 

BREAKING NEWS

Saskatchewan agrees to send Gainer the Gopher to dig the stuck boat out of the Suez Canal. "We know well, the incredible digging abilities of prairie gophers. And Gainer has oodles of free time with the CFL shut down." #SuezCrisis #lendahand #sasklove

Can you crack the code? Hover over it

 

Sneeze on your sleeve, not in your hands

 We may think we're a sanitary, civilized bunch. So why are most of us still sneezing and coughing into our hands like Bubonic Plague-era boors? 

It's no laughing matter, says ear, nose and throat specialist Ben Lounsbury. 

In fact, the doctor says, bad sneezing, wheezing and hacking techniques not only spread cold and the flu germs like the plague -- they could lead to the downfall of many when the next pandemic strikes (and infectious disease experts say the world is due). 

So, a concerned Lounsbury created a how-to video, to teach the hygienically challenged among us a technique to keep our germs to ourselves. It's simple: cough into your sleeve, stupid. 

"It's extremely important (to learn) this year and probably in future years because at some time, a bad flu pandemic is coming," Lounsbury told CTV News from his home in Auburn, Maine. 

"People will be getting sick by the thousands -- probably millions -- and people will be dying by the hundreds of thousands from the flu, which is spread by airborne germs." 

To get people to actually listen to and act on his gloom-and-doom message, Lounsbury used heavy doses of humour in his ultra low-budget-but-slick instructional video, titled "Why Don't We Do It On Our Sleeves?" 

"Millions of disease-causing germs are launched into the atmosphere every time someone coughs or sneezes," an announcer on the video begins, as someone sneezes and an image of a nasty, germ-ridden spray shoots across the screen. 

Then follows a re-enaction of a way in which we can pass our cold and flu germs easily on to others: a man sneezes into his hands while talking on the phone; he puts the receiver down; a woman uses the phone; she sits down at her desk to eat, and a donut becomes the conduit between the germs and her mouth. 

To avoid this vicious cycle of germ spread, the best place to cough or sneeze, instructs the video, is into fabric. 

On phone receivers, doorknobs and other smooth surfaces, germs can survive for several hours and be easily picked up by other people, said Lounsbury. 

"So coughing into the sleeve puts the germs into the sleeve where they sit around, dry out and die -- and you don't touch door knobs and telephones with your sleeve." 

It's a simple concept, but one the doctor says can be a very difficult one to put into regular practice. 

"Coughing into one's hand is a behaviour that has been trained or taught to us by teachers and parents all our lives. It is very difficult to change. It has been ingrained by, in my case, 57 years of life," he told CTV News. 

"But it can be changed if we try hard."

*CTV.ca

Kinderen voor Kinderen song - Two Fathers

I LOVE this video!

Computer Error Messages - Old Style!

 

The Love Doctor

  Dear Love Doctor,

What is Love?

Signed,

In a Funk & Wagnalls

Dear Funked-Up,

LOVE is that deep and intense feeling that is, to the greatest extent possible, utterly and completely unlike the feeling you experience when picking up a tub of cottage cheese by the lid and realizing that it is way, way, way past the expiration date just as the bottom of the tub leaps free and deposits its multicoloured contents on your left foot.

The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

In Memoriam

 

Watch out for Florida State Troopers

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift  ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

Pea story

Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. Sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not zackley, but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."

"Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all, and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble, or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community, and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts, all very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Eachleft the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho "

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles....A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work. The fastest line at the grocery store. A good sing-along song on the radio. Your keys right where you left them.

R.I.P. Richard Gilliland (1950-2021)

Richard Gilliland was born January 23, 1950, in Fort Worth, Texas. After growing up in the Lone Star State, he studied at Chicago's Goodman School of Drama then eventually moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in film and television.

Gilliland, who was wed to actress Jean Smart for nearly 34 years, suffered from a "brief illness" prior to his death in Los Angeles, according to a press release shared with PEOPLE.

Mouse Story

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

*Thanks, Andy

When PhotoShoppers Get Bored (Or Creative!!!!)

*Thanks, Allen

The Fishing Trip

R.I.P. George Segal (1934-2021)

George Segal

Oscar-nominated actor George Segal has died, his rep confirmed to ABC News. He was 87.

Segal, known for playing Albert “Pops” Solomon on the ABC sitcom "The Goldbergs," died Tuesday.

His wife of 25 years, Sonia Segal, said in a statement, "The family is devastated to announce that this morning George Segal passed away due to complications from bypass surgery."

Can You See it?

There is a hidden picture inside the picture below. It can be seen in 3D without 3D glasses! Take a hard look and see if you can find 'Saturn'...

  If you see it it will appear in the centre about 4 inches IN FRONT of your monitor!*Magic Eye