If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist/comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34- I went to the sporting-goods store for a camouflage suit, but I couldn't find one.
....and the all time favorite-
35- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Sir Elton Hercules John, CBE* (born Reginald Kenneth Dwight on 25 March 1947) is an English pop/rock singer, composer and pianist. In a career spanning five decades, Elton John has sold over 250 million records and has over 50 Top 40 hits, making him one of the most successful musicians of all time.
extravagance: his ongoing struggle with drug abuse, depression and bulimia. He continues to be a major public figure, and has been heavily involved in the fight against AIDS since the late 1980s. He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994 and was knighted in 1998, and has remained an enduringly successful artist.
Reginald Kenneth Dwight was born in Pinner, Middlesex, a London suburb. His father, Stanley Dwight, was an officer in the Royal Air Force and was frequently away. When the elder Dwight was home, he was demanding, disapproving, and difficult to please, exuding a frightening countenance. Reggie's mother, the former Sheila Harris, was strict, but in contrast to her husband was Elton's true mentor, confidant, and confidence booster. Years later, she said that her son grew up "a bundle of nerves." Reggie's childhood was marred by terrible arguments between his parents. But something happened in 1950 that would set his life on an immutable course: At age three, he started playing the piano by ear.
Stone magazine interview. He married German recording engineer Renate Blauel on Valentine's Day, 1984, but they divorced four years later. John later renounced the bisexual claim and announced he was gay.
John founded the Elton John AIDS Foundation in 1992 as a charity to fund programmes for HIV/AIDS prevention, for the elimination of prejudice and discrimination against HIV/AIDS-affected individuals, and for providing services to people living with or at risk of contracting HIV/AIDS. This cause continues to be one of his personal passions. In early 2006, Elton donated the smaller of two bright-red Yamaha pianos from his Las Vegas show to auction on eBay to raise public awareness and funds for the foundation
