What Teachers Make

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher. Be honest. What do

you make?"

Having a reputation for honesty and frankness I replied, "You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence."

"You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them criticize.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them write.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English.

I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

I paused and continued. "You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

"Teachers make every other profession possible!"

Martha VS. Maxine

Click above

The Concert

 

Click above. Use your back button to return to 'OZ'

Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. 

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. 

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. 

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Nineteen inches." 

"Ninteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor. 

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

R.I.P. Howard Hesseman (1940 - 2022)

Howard Hesseman, best known for playing Johnny Fever, the radio DJ in the sitcom "WKRP in Cincinnati" has died at age 81. 

Hesseman died Saturday in Los Angeles due to complications from colon surgery, his manager Robbie Kass said Sunday.

Aww... Shitt!

 

Cancer News from Johns Hopkins

1. No plastic containers in microwave. 

2. No water bottles in freezer. 

3. No plastic wrap in microwave. 

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic. Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital, was on TV to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. 

He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. 

So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. 

The dioxin problem is one of the reasons. Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

The Wizard will have to take their word for it...

   

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 

8 . WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) 

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Magic Beer...I'll have one of those

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer" he says. 

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." 

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. 

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. 

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window....plummets 30 stories....breaks every bone in her body......and dies. 

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Pharmacology Lesson

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."

Pepsi will market the new concoction under the name of "MOUNT & DO."

ENJOY!

Austin Powers Pick Up Lines

 

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

IMPORTANT WARNING!!! PLEASE READ!!!

Winter is here and we are all stuck inside going stir-crazy, so BEWARE !!!!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please forward this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on frostbite and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this message yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

:)

Have you ever wondered just how your computer works???

 Well... It's finally explained here in one, easy to understand, illustration!

Click above

SMILZ

The other day I saw a 96-year-old lady knitting a sweater for her granddaughter.

"What kind of material are you using?" I asked.

"She said, "Virgin wool."

"Where do you get that," I asked.

"Ugly sheep," she smiled.



Two little old ladies are sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman next to him asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I used to live here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"For what did they put you in prison?"

He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."

"Oh," says the woman, and turning to the other woman proclaims: "Hurray! He's single !"



I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."



The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," she gulped.

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me..!"



Here is an old favorite:

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we possibly do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL:The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he tarted to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........

(And those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary's.....)

Jollies

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.**

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

                                 

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

**This is satire folks, not intended to demean women.

VERY cool commercial...

Read the info first, then watch the clip.

And you thought those people that set up roomfuls of dominos to knock over were amazing. There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it.

The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again.

The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence. In addition, it's two minutes long so every time Honda airs the film on British television, they're shelling out enough dough to keep any one of us in clover for a lifetime.

However, it is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in internet history. Honda executives figure the ad will soon pay for itself simply in "free viewings" (Honda isn't paying a dime to have you watch this commercial!).

When the ad was pitched to senior executives, they signed off on it immediately without any hesitation - including the costs.

There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film.

Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars.

The voiceover is Garrison Keillor. When the ad was shown to Honda executives, they liked it and commented on how amazing computer graphics have gotten.

They fell off their chairs when they found out it was for real. Oh, and about those funky windshield wipers. On the new Accords, the windshield wipers have water sensors and are designed to start doing their thing automatically as soon as they become wet.

Click here for the commercial.

A Rare Photo

 1911 - Niagara Falls almost completely frozen...

R.I.P. Peter Robbins (1956 - 2022)

Peter Robbins, the former child actor who first put a voice to Charles Schultz’s lovable "blockhead" Charlie Brown, including the 1965 Christmas Special, "A Charlie Brown Christmas",  has died by suicide, according to reports. 

He was 65 years old. 

Zero to 200....

A couple had been debating the  purchase of a new auto for weeks.  He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming  up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send you donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife."

Why dogs bite their owners - and can you blame them?

 

From The Emerald City

  

My Dear 'OZ'ians,

I have decided to post some questions that were asked about The Wizard or about 'OZ' over the last year or so, I hope you enjoy this and get answers to your unasked questions.

June H. writes: How long does it take to do your posting on 'OZ'?

The Wizard: It really doesn't take too long, I spend about an hour a week, posting for 7 days - approximately 21 posts per week.

William G. writes: Do you need to know how to code to write a blog?

The Wizard: While The Wizard does choose to edit blog posts using HTML, there is not really any reason why you should need to. Blogger uses a WYSIWYG (What you see is what you get) editor, so if you know how to use a word processor, you can write a blog. Easy peasy -- Oh so breezy!

Susan O. writes: How long have you been posting for 'OZ'?

The Wizard: I have been posting since 2004, over the years I've had to rewrite the template that I use, as well as go through and modify, ALL of my posts due to losing the accounts I had used to post pictures on 'OZ'. That in itself took about 6 months. I am currently using Blogger storage to host all images on on, (some are hosted by Host Papa (othersideoz.ca). I truly am worried that Google will cease with the unlimited free photo storage. Moving all my images to Host Papa would take me years to do. Note: I did lose some content (9,000 posts or so) in 2004 and 2005. I am working on restoring the archives...

Mitch writes: How much does it cost you to do 'OZ' and how much money do you make with 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow?

The Wizard: While the blog itself and all content is free as in it costs me nothing, I do pay for a domain (https://othersideoz.ca) for storage and file hosting etc, I spend about $600 a year to produce 'OZ'. As far as the amount of revenue, The Wizard makes NO MONEY publishing 'OZ'. It is a labour of love and I frankly enjoy doing it. The Wizard makes purchasing recommendations with links to were you can purchase items, there are absolutely no paid ads anywhere on 'OZ'. 

Xavier N. writes: Where do you get your content? I don't think I could find enough of it to do so many posts per day, every day!

The Wizard: I get my content from many places. Some is sent in by readers (using the "Contact The Wizard" applet , or clicking the "Contribute" image both on the left had side of 'OZ'.) Some content (less over the years) I get emailed directly to me. (There is the email the Wizard using the "Contribute" image link on the blog)

Linda M. writes: How do you find time to post every day at 10am, noon and 2pm?

The Wizard: A little secret here... I post about every week or so. I create posts in advance so that they are published every day at those times. I schedule posts in advance in case unforeseen circumstances that I cannot post on a day for some reason.  This post was created January 2nd and will publish Jan 25th). So I stay about 1 month ahead of the actual posting day. Note that I make special posts as the happen, for Celebrity Deaths, or really important news stories. These I post 'live'. 

So I hope this answers any questions you may have about 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow. If you have any more questions, email me, make a comment or click on the "Contribute" image.

The Wizard

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

My wife just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.  



My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome.

"Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "If you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."



A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He is pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

Police officer: Sir, I pulled you over because I have been following you for a while and you went through a stop sign without stopping, went through a red light AND you didn’t yield for the pedestrians on a crosswalk. So let me ask you, did you see the red light?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police Officer: Did you see the stop sign?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: Did you see the pedestrians?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: SO WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP???

Driver: Because… I didn’t see YOU.

What is the opposite of stand up comedy?

A Sitcom.

 

Upon returning rather late from an annual physical my wife was wondering how it went. I replied, ”Very routine. He asked if I am continuing to exercise regularly. I replied, ‘yes.’ And am I watching my diet and eating healthy foods to which I replied, ‘of course.’ And are you limiting your alcohol consumption to 1-2 drinks per week I responded ‘absolutely.‘"

My wife then asked, “Then why are you so late?”

“I had to stop at church and go to confession.”

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor."

"You mean right next to the baritones?" I asked.

"No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir." 

I got a phone call when I was in the pub,

"If you don't get home in ten minutes I'm giving the dog your dinner!"

So I went home.

I love that dog.  

A lady went to the salon to get a new hair style. While getting her hair done, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the waiting area.

She turns to the man and begins flirting with him. The man replies, “I’m married.”

The woman continues to flirt, “Just tell her you’re going to visit a friend in the hospital.”

The man replies, “Tell her yourself. She’s the one doing your hair.”