Does Your Day Ever Feel Like This?

Click here.

The Paper-less ToiletHave a lick. Save a Tree!

Jumper

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't click below.

It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real.

Click here.

Redneck Love Poem

Susie lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell you' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy.

The New Noah's Ark

In the year 2011, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"

Quiz Me!

At the end of this, you are asked a question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is kind of spooky!

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised. Handle each calculation separately...

How much is . .
15 + 6
3 + 56
89 + 2
12 + 53
75 + 2
25 + 52
63 + 32
I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
Come on, one more..
123 + 5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOUR, then Click here!

A LIFE THAT MATTERS

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built. What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you. What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident. It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice. Choose to live a life that matters.

Rectum Good

WHEN SHE WAS DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD YESTERDAY (5 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT), A WOMAN PASSED OVER A BRIDGE ONLY TO FIND A COP WITH A RADAR GUN ON THE OTHER SIDE, LYING IN WAIT. THE COP PULLED HER OVER, WALKED UP TO THE CAR, AND, WITH THAT CLASSIC PATRONIZING SMIRK WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE, ASKED, "WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?"

SHE REPLIED, "I'M LATE FOR WORK."

"OH YEAH," SAID THE COP, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"I'M A RECTUM STRETCHER," SHE RESPONDED.

THE COP STAMMERED, "A WHAT? A RECTUM STRETCHER? AND JUST WHAT DOES A RECTUM STRETCHER DO?"

"WELL," SHE SAID, "I START BY INSERTING ONE FINGER, THEN WORK MY WAY UP TO TWO FINGERS, THEN THREE, THEN FOUR. THEN WITH MY WHOLE HAND IN, I WORK FROM SIDE TO SIDE UNTIL I CAN GET BOTH HANDS IN, AND THEN I SLOWLY, BUT SURELY, STRETCH, UNTIL IT'S ABOUT 6 FEET WIDE."

"AND JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH A 6 FOOT ASSHOLE?" HE ASKED.

"YOU GIVE HIM A RADAR GUN AND PARK HIM BEHIND A BRIDGE....."

TRAFFIC TICKET: $95.00
COURT COSTS: $45.00
THE LOOK ON THE COP'S FACE: PRICELESS

What if trees ruled the world?

What if trees ruled the world? Click here to find out what will happen!

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

Card 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) -I've changed my mind.

Card 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life....
(Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Card 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) -That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Card 4. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

Card 5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

Card 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

Card 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) -Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

Card 8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

Card 9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) -It's almost like you're still here.

Card 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?

Card 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) -I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Card 12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

Card 13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) -What was I thinking?

Snappy Answer!

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby," he says, "I'd really like t'get into those pant o'yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an asshole in there."

Just Checking....

... to see if you are at your computer. Yes you are!

How Many People Have YOU Been Exposed To?

The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:

Explanation of Chart

For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!

Can You Figure It Out?

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own... The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?



Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...

Photocopier Problem

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.



Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

Sad Story...

I lived on a farm when I was a child. Times were hard back then, and the area where I lived was economically depressed.

I knew that the neighbours were having a hard time making ends meet.

One day, I heard a knock at the door, and when I went to answer, this is the sad sight that I saw.

It just broke my heart.

A PENGUIN IN ARIZONA

A penguin was driving through Arizona on a hot, summer Sunday when he noticed his oil light was on.

He got out of the car and, sure enough, it was leaking oil all over the road.

The penguin drove around the corner to a service station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic said he had a few others to look at first but if he came back in an hour, he could tell the penguin what was wrong with the car.

The penguin agreed and went for a walk.

He found an ice cream shop and thought a big bowl of ice cream would really hit the spot, since he was a penguin and it was Arizona in the summer after all.

He sat down at the counter and started in on the ice cream.

Of course, he had no hands so it was rather messy.

By the time he was done, he had ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth was a total mess.

He walked back to the service station and said to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replied, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no", said the penguin, "It's just ice cream."

Mama and her Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house "

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway"

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.",/p>

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM ..............

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cell phone,balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: REGINA, but driving in TORONTO

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned totaly to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER (AB)

10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40km/hr on Hwy1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA


AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL:

12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mittscraper in hand out front window scrapng frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment melling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish learing intersection: SASKATOON (Or WINNIPEG)


THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE. -

Say What?

21 Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Redneck Love Poem

Susie lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell you' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to pappy.

GIGGLES, SNORTS, AND GUFFAWS

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . .
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

I Am Gay

This is an open letter to my Father, my Mother, my Brother, my Sister, my Aunt, my Uncle, my Grandmother, my Grandfather, my Cousin and my friend.


I am writing to You today with a heavy heart. I do not how to say this, so I
guess I will just blurt it out.

I AM GAY.

I am afraid to tell You who I am.

I could be any of the following:
I am the daughter You gave birth to, I am the one You nursed.
I am the son You taught how to play baseball, I am the one You took fishing.
I am the Granddaughter You baked cookies for, I am the one You taught to sew.
I am the Grandson You saved Your card collection for, I am the one who holds Your hand on a walk.
I am the Mother You hug every night, I am the one who needs Your love.
I am the Father who worries a lot; I am the one who needs Your acceptance.
I am the sister You talk about Your fears to, I am the one who is hoping You
are listening.
I am the brother You wrestle with, I am the one who hopes You will protect me.
I am the cousin You played hide and seek with, I am the one who is afraid, and is hiding.
I am Your friend.

Please accept me for what I am, and that is a person - who happens to be Gay.

World's Easiest Quiz

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?


All done? To check your answers click here.

Are You a Professional?

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!




1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?




















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



















Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" Wrong answer.



Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend....except one...Which animal does not attend?




















Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.



You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


















Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

BIC Pens The Kryptonite For 'Krypton' Locks...

(SAN FRANCISCO) Mission District cyclist blew whistle on flawed lock. The triumph last week of the Bic pen over expensive, state-of-the-art steel locks has panicked the bicycling community, and churned Internet rumor mills about how much the lock manufacturer knew and when the company knew it.

Bike shops across the country have pulled the mostly U-shaped circular-key locks from the shelves. Clerks in San Francisco shrug when customers ask how to secure their wheels. The San Francisco Bicycle Coalition has declared a crisis. And the lock manufacturer that is receiving all of the attention -- Kryptonite of Canton, Mass., which until Friday was the industry standard for security -- is planning a widespread recall of almost every lock it makes.

It all started in San Francisco, at Dolores Park, last Sunday night.

That's where 25-year-old Chris Brennan complained to his friend that the custom-made wheels on his 2004 Bianchi bicycle were stolen just a week after he put them on the frame. Brennan's friend asked, in passing, if he knew that Kryptonite locks could be opened with a Bic pen.

Yeah, right, Brennan said.

But when he got home, he gave it a try. He pulled the back off a black ink pen, shoved the white tube over the round keyhole in the lock and twisted.

"The first time I did it, it was like I had stuck in a key and opened it," said Brennan, whose Mission District apartment resembles a hipster movie set -- full of vinyl records, comic books, a bank of computer monitors and an aging futon. "One half of a twist, and it opened right up."

He immediately posted a warning on an Internet billboard popular with bicycling enthusiasts. "Your brand new U-lock is not safe!" it said.

The recalled lock models include: the Evolution lock, KryptoLok lock, New York Chain, New York Noose, Evolution Disc Lock, KryptoDisco and DFS Disc Lock.

Twisted Jokes - Little Johnny

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*ckin' beautiful!'"



The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."



In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."



A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."



"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

She then goes around the room asking each child.

Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."

Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."

Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

Metrosexual

You might be "metrosexual" if:

1. You just can't walk past a Banana Republic store without making a purchase.

2. You own 20 pairs of shoes, half a dozen pairs of sunglasses, just as many watches and you carry a man-purse.

3. You see a stylist instead of a barber, because barbers don't do highlights.

4. You can make her lamb shanks and risotto for dinner and Eggs Benedict for breakfast... all from scratch.

5. You only wear Calvin Klein boxer-briefs.

6. You shave more than just your face. You also exfoliate and moisturize.

7. You would never, ever own a pickup truck.

8. You can't imagine a day without hair styling products.

9. You'd rather drink wine than beer... but you'll find out what estate and vintage first.

10. Despite being flattered (even proud) that gay guys hit on you, you still find the thought of actually getting intimate with another man truly repulsive.

"Some people think he's gay, but he's actually metrosexual."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER . . . .

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE. . . .

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN . . . .

1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK . . . . .

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Home remedies that REALLY work

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. Never pass up an opportunity to potty.

12. If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!

And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

How many group members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

get the point? heehee

Way Back in the Day:

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:

And Now We Go Back In Time

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood under-neath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs, etc) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt!! Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor".

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way.

Hence the saying a "thresh hold".

Getting quite an education, aren't you?

In the old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon".

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and"chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes. So for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbiber out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake".

England is old and small and the local folk started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and re-use the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tied to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!!

Divorce, Polish style

A Polish guy married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him- "very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLISH GUY: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLISH GUY: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLISH GUY: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLISH GUY: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLISH GUY: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?

POLISH GUY: No, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?

POLISH GUY: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLISH GUY: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLISH GUY: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."

Hey Buddy... I wanna help ya!

Money

It can buy a house

But not a home

It can buy a clock

But not time

It can buy you a position

But not respect

It can buy you a bed

But not sleep

It can buy you a book

But not knowledge

It can buy you medicine

But not health

It can't buy you blood

Or life

So you see money isn't everything

And it often causes pain and suffering

I tell you this because I am your friend

And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So....

Send me all your money

And I will suffer for you!

Cash only please

Queries...

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right ,so why don't we say, "That hurt?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife (husband) told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Canadians is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you...

AA Meeting

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing!!

(True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting)