English - I Love You
French - Je T'aime
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Nin
Saskatchewan - Nice ass, get in the truck
French - Je T'aime
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Nin
Saskatchewan - Nice ass, get in the truck
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
THANKS, TELEVISION!
One summer day in 2010, a five-year-old boy named Andrew was playing at a New Jersey lake when he wandered into deeper water and began struggling. His mother tried to help, but lost her footing on the slippery rocks and started panicking. Then Andrew disappeared beneath the surface. Suddenly, a neighbor, 8-year-old Reese, ran to the water’s edge and dove in. A few long seconds later, Reese surfaced, holding Andrew around his shoulders, and pulled him safely to shore. The save was textbook lifeguarding … a skill Reese had learned from a SpongeBob SquarePants episode in which SpongeBob becomes a lifeguard.
According to a poll in Bird Talk magazine, parrots’ favorite TV show is SpongeBob SquarePants.
According to a poll in Bird Talk magazine, parrots’ favorite TV show is SpongeBob SquarePants.
tags: trivia
INNER CALM/ A GOOD YOGA POSE
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
hen You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Look Up Your Birthday And See What You Are...
January 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion
February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther
March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat
April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle
May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion
June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat
July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat
August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle
September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog
October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther
November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat
December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove
If you are a....
DOG
A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being quality-personified. Share This If It's True For You!!
MOUSE
Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's. However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then! Share This If It's True For You!!
LION
Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. Popular and easy-going. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. People love the way you always treat them. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Share This If It's True For You!!
CAT
An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends. Share This If It's True For You!!
TURTLE
You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people. You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You are generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys. Share This If It's True For You!!
DOVE
You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected. In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love.... Share This If It's True For You!!
PANTHER
You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk. You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you. Share This If It's True For You!!
MONKEY
Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!! Share This If It's True For You!!
** So what's yours? Mind sharing it?
Monday, April 29, 2013
If I Could Give You Anything
If I Could Give You Anything
If could give you anything, anything at all,
I would give you all the things the poets write about – deep blue skies, pure white clouds, warm sunshine, cool breezes, stunning sunsets, glorious rainbows, and grand waterfalls.
I would give you something to smile about every day.
I would surround you with true friends to share your joys, comfort you through tough times, and bring out the best in you.
I would give you great teachers to fill your mind with wondrous facts, unanswered questions, and a love for learning.
I would give you the wisdom to know your heart and the courage to follow it.
I would fill your days with carefree play and meaningful work.
I would give you challenges worthy of your talents, and achievements worthy of your pride.
I would fill your heart with gratitude and teach it to forgive.
I would give you genuine self-confidence, fearless enthusiasm, and grand expectations.
I would give you a life filled with hugs, laughter, love, and the wisdom to be happy.
And when you’re ready, I would give you a man worthy to be your lifelong partner and the father of your children.
And I would give you a daughter as good as you.
Sadly, I don’t have the power to give you all these things.
But I can remind you that you have the power within you to find, make, and keep all the things I wish for you.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
If could give you anything, anything at all,
I would give you all the things the poets write about – deep blue skies, pure white clouds, warm sunshine, cool breezes, stunning sunsets, glorious rainbows, and grand waterfalls.
I would give you something to smile about every day.
I would surround you with true friends to share your joys, comfort you through tough times, and bring out the best in you.
I would give you great teachers to fill your mind with wondrous facts, unanswered questions, and a love for learning.
I would give you the wisdom to know your heart and the courage to follow it.
I would fill your days with carefree play and meaningful work.
I would give you challenges worthy of your talents, and achievements worthy of your pride.
I would fill your heart with gratitude and teach it to forgive.
I would give you genuine self-confidence, fearless enthusiasm, and grand expectations.
I would give you a life filled with hugs, laughter, love, and the wisdom to be happy.
And when you’re ready, I would give you a man worthy to be your lifelong partner and the father of your children.
And I would give you a daughter as good as you.
Sadly, I don’t have the power to give you all these things.
But I can remind you that you have the power within you to find, make, and keep all the things I wish for you.
This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.
*Character Counts
posted on ubuntu Linux
Health Report
MEDICAL TEST
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS. . .
Then Scroll Down
NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ....
Scroll Down
Your CAT SCAN
And LAB TESTS
Are now complete
- couldn't resist...
Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Speaking of penises...
By Mike Zimmerman
1. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
2. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li'l guy.
3. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
4. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.
5. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.
6. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.
7. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large penis." Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.
8. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we'll shut up now.
9. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.
10. Are you a grower or a shower: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.
11. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?
12. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the penis's coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.
13. The penis that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 -- that's about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It's good to be king.
14. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm -- and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.
15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.
Research by the editors of Men's Health Germany
1. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
2. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li'l guy.
3. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
4. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.
5. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.
6. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.
7. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large penis." Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.
8. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we'll shut up now.
9. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.
10. Are you a grower or a shower: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.
11. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?
12. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the penis's coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.
13. The penis that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 -- that's about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It's good to be king.
14. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm -- and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.
15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.
Research by the editors of Men's Health Germany
*wanderings.net
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Toon Town's Pagan Summer Fest.
Fest is coming up fast!!!
June 21 - 23 2013
Hosted just outside of Saskatoon Saskatchewan.
Just celebrated our tenth year anniversary in 2012.
Hosted just outside of Saskatoon Saskatchewan.
Just celebrated our tenth year anniversary in 2012.
 |
| Toon Town's Pagan Summer Fest. |
A three day camp out event to celebrate midsummer:
Meals, circle dances, guest speakers, drummings, chants, crafts, campfires, games, story sharing, and more:
ALL inclusive.
Plus Merchant's Row!!
Meals, circle dances, guest speakers, drummings, chants, crafts, campfires, games, story sharing, and more:
ALL inclusive.
Plus Merchant's Row!!
Visit the site for more fees and more information!
(Tell them The Wizard sent ya!)
The Physics of Fred Flintstone’s Flaming Feet
By Kyle Hill
I hope that the father of the “modern Stone Age family” has thick skin, or else he is going to lose his legs.
Let’s put aside the fact that Fred Flintstone basically runs to work and therefore doesn’t really need his wheels (or that he would need the quads of a god to get them moving). What is much more interesting is the way he stops his caveman car. With heels screeching and smoking, Fred famously uses his own feet to stop his forward momentum. Much like how your car’s brake pads work, Fred’s feet absorb all the frictional forces until the stones stop rolling.
But just how much force would his feet need to apply, and what would happen to them?
Friday, April 26, 2013
He stopped loving her today....
Top 10 Best George Jones Quotes
#10
I sing from my heart, I love country music and I love the people that respond to it. You never see yourself as others do but I've always beeen proud to be part of country music and I hope that the format is proud of me.
--GEORGE JONES
#9
Country fans need to support country music by buying albums and concert tickets for traditional artists or the music will just fade away. And that would be really sad.
--GEORGE JONES
#8
I passed on "All My Exes Live in Texas," which I really regret. I also passed on "Too Cold At Home," "Oh, Lonesome Me" and "Life Turned Her That Way." My excuse on those songs was because a jukebox was playing in the background and it distracted my attention. Truthfully, you end up passing on songs that do turn out to be hits but maybe they weren't really right for you so you can't second guess yourself. I've heard songs that are on several people's albums at the same time and one person's version might be a smash and the other person's version is just so-so. You never know how it will turn out.
--GEORGE JONES
#7
Maybe some folks are alcoholics and others are just voluntary drunks.... Maybe some have drinking problems, while others have problems enough to drink.
--GEORGE JONES
#6
Once, when I had been drunk for several days, Shirley decided she would make it physically impossible for me to buy liquor. I lived about eight miles from Beaumont and the nearest liquor store. She knew I wouldn't walk that far to get booze, so she hid the keys to every car we owned and left. But she forgot about the lawn mower. I can vaguely remember my anger at not being able to find keys to anything that moved and looking longingly out a window at a light that shone over our property. There, gleaming in the glow, was that ten-horsepower rotary engine under a seat. A key glistening in the ignition. I imagine the top speed for that old mower was five miles per hour. It might have taken an hour and a half or more for me to get to the liquor store, but get there I did.
--GEORGE JONES
#5
Just because I ask a friend about her
Just because I spoke her name somewhere
Just because I rang her number by mistake today
She thinks I still care
--GEORGE JONES
#4
Be real about what you do. Stay true to the voice inside you. Don't let the "business" change what it is you love because the people, the fans, respond to what is heartfelt. They can always tell when a singer is faking it.
--GEORGE JONES
#3
Me and the bottle have always been friends, we've had a few old nasty fights but the bottle would always win, so when I go to answer that final curtain call, I can hear these words being whispered by all... Ol' George stopped drinking today.
--GEORGE JONES
#2
I've had good luck, and bad luck
And no luck, it's true
But I always get lucky with you
--GEORGE JONES
#1
There are questions I'm still not wise enough to answer, just wise enough to no longer ask.
--GEORGE JONES
Country music lost a good one today. Rest in peace, George Jones.
#10
I sing from my heart, I love country music and I love the people that respond to it. You never see yourself as others do but I've always beeen proud to be part of country music and I hope that the format is proud of me.
--GEORGE JONES
#9
Country fans need to support country music by buying albums and concert tickets for traditional artists or the music will just fade away. And that would be really sad.
--GEORGE JONES
#8
I passed on "All My Exes Live in Texas," which I really regret. I also passed on "Too Cold At Home," "Oh, Lonesome Me" and "Life Turned Her That Way." My excuse on those songs was because a jukebox was playing in the background and it distracted my attention. Truthfully, you end up passing on songs that do turn out to be hits but maybe they weren't really right for you so you can't second guess yourself. I've heard songs that are on several people's albums at the same time and one person's version might be a smash and the other person's version is just so-so. You never know how it will turn out.
--GEORGE JONES
#7
Maybe some folks are alcoholics and others are just voluntary drunks.... Maybe some have drinking problems, while others have problems enough to drink.
--GEORGE JONES
#6
Once, when I had been drunk for several days, Shirley decided she would make it physically impossible for me to buy liquor. I lived about eight miles from Beaumont and the nearest liquor store. She knew I wouldn't walk that far to get booze, so she hid the keys to every car we owned and left. But she forgot about the lawn mower. I can vaguely remember my anger at not being able to find keys to anything that moved and looking longingly out a window at a light that shone over our property. There, gleaming in the glow, was that ten-horsepower rotary engine under a seat. A key glistening in the ignition. I imagine the top speed for that old mower was five miles per hour. It might have taken an hour and a half or more for me to get to the liquor store, but get there I did.
--GEORGE JONES
#5
Just because I ask a friend about her
Just because I spoke her name somewhere
Just because I rang her number by mistake today
She thinks I still care
--GEORGE JONES
#4
Be real about what you do. Stay true to the voice inside you. Don't let the "business" change what it is you love because the people, the fans, respond to what is heartfelt. They can always tell when a singer is faking it.
--GEORGE JONES
#3
Me and the bottle have always been friends, we've had a few old nasty fights but the bottle would always win, so when I go to answer that final curtain call, I can hear these words being whispered by all... Ol' George stopped drinking today.
--GEORGE JONES
#2
I've had good luck, and bad luck
And no luck, it's true
But I always get lucky with you
--GEORGE JONES
#1
There are questions I'm still not wise enough to answer, just wise enough to no longer ask.
--GEORGE JONES
Country music lost a good one today. Rest in peace, George Jones.
 |
| RIP George Jones |
The Horth Whithperer
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a little person with a speech impediment."
So, the little person shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the little person and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the little person's head as far as he can up the horse's requested part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The little person gets up, wiping his eyes, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that --- Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
"That's easy, he's a little person with a speech impediment."
So, the little person shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the little person and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the little person's head as far as he can up the horse's requested part, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The little person gets up, wiping his eyes, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that --- Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Who Said This?
a man must be one.
That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world.
That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.
In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right.
That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.
That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.
That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number.
That sooner or later...
somewhere...somehow...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.
That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.
In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."
Click here to find out who said this.
Want to get rid of telemarketers? Here’s a list of ways to do that!
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOD!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Can YOU figure this out?
It took The Wizard about a minute, feel free to put your answer in the comments...
Thursday, April 25, 2013
50 Amazing Facts About Earth
Do you know how much material falls onto Earth from space every day? How many different species there are in the ocean? How far the continents move every year? In honor of Earth Day here’s a very cool infographic that answers those questions about our planet — and 47 more!
Check out the site.
*Thanks, Gary
Do you know more about science than the average American?
Feeling science-savvy? Take Pew Research Center’s 13 question Science and Technology Knowledge Quiz and see where you stand against a representative sampling of Americans.
 |
| This is The Wizard's score. (11/ out of 13) Click on it to take it yourself |
Yes, that's a 14-year-old burger in my pocket...
 |
| Click above to visit the site and watch the video |
Have you ever cleaned out your refrigerator or pantry and found a really old piece of food?
You know what I’m talking about - Oreo cookies that have gone from black and white to all green, slices of mold-dripping bread, milk that smells like it was bottled at the sulfur mine.
Usually, we have a knack for knowing when to toss away food that’s about to go bad. But sometimes, we completely forget about it until we encounter quite a surprise.
That’s what happened to David Whipple, a Utah native who discovered an old hamburger in his coat pocket. How old was that burger? Let’s just say it was cooked when Bill Clinton was president.
Watch the video above to hear about the ancient burger and the surprising condition it was in.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
How to Tell If a Person Is a Witch
Bedevere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]
Bedevere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant: Well, I got better.
*eHow.com
Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]
Bedevere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant: Well, I got better.
By David Boston, eHow Editor
Most witches that we will come into contact with these days are Wiccans, people who practice Wicca. Wicca is a religion just like the more common religions that we may be aware of. Trying to tell if someone is a witch or not is a lot like trying to tell if a person is a Christian, Muslim, Hindu or Jew. Depending on how you go about it, determining someone else's religious affiliation can be either very hard or very easy.
Instructions
If You Are on Speaking Terms With the Person
Step 1 Ask outright. If you are too embarrassed to ask her, then you can talk to her casually about some of the following beliefs commonly held by witches and see if she matches the description. Be aware that even if this person isn't a witch, she may think that you are after two or three of these questions.
Step 2 Ask the person if he believes in magic. People who are not witches may very well believe in magic also, and this may seem like a stereotypical witch characteristic, but many witches believe that elements can be manipulated through rituals.
Step 3 Ask the person about her views on justice. If she believes that harm should be brought to those who have harmed others, then she is less likely to be a witch. The Wiccan Rede, in regard to morality, basically states that witches are free to do what they will as long as it doesn't harm anyone.
Step 4 Ask if the person ever feels a tie to nature or the outdoors. If he says that he does feel a connection to nature and the elements, then this is a characteristic that fits well with Wiccan beliefs.
Step 5 Ask if the person believes that religious freedom is important. If the person says yes, then this fits very well with Wiccan beliefs. Not only were witches oppressed for years because of religious intolerance, but many witches tend to believe that religious freedom is so important that they don't even raise their children with Wiccan beliefs, preferring that they come to a conclusion themselves about which religion they would like to follow.
If You Are Not on Speaking Terms With the Person
Step 1 Look for things that witches generally do or say. However, this is by far the most unreliable way to tell, and just because someone shares one or all of these characteristics does not mean that they are a witch.
Step 2 Look to see if the person wears a pentacle around their neck. Much like the crucifix worn by Christians or the Star of David worn by Jews, the pentacle is a common symbol worn by witches. However, much like how people wearing a crucifix can sometimes shoot people, judging someone by their pentacle alone can be deceiving.
Step 3 Listen for the person saying "Blessed Be" as a greeting or farewell to close friends or relatives. This is a common expression of goodwill among witches.
Step 4 Keep an eye open to see if the person is overly enthusiastic about celebrating on Groundhog's Day (not for Groundhog's Day). In fact, that goes the same for any overly enthusiastic celebrating on the beginnings of all of the other seasons, the summer and winter solstices, and the autumn and spring equinoxes as well.
Step 5 Look for a copy of the "Book of Shadows" either with the person, or if you somehow get a chance to walk into the house of this person (party, book club, house meeting), in their book collection.
Most witches that we will come into contact with these days are Wiccans, people who practice Wicca. Wicca is a religion just like the more common religions that we may be aware of. Trying to tell if someone is a witch or not is a lot like trying to tell if a person is a Christian, Muslim, Hindu or Jew. Depending on how you go about it, determining someone else's religious affiliation can be either very hard or very easy.
Instructions
If You Are on Speaking Terms With the Person
Step 1 Ask outright. If you are too embarrassed to ask her, then you can talk to her casually about some of the following beliefs commonly held by witches and see if she matches the description. Be aware that even if this person isn't a witch, she may think that you are after two or three of these questions.
Step 2 Ask the person if he believes in magic. People who are not witches may very well believe in magic also, and this may seem like a stereotypical witch characteristic, but many witches believe that elements can be manipulated through rituals.
Step 3 Ask the person about her views on justice. If she believes that harm should be brought to those who have harmed others, then she is less likely to be a witch. The Wiccan Rede, in regard to morality, basically states that witches are free to do what they will as long as it doesn't harm anyone.
Step 4 Ask if the person ever feels a tie to nature or the outdoors. If he says that he does feel a connection to nature and the elements, then this is a characteristic that fits well with Wiccan beliefs.
Step 5 Ask if the person believes that religious freedom is important. If the person says yes, then this fits very well with Wiccan beliefs. Not only were witches oppressed for years because of religious intolerance, but many witches tend to believe that religious freedom is so important that they don't even raise their children with Wiccan beliefs, preferring that they come to a conclusion themselves about which religion they would like to follow.
If You Are Not on Speaking Terms With the Person
Step 1 Look for things that witches generally do or say. However, this is by far the most unreliable way to tell, and just because someone shares one or all of these characteristics does not mean that they are a witch.
Step 2 Look to see if the person wears a pentacle around their neck. Much like the crucifix worn by Christians or the Star of David worn by Jews, the pentacle is a common symbol worn by witches. However, much like how people wearing a crucifix can sometimes shoot people, judging someone by their pentacle alone can be deceiving.
Step 3 Listen for the person saying "Blessed Be" as a greeting or farewell to close friends or relatives. This is a common expression of goodwill among witches.
Step 4 Keep an eye open to see if the person is overly enthusiastic about celebrating on Groundhog's Day (not for Groundhog's Day). In fact, that goes the same for any overly enthusiastic celebrating on the beginnings of all of the other seasons, the summer and winter solstices, and the autumn and spring equinoxes as well.
Step 5 Look for a copy of the "Book of Shadows" either with the person, or if you somehow get a chance to walk into the house of this person (party, book club, house meeting), in their book collection.
*eHow.com
New Senior's Exam
QUESTIONS
You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange(of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)
Pass this on to your brilliant friends.
Would you have the nerve to do this?
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
About drinking water....
The following will probably amaze and startle you...
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true...)
Of course, too much water may have strange side effects (see picture below) ...
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
(No kidding, all of the above is true...)
Of course, too much water may have strange side effects (see picture below) ...
Non-living things have gender
You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
M*A*S*H ACTOR ALLAN ARBUS DIES AT 95
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| So long Sidney |
Allan Arbus, best known for his dozen appearances as the sarcastic psychiatrist Maj. Sidney Freedman on the '70s series M*A*S*H, died Friday at his Los Angeles home, his daughter, photographer Amy Arbus, told The New York Times. He was 95.
In addition to numerous roles on TV and in movies, from Matlock and Curb Your Enthusiasm (in 2000) to Cinderella Liberty and Damien: Omen II, the New York City native, during his military service in the army, had been a photographer – as was, notably, his wife, Diane Arbus.
In addition to numerous roles on TV and in movies, from Matlock and Curb Your Enthusiasm (in 2000) to Cinderella Liberty and Damien: Omen II, the New York City native, during his military service in the army, had been a photographer – as was, notably, his wife, Diane Arbus.
--More--
True Words
The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different ~ Hippocrates
I CHOOSE:
to make a difference when others won't
to live by choice not chance
to make changes not excuses
to be motivated not manipulated
to be useful not used
to excel not compete
I choose self-esteem not self-pity
I choose to listen to the inner voice
not the random opinion of others
The hygiene of wind
by Bruno Van de Casteele, Skeptoid
Hygiene in a hospital environment is very important. Medical staff with a cold are only allowed around critical patients with the necessary protection – or not at all. This is quite normal, as sneezing and coughing can spread diseases. So no wonder that a nurse working in an operating theatre asked a question in 2001 to Dr Karl on his radio show about the potential risk related to letting wind in a sterile environment.
--more--
*Thanks for the link, Gary
Monday, April 22, 2013
Gay Banter
100 Reasons To Be Gay...
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual orientation with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual orientation with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
Short Person (Used to be called midget)
There was a short person down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time. So he finally went to his doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The short person dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left one and told the short person to turn his head and cough--the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right one, he asked the short person to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right sid e then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The short person was so scared he was afraid to look, so he stared at the ceiling. But noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the short person to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The short person was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer in any pain.
The short person said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it ... What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The short person dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left one and told the short person to turn his head and cough--the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and putting his finger under the right one, he asked the short person to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right sid e then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. The short person was so scared he was afraid to look, so he stared at the ceiling. But noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the short person to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The short person was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his groin area was no longer in any pain.
The short person said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it ... What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Celebrity Profile - Randy Harrison
Randy Harrison on "Queer as Folk": Randy Harrison is best known as the young Justin on Showtime's previous series, Queer as Folk.
Randy Harrison on TV: Randy's television credits include:
* Justin Taylor on "Queer as Folk" (Showtime, 2000-2005)
* Sean in "Bang, Bang, You're Dead" (Showtime, 2002)
Randy Harrison on Stage: Randy has been acting since age seven. His theater credits include:
* "Equus" (2005)
* "Wicked" (2004)
* "A Cheever Evening"
* "The Real Inspector Hound"
* "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
* "West Side Story"
* "1776"
* "Violet"
* "Children of Eden"
* "Shopping and F*cking"
* "Hello Again"
Interview with Randy:
As the resident hot young thing on "Queer as Folk," openly gay Randy Harrison has more than his share of TV-watching admirers. Feeling his way through the confusing world of drugs and sex, struggling with less-than-understanding parents and desperately in love with the older Brian, Justin is a character young gay men everywhere can identify with.
Randy recently performed off-Broadway in "A Letter from Ethel Kennedy," about a gay man trying to reconcile with, and say goodbye to, his parents. (He played a straight waiter, which proves he really can act!) He also appeared in the Showtime original movie "Bang Bang, You're Dead," playing against type as a (straight) maladjusted high school student seeking revenge against his tormentors.
When did you first become aware of gay issues?
Conception
If you were to write /direct a same-sex love story, who would you visualize as the leads?
Emmanuel Lewis and Harvey Keitel
What's your current favorite CD, book, writer, movie?
Mick Harvey, "Pink Elephants" Dennis Cooper, "Pastoralia" "Baise-Moi"
How many degrees of separation are there between you and Kevin Bacon?
Zero. I saw him once on the Upper West Side.
Fill in the blank: I am the _____ of my generation.
BLANK
Fill in the blank: I always have ____ in my refrigerator.
Tonic water
Who inspires you the most?
My parents
Tell us something nobody knows about you.
No way!
Describe your ideal mate.
Embalmed
Who was your first celebrity crush?
The girl who played Oliver in the first play I was ever in ... hmmm. She had a cute bowl cut and looked dark and brooding with that ash smeared on her face.
Squelch or confirm (or start) a rumor about yourself.
OK, that is me in that video, but I was 7 and really drunk and wasn't sure what he was doing. I just wanted to touch the puppy.
The last movie I cried at/laughed out loud at was:
I cried during "The Crucible" on Broadway. I didn't cry during the movie version though, I think I fell asleep.
What's your biggest guilty pleasure?
Human companionship
Would you appear nude in a movie?
Never. I think that's really trashy.
Fill in the blank: In high school, I was ____.
Bored
What's your favorite getaway?
Xanax
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