Ask The Wizard

Send your questions to The Wizard by clicking on the "Contact The Wizard" Form on the right hand side of 'OZ'. The Wizard will try to answer all questions submitted promptly. The Wizard cannot guarantee a question will be posted on 'OZ', however, all questions submitted will be answered by return email. The Wizard, 'OZ', or their affiliates do not collect, save, sell , or publish email addresses for any reason.

Dear Wizard of OZ,

My girlfriend is a very jealous sort, and recently she has refused to be allow me in public with or without her. We only go to family gatherings. The only problem is that her sister is extremely attractive and has been giving me mixed signals. For example, last week we were at the shooting range (my girlfriend is a marksman who was recently released from prison) and my pistol jammed.

As my girlfriend tried to discover what was wrong, her sister came flying across the room, slapped her to the ground, and put the barrel of the gun in her mouth. She stared directly at me as she sucked the dented cartridge from the chamber, smiled demurely, and put the wasted shell in my pocket. Next week is the annual Family Naked Boar Wrestling Contest and my girlfriend's birthday.

What should I get her for a present?

Signed,

Wearing a Bullseye

Dear Mr. Concentric Circles,

Well, women always appreciate flowers. Some Band-Aids® might be nice, too, in case she gets a nick from a boar bristle or something.

Best,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My company just laid me off, and I have 2 weeks until I face unemployment. My car is this piece-of-shit 1978 Pacer, and I just got a date with this really hot guy that I met at the Bowl-A-Rama. Trouble is, he's a drag queen. What should I do with my last $350?

Signed,

Poor And Horny

Dear Anxious,

Is he cute?

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

What should I do?

Signed,

Wondering


Dear Wondering,

Shit or get off the pot.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

Should I squeeze my zits, or just leave them alone?

Signed,

Pock Marked


Dear Spotty,

It kind of depends.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ:

Everybody thinks I'm a real mean guy. I guess it's because I've got a crew-cut and a goatee, and look like if Henry Rollins never made it to the gym. But inside, I'm just a teddy bear, unless you expect me to actually pitch a softball over the plate, when I go ballistic. How can I let people know that I'm a sweetie?

Signed,

Just Another Maligned Individual

p.s. You know, in your picture, you look a lot like Tim's honorable sidekick in Home Improvement.


Dear Advice-seeker,

Do I, really? I don't watch much TV.

Yrs,

The Wizard



Dear Wizard of OZ,

My sister just married a junkie with AIDS, so my father bought a Thompson sub-machine gun on the black market, and went looking for him. The cops picked him up and sent him to jail, so my mother applied for welfare. My other two sisters went to work as streetwalkers in an effort to help support mom and me. As a result, we make too much money to be qualified for food stamps.

My mother finally got a job as a chicken plucker at the local KFC. But she had to quit after a week because she found out that she was allergic to eggs. Her boss said something about.."getting laid too often". Anyway..my problem is this: Should I wear a red dress or a black dress to go along with my blonde wig and purple lipstick to the high school dance next week? My friends say that it's just a little too much. I really value your opinion. So let me have it !

yours truly,

Ima Fella


Dear Fashion-plate,

In my experience, it's really hard to go wrong with black. Suitable for day or night, elegant and yet understated, black is the perfect choice for many events that require clothing. And it's slimming as well!

Best of Luck,

The Wizard

Things That Mildly Irritate Everyone Who Works In An Office

From BuzzFeed.com

1. Needlessly loud typing.

2. People who talk about their commute every single day even though nothing exciting has ever happened.

3. Earth-hating bellends who don’t respect the recycling bin rules.

4. Dirty teaspoons on the work surface.

5. When the coffee runs out and nobody replaces it so you just sit there falling asleep.

6. Passive-aggressive signs in the kitchen that everyone totally ignores.

7. When your colleagues actually tell you how they are when you were just being polite.

8. Being regarded as the photocopier technician because you sit near the photocopier.

9. Milk-stealing.

10. Food-stealing.

11. That tight bastard who keeps a secret stash of biscuits in their locked desk drawers.

12. Coffee breath.

13. That person who sighs loudly until you ask them what’s wrong.

14. Sniffing.

15. The twatting idiot who comes in when they’re ill and makes everyone else ill.

16. Being hungover but still having to come to the office.

17. When somebody else uses your favourite mug so you spend the day being really cold towards them and they have no idea why.

18. The person who bores you about their kids constantly.

19. Colleagues who brag about how early they get to the office, despite the fact that they’re swanning about making tea until everyone else gets there.

20. That person who laughs really loudly and then tries to make eye contact with you so you ask what they’re laughing at.

21. People who look at your screen when they stand behind you.

22. That one person who has screen protectors like they’re a spy and not a PA at a recruitment firm.

23. When someone younger than you is your boss.

24. Colleagues who reply all to emails.

25. People who forward you chain emails, which amazingly somehow still exist in 2015.

26. When you’re a young person so everyone older treats you as the IT person.

27. Passive-aggressive emails about the state of the kitchen.

28. People who put read receipts on their emails like they’re your actual mother.

29. “Let’s catch up face to face.”

30. “We’re all singing from the same hymn sheet.”

31. All ridiculous corporate jargon.

32. Meetings about meetings.

33. People who don’t put their phones on silent so the whole desk pings and vibrates whenever they get a WhatsApp notification.

34. That person who always paces up and down the office on the phone so you can hear how very important their phone conversation is.

35. Office air conditioning that is -5°C all year round so you have to wear a coat indoors in summer.

36. Colleagues who are rude to the receptionist.

37. Wannabe Michael Scotts who sit on your desk to talk to you.

38. That one person who asks you way-too-personal questions.

39. “Do you have a minute?” “Not really.” *continues talking anyway*

40. Not being able to leave work at precisely 6pm.

41. That person who always talks about their gym regime, as if anyone cares.

42. And the person who’s always on a new fad diet.

43. People talking to you when you’re eating at your desk.

44. Having to eat lunch at your desk.

45. Getting a salad for lunch because you’re being healthy, but then caving and eating four packets of crisps and three Kit Kats in the afternoon.

46. Not being sure if your headache is from too much coffee or not enough coffee.

47. So having another coffee and then feeling like you can hear colours.

48. When some asks “Going anywhere nice?” when you’re going on holiday, as if you’re going somewhere shit.

49. Lift small-talk.

50. Having to come up with a fun fact about yourself and going completely blank.

51. Being forced to go on team-building days and interact with your colleagues for a full day.

52. Enforced work drinks where everyone talks about work.

53. When people sing “Happy Birthday” to you and you don’t know where to look.

54. When somebody brings their baby in and you don’t know how to interact with babies.

55. Having to donate money for a birthday present for a colleague you hate.

56. Being peer-pressured to sponsor a colleague you hate to do a sporting event.

57. Unless it’s an event where they might fall off a cliff or something.

58. When your boss uses fancy words to make bad things sound good, e.g. streamlining.

59. Middle management with ideas above their station.

60. Being made to work when it’s sunny outside.

61. Being made to work on your birthday.

62. Being made to work ever.

Engineers Create Self-Operated Butt-Kicking Machine

Backside Booter Designed To Motivate - or maybe fulfill someone's desires of masochism?

The engineers at Leavitt and Associates in Idaho have developed an interesting new device designed to motivate employees. " It's called the World Famous Manually Self-Operated Butt-Kicking Machine," said creator J. Reese Leavitt. "It is for your butt-kicking enjoyment."

Leavitt says the Butt-Kicking Machine came out of a brainstorming meeting when he and his co-workers were talking about raising employee productivity. He says this was a fun invention to work on.

"Well, we don't always get to do projects as exciting and fun as this project," said Leavitt.

The engineers even came up with an operating manual that breaks down the backside booting. You just have to sit firmly on your fanny, fasten the seat belt and apply the appropriate pressure.

A size 9 Chuck Taylor will hit your hindquarters. "That, by the way, is the most expensive part of the machine," said Leavitt. "The shoe cost us about $40."

The total cost is $250, but becoming the butt of jokes or the posterior of pranks is priceless.

"We think we're simple-minded engineers," said Leavitt. "There's a simple solution for every problem and we always seek to find that simple solution."

Leavitt says he has researched a patent on the Butt-Kicking Machine and has found no matches.

Leavitt and his associates plan on renting out the machine for fundraisers.

The Modern Day Workplace

Bipolar Disorder - Things you NEED to understand...

The following is a post by a friend on facebook, I thought I'd share. At the bottom is a link to a story about me, The Wizard of 'OZ'. Please read both. Thank you.

There IS a difference in the brain with bipolar depression

Today felt like a monumentally bad day. The kind of bad day that makes me want to reach out to the world, cuff it upside the head, and tell everyone to smarten up.

It's wonderful that there is an increasing awareness about mental health. There are PSA's, news articles, and even mental health first aid courses. Barriers and preconceptions are being broken down... sort of. With treatment, people can live normal productive lives. What they don't tell you about is the reality of living with the diagnosis.

When people talk about bipolar disorder, they often only think of manic episodes. Someone running around, doing crazy things, talking to themselves, yelling, and even becoming violent. They don't realize that there is such a thing as type 2 bipolar. Type 2 includes extreme lows, and some people don't ever experience extreme mania. Well that seems simple enough. Let's just toss some antidepressants at it and you're good to go. But it's not that simple. Straight antidepressants for bipolar disorder isn't good, and you need mood stabilizers to to level you out.

Okay, so that helps, but what about the other issues that often coexist with bipolar disorder? Wait, you didn't know that other disorders can manifest along with bipolar? Yup, bipolar is just one big barrel of fun. There is anxiety, which can include social phobias, paralyzingly panic attacks, perfectionism, and even PTSD. Then we toss in a dash of OCD too. So let's throw a cocktail of meds at it. These two don't quite do it, so let's add on a third. Oh wait, the OCD isn't fully controlled, so let's add a fourth. Oh by the way, these meds have side affects. One of them causes significant acid reflux, which uncontrolled can cause 9 cavities in less than a year. (That is so much fun when you have PTSD as a result of being assaulted by a dentist.)The acid wear also turns your teeth yellow. Untreated, acid reflux can also cause esophageal ulcers, or even esophageal cancer. So toss more meds at the acid reflux, and there you go. Hang on, the acid reflux pills interfere with magnesium absorption. Cue dizzy spells and full body tremors, so tweak up the psych meds and add supplements. There's no reason to worry about it though, because the brain fog and poor memory will help you forget about it.

That's it for side affects, right? Everything is under control? Nope. All of these meds gives you the metabolism of a sloth, and also an insatiable appetite. Talk about a bad combo, and then bring on the weight. Except the doctors don't say that they cause weight gain any more, the meds are just weight positive (snort, guffaw). Oh wait, you've never heard of any one gaining 40lbs in a month? Yup, welcome to bipolar land.

Okay, so that has got to be everything now. Wrong! One of the scariest symptoms of bipolar is suicide. Even with treatment, some people still lose the battle. Other people are fortunate enough to find treatments that work, and are able to fight off suicide. That's a good thing! However now you face the long term effects of psych meds. People diagnosed with a bipolar disorder can see their life expectancy drop by about 15 years. There is due to increased risk of diabetes, heart disease, and liver disease. Say goodbye to you're thyroid and eventually your kidneys too. Oh... and kiss your knees farewell because of the weight gain, and brace for the titanium replacements.

So yes, bipolar disorder is treatable. But it comes with sacrificing the rest of your body. It's a decision that you have to remake every day as you choke down another handful of pills. It's hard. It's so damn hard! You fight to maintain your mental stability, and to be a productive member of society. The only problem is that when you are successful at mental health, people don't know about the sacrifice of your body. You are judged by your appearance and stamina. People giving sideways looks as you are left breathless after a flight of stairs. People staring at you in a restaurant or grocery store, judging you by your weight and comparing it to your choice of food. The barely disguised look of disgust when a stranger realizes that they have to sit beside you on an airplane. People also seem to assume that fat people aren't as bright as skinny people. My guess is that if they think someone is incapable of maintaining a healthy weight, they must not be able to make smart choices. It's incredibly frustrating to know that people are assuming you're too lazy to take care of your health, when in reality you are making the difficult choice to sacrifice it.

In a nutshell, don't judge someone by their outward appearance. You never know what kind of a battle they are fighting. Just let me buy my leeks and rutabaga in peace.

Find more information on "What is Bipolar Disorder" at the Alpha Healing Center

Now a comment from The Wizard. Click here to read my story.

Fido's Tale

In B.C, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told CSIS about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Fido Dido - The Mind Reader

Click here.

Save This One For A Bad Day....

One For The Birds

Before you click, remember to look at the 2 birds, study them closely and watch their habits. See if you can spot which of the two is female. It can be done. Even by someone with skills whatsoever in bird watching.
Disclaimer: What conclusions you draw are your own. Under NO circumstance am I implying which is which.

Now Click here.

The Pysanka

All PYSANKY are created the same way, the only thing that differs is the design on each egg. All designs are an accumulation of ancient symbols arranged in different patterns, and differing color schemes.

1 pysanka, 2 pysanky, 3 pysanky, four

The name PYSANKA comes from the Ukrainian word pysaty which means "to write" since the designs are written on the egg. The ending letter "a" or "y" refers to the number of decorated eggs. Pysanka means one egg, and pysanky is plural. Originally the eggs were kept full to keep the mystical powers intact. But in modern days of changing air pressure and shipping, some empty the eggs to ensure a safe delivery with no mess or smell. The designs are the most important for the well-wishing gifts. The pysanka on the left still has the yolk inside and rattles if you shake it. The other two were emptied.

You can enjoy your pysanky for an entire life time. Unless broken, the eggs will last forever.

* Thanks Vlad for the eggs! I have always wanted some of them! =)

50 Things to do in a Public Restroom

1.Comment "Pooh, who did that?"

2.Complement people on their shoes.

3.Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.

4.Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.

5.Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.....

6.Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.

7.Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"

8.Simulate a drug deal.

9.Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

10.Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.

11.Start a sing-a-long.

12.Act schizophrenically.

13.Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....

14.Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.

15.Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"

16.Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."

17.Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.

18.Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.

19.Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl and under the walls and door into other stalls.

20.Rub chocolate on your hands, reach under the door and say, "Hey buddy. Got any toilet paper? (Stolen from Howie Mandel.)

21.At night, switch off the lights.

22.Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"

23.Collect a door charge.

24.Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"

25.Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.

26.Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.

27.Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

28.Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.

29.Offer refreshments.

30.Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.

31.Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"

32.Charge admission.

33.Electrify metal urinals.

34.Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

35.One word: GOLDFISH.

36.Make a jelly in the bowl.

37.Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.

38.Remove stall doors.

39.Glue seat and cover down to bowl.

40.Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.

41.Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.

42.Put itching powder on the toilet seats.

43.Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.

44.Replace soap in dispenser with custard.

45.Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels if available.

46.Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.

47.Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).

48.In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice young players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)

49.Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.

OK, So Only 49!

The Official WORLD'S GREATEST TROLL. The BEST Ever!!! PERIOD. ™

Not sure if you can still get in on this. I wanted something to remember the nuclear war, and I think this does it. I blotted out his teensy weenie, LOL

Visit Kickstarter

What's In A Name? (An oldie but a goodie =)

The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence!

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N.Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS ......................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

TROY - Older but a great flick

Click above to read more...

Tax Return not done yet?

Since you'll never make the deadline now, just use the new quick file option:

From Vulcan AB

They used to have this masthead on their newspaper...

Click here to read

The Peepee List

Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.