Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

Restaurant Server: Would you like a table near the window, or near the salad bar, or near the dance floor?

Man: It doesn't matter... as long as it's near a waiter!

Teacher: "Robotics leader Dr. Finkle Goomba claims working robots will be ready for household use within a year though. He also added, 'They won’t be up to true human capability by that time.'"

Little Johnny: "It won’t work until they get to full capability. There is no way my dad would ever pay for a teenager."  



I finally quit drinking for good...

Now I'm just gonna drink for evil.



Moe: I think I will make the High School Basketball team.

Joe: Why do you think that?

Moe: My coach said I have a good basketball IQ.

Joe: I think you misunderstood your coach. He said you had the IQ of a basketball.

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16 year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.

At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole-wheat potatoes?"

I used to be an owner,

Now I'm a renter.

I used to go to the bars,

Now I go to the senior centre! 

 

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was, “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports the Winnipeg Blue Bombers."

What’s the definition of a real golfer?

The only guy who will ruin a $100 pair of shoes to retrieve a 50 cent ball. 

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"  

They say that an apple a day will keep the doctor away...

Why stop there?

An onion a day will keep everybody away!