Billy: I think we’ve over-trained our dog! Look at him—he’s a nervous wreck.
Wanda: Why not take him to a pet psychiatrist?
Billy: Oh, we can’t do that... one of the things we’ve trained him not to do is go on the couch!
Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"
The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"
The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"
The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"
Jane says, "No."
"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.
"No," says Jimmy's mom.
The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"
Again Jane says, "No."
"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.
"No," says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I do something?"
To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out...
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."
"Where are you?" she asked.
She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.
The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"
The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"
The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"
Jane says, "No."
"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.
"No," says Jimmy's mom.
The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"
Again Jane says, "No."
"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.
"No," says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I do something?"
To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out...
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the neck.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
"Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving."
"Where are you?" she asked.
She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.
Billy: I asked my dog three questions and he got two of them right.
Trevor: What three questions?
Billy: I asked what covers a tree and he said bark. I asked him what the texture of bark is and he said ruff. I then asked him if he knew what the winning lottery numbers are next Saturday night?
Trevor: He missed the lottery number question right?
Billy: I don't know, I'll tell you on Sunday.
Girl: Were you named after your father?
Boy: No.
Girl: You were named BEFORE your father?
Boy: No.
Girl: You were named BEFORE your father?
Why does Spider-Man's calendar only have 11 months?
He lost May.
He lost May.
Times Square.
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.
He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.
I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.
They were in Aisle C.
He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.
I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.
They were in Aisle C.
It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, “Say thank
you... Sit up straight...Use your napkin... Close your mouth when you
chew... Don’t lean back in your chair...”
Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.
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