Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

My wife told me I was immature...

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort. 

Following a heavy-metal rock concert, one punk rocker stopped at the front desk of the hotel and asked if she had any messages. The desk clerk handed her an unsigned note, and she asked for a description of the person who had left it.

"That's easy," replied the clerk. "He wore tight orange-leather pants, high-heeled black boots and a T-shirt with strategically cut holes. I remember a row of colored safety pins through the outside edge of one ear, and he wore purple eyeshadow. And his hair was orange and spiked."

"Oh, man," she said, obviously disappointed, "that could be anybody."



I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens." 



This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

At the weekly senior lunch, it came time for diners to share positive family stories. Grandpa was hard pressed and had to reach for a good one.

As he cleared his throat he said, "My grandson, in his first three little league games of the season, he has three no-hit games!"

"Wow!" Came of voice from the back. "Sounds like he's gonna be a great pitcher!"

After a pause, Grandpa stuttered, "Well, I meant as a batter..."

A North Korean soldier was asked to measure the height of a comrade's rifle.

"I can't," he replied. "My ruler is only 12 inches."

The friend looked at him, rather confused, and said, "I actually think Kim Jong-un is taller than that." 

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "Close Enough."