The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

*Thanks, Daryn

A Horse's Tail

A Horse's Tail...

Does the statement, "Because we've always done it that way..." ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

AMEN!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in sperm - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Haircut for meetings ;-)

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC

2. Name it "Housework".

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......

7. Feel better?

Works for me!

"The Best Interest of Others"

THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

Some old, some new.... Possible Mergers to come

1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.

2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co. and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.

6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.

7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.

8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine

9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera

10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants

11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!

12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da

Spice Girls Wannabees

"How Could You?"

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End

*© Jim Willis 2001

La Presse en Rose

Buenos Aires grants first marriage license to gays
By Vanessa Hand Orellana WickedGayBlog


(Buenos aires, Argentina)– Two men were granted a marriage license in Argentina’s capital on Monday, breaking ground in a country and region where laws ban gay marriage.

Homosexuality no factor in abusive priests

By The Associated Press

(Baltimore) A preliminary report commissioned by the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops on the roots of the clergy sex abuse scandal found no evidence that gay priests are more likely than heterosexual clergy to molest children, the lead authors of the study said Tuesday.

The full report by researchers at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice won’t be completed until the end of next year. But the authors said that their evidence to date found no data indicating that homosexuality was a predictor of abuse.

“What we are suggesting is that the idea of sexual identity be separated from the problem of sexual abuse,” said Margaret Smith of John Jay College, in a speech to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. “At this point, we do not find a connection between homosexual identity and the increased likelihood of subsequent abuse from the data that we have right now.”

The question has been raised repeatedly within and outside the church because the overwhelming majority of known victims were boys. As part of the church’s response to the crisis, the Vatican ordered a review of all U.S. seminaries that, among other issues, looked for any “evidence of homosexuality” in the schools.

Yet, many experts on sex offenders reject any link between sexual orientation and committing abuse. Karen Terry, a John Jay researcher, said it was important to distinguish between sexual identity and behavior, and to look at who the offender had access to when seeking victims.

The bishops had commissioned the $2 million study as part of widespread reforms they enacted at the height of the abuse crisis. The scandal erupted in 2002 with the case of one predator priest in the Archdiocese of Boston, then spread to every U.S. diocese and beyond.

Nearly 14,000 molestation claims have been filed against Catholic clergy since 1950, according to tallies the bishops have released in recent years. Abuse-related costs have reached at least $2.3 billion in the same period.

--more--

The end of DADT?


by Ramon Johnson

The end of the military's ban on gays in the military could come as early as next year.

When human rights issues fall at the hands of defense priorities, what better way to reverse discriminatory policies than to attach it to a defense spending bill.

--more--

Murder suspect thought Puerto Rico gay teen was a woman

By Jennifer Vanasco, editor in chief, 365gay.com

The Puerto Rican newspaper El Nuevodia reports that the suspect in the killing of Jorge Steven Lopez Mercado is Juan antonio Martinez Matos, 26 years old and father of four. (This is a translation from a colleague; the link is here.

La Press en Rose ©, 2009, The Wizard of 'OZ'

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.



SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.


2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.


3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.


4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!


Thoughts for the week

-- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


-- When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."


-- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?


-- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


-- My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said..


-- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.


-- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!


-- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


But Most Of All, Remember !

-- A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Coming Out Step-by-Step

Step-By-Step
Your Guide, Ramon Johnson

Friends Don't Let Friends Stay In The Closet

What does it mean to come out?
Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ.

Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discrimated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many referece coming out as being reborn. This is an opporunity for you to look introspectively and re-evalutate who you are and who you want to be.

--more--

I Will Survive - Alien Version

*Thanks, Darcene

The Wiz on the Street

The Federal Reserve is prohibiting banks from collecting overdraft fees on purchases paid with a debit card unless customers opt in to programs that guarantee their balance-exceeding transactions go through. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"



Marc Mercer,
Tour Bus Driver
"Well, okay. So long as I still get penalized for using my credit cards."



Kelly Jolicouer,
Commercial Construction Estimator
"I usually send them a few bucks when I go over, anyway, just for their trouble."



Ray Mason,
Unemployed
"I guess banks will just have to make money the old-fashioned way: selling bad mortgages and causing a global financial collapse."

*American Voices, The Onion

New Moon - The Twighlight Saga

The release of New Moon, the second movie in the Twilight Series is set to be released on Friday, November 20, 2009.

Cast: Kristen Stewart ... Bella Swan

Robert Pattinson ... Edward Cullen

Christina Jastrzembska ... Gran / Bella

Billy Burke ... Charlie Swan

Anna Kendrick ... Jessica

Michael Welch ... Mike

Justin Chon ... Eric

Christian Serratos ... Angela

Taylor Lautner ... Jacob Black

Ashley Greene ... Alice Cullen

Jackson Rathbone ... Jasper Whitlock

Russell Roberts ... Mr. Berty

Cam Gigandet ... James

Michael Sheen ... Aro

Jamie Campbell Bower ... Caius

Synopsid: ***WARNING! Contains spoilers***

Last time we see saw Bella Swan she was narrowly escaping the clutches of the evil vampire James while finding love with ''vegetarian'' vampire Edward Cullen. Bella and Edward's lives have been full of nothing but love and bliss however, it all changes one fateful day. On Bella's birthday, her new found friend and sister of Edward, Alice, decides to throw her lavish party, complete with balloons, ribbons and cake that could feed an army. All is well until Bella accidentally cuts her finger whilst opening a present. The result is that Jasper Hale, the newest addition to the Cullen clan, succumbs to his blood lust and attacks Bella. Edward decides that while he and his family are around, Bella's life will always be at risk. So he decides to leave her for her own good. Bella feels her life is over. Enter Jacob Black, a member of the Quilite tribe who manages to bring some joy and meaning back into Bella's life. However as the two become closer, Bella discovers Jacob has a secret of his own- he's a werewolf. As if that wasn't bad enough Bella can't seem to get the love of her life, Edward out of her mind. With new dangers, new friends and new enemies, Bella finds herself choosing between holding on to the past or accepting a new future. But what and more importantly who will she choose? Written by LadyN1

Not All Turkeys Are Equal

Most people know the President officially pardons one turkey each Thanksgiving. But do you know when this fowl discrimination began?

Each year since 1947, the National Turkey Federation has presented a bird to the White House. But in 1989, President George H.W. Bush let the gobbler go ungobbled. He felt it was only fair that at least one bird should receive a stay of execution.

Since then, two birds each year – the National Thanksgiving Turkey and the Alternate National Thanksgiving Turkey (in case the National Turkey cannot fulfill its duties) – got to turkey trot off to a Virginia a farm to spend the rest of their days in peace. Unfortunately, it was called Frying Pan Park.

In 2005, feeling that the spared turkeys may be “a little skeptical” going to such a place, President George W. Bush flew them (in a plane dubbed Turkey One) to Disneyland to join the park's other exotic species. The tradition has stuck, and last year the plump birds served as honorary grand marshals of Disney World’s Thanksgiving parade, according to Disney spokesman – and not making this up – Duncan Wardle.

Quote of the day

“One who asks is a fool for a moment, but one who does not ask remains a fool forever.”
-– Chinese proverb

A Blonde Calls Home...

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.


When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"


The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"


"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.


With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.


He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.


Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.


He said, "Go ahead…take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.


The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well… go ahead!"


The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO…..MOM, can you hear me???

*Thanks, Gary

Ransom Note...

*Thanks, Gary

Life Magazine

Every Life magazine ever printed until 1972 when it ceased to publish weekly is located on the link below!

It may take a little time to look at them all!

Click here to go to Google Books.

*Thanks, Erwin