S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.






Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.






Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.





Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.

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But FART!! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

*Auntie 'M'

Blessed Are...

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED;
FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

*Auntie 'M'

Medical Terminology

Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

The Old Couple

The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.

Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.

Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.

Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.

Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.

He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.

As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"

"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

Students Set Naked Roller-Coaster Record

Coaster Does Up To 4 1/2 Gs

Thrill-seeking students went out Friday trying to set a new world record in Surrey, England riding a roller coaster naked.

Braving cold weather and pouring rain, 82 students took their clothes off and boarded one of England's toughest coasters.

It was a successful attempt to set the first world record for the largest number of people to ride a roller coaster naked.

The Nemesis Inferno ride is one of the fastest in the United Kingdom.

It includes several 360-degree turns along a 799-yard course and gravitational pulls up to 4½ times the level normally felt on earth.

Staff at the Thorpe Park theme park organized the event to coincide with the park's 25-year anniversary.

Gas Prices

Gas has just hit close to $1.00 a Litre - Campbell River is at 96.5 - Nanaimo at 91.5. If you want gasoline prices to come down we need to take some intelligent, united action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the 'don't buy gas on a certain day campaign' that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to hurt ourselves by refusing to buy gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can really work. Please read it and join the crusade!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at $.80 a litre is super cheap. We all know that we're being screwed by the oil companies. Does everyone remember how they drove up the prices way past a dollar and got the gas prices to where they wanted them, claiming there was a shortage of oil. Well, there isn't any shortage - the oil is more abundant than it was 35 years ago when the price of a litre of gas was 29 cents!!!

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a litre of gas is CHEAP at $0.78-$0.85, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which are now one), PETRO CANADA and SHELL. If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of PETRO CANADA and SHELL buyers. Its really simple to do!!

I am posting this note as I believe it will reach more than if I email 10 people as I get more than 30 hits in a day. Please feel free to pass on my blog address:

 

https://othersiderainbow.blogspot.com.

 

If each of you send it to at least ten more (50 x 10 = 500) ... and those 500 send it to at least ten more (500 x 10 = 5,000)...and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

Please send this to 10 people.

How long would all that take? If each of you sends this email out to ten people within one day of receipt, all MILLIONS of people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $0.64 OR LESS RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK BUT WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER!!!!!!!

EEC GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS

ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen
BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper
BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen
CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken
CYCLIST - Der pedalpushink pillloken
ESTATE CAR - Der bagerroom fur shaggininauto
EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppen bangentuben
FOOTBRAKE - Der edbangeronvindschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur kangaroojumpen
HEADLIGHTS - Das dippendontdazzelubastad
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipen fur arsen
INDICATORS - Die plinken tickentocken
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengretten trukken
LEARNER - Die twaten mit elplatz
NEAR ACCIDENT - Der fukken nearen schittenselfen
PARKING METER - Der tennerpinscher und klockenwerr
PUNCTURE - Die phlatt mit bludyfukken
SEATBELTS - Der klunkenklicker frauleintrapper
SKID - Der bannanan waltzen
SPEEDOMETER - Das Egoboozta mit Digitsundneedle
TYRES - Flattenfahrts
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappen muckenschpredder

Rosie Back On The Tube!

Click above to read about it!

Sasser One Of Largest Worms To Date

MS: Almost 1.5M download Sasser cleanup tool

Almost 1.5 million Windows customers downloaded a cleanup tool for the Sasser Internet worm in the first two days after Microsoft Corp. began offering the tool on Sunday, according to a Microsoft spokesperson. The number of downloads is one indication of the number of Windows computers infected with Sasser and it is bigger than most estimates from computer security companies. Still, the total number of infected Windows systems could be even higher, especially when infections on computer networks are taken into account, the spokesperson said.

Sasser appeared on Friday and exploits a recently disclosed hole in a component of Windows called the Local Security Authority Subsystem Service, or LSASS. Microsoft released a software patch, MS04-011, on April 13 that plugs the LSASS hole. Sasser had spawned at least four variants, labeled A, B, C and D, as of Tuesday. The worm is similar to an earlier worm, Blaster, because users do not need to receive an e-mail message or open a file to be infected. Instead, just having a vulnerable Windows machine connected to the Internet via communications port number 445 is enough to catch Sasser.

After appearing Friday, the worm spread quickly around the world. Early estimates by the SANS Institute's Internet Storm Center (ISC) put the total number of infected system in the "hundreds of thousands."

As it did with the Blaster worm, Microsoft began offering the Sasser removal tool from its Web site shortly after the worm appeared. The tool, which can be downloaded or run from a Web browser, scans computers for telltale signs of Sasser and then allows the user to remove the worm.
(See: http://www.microsoft.com/security/incident/sasser.asp )

You can find security update 835732 here.

What Sperm REALLY Talk About To Pass The Time On The Long Trip...

"Man CAN Be Replaced..."

Password...

On-Line Orgasm!

Give it a try!

Click here.

Ten reasons to go to work naked..actually 11...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your already exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair.

Weird Sex Facts

Wizard's Note: Hey! I didn't write em (or measure them! =)

Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

These facts are brought to you by:

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, and wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches

The human equalivent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds

Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Shelf life of a hostess twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm

# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste.

The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

ACIDIC FRUITS AND ALCOHOL (EXCEPT PROCESSED LIQUORS) GIVE IT A PLEASANT AND SUGARY TASTE.

Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown

Drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun.

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis:lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. (Happy Thanksgiving!)

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.

It is common for men to wake up with "morning wood," a name for an a.m. erection.

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

What Goes On When You Sleep...

Strange People (Facts)

Click Below:

"The Penis Poem"

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.


Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I ve got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.


It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.


Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

--Unknown

New Face On Mars Sighted!

This is the one discovered just a few short months ago:



Click on the picture above to see the latest sighting.

Da Vinci Credited With Developing The First Search Engine

Click here.