Jokes

SATAN COMES TO TOWN

One bright,beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started,the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church, everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit,so he walked up to the man and said,"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied,"Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me? The man calmly replied, "Nope, been married to your sister for over 48 years.

GOT SQUARE BALLS

A Little old lady walked into a bank with a bag of money. She insisted on talking with the bank president,on opening an account. The bank president asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She replied $165,000, and dumped the cash on the desk.

"Where did you get this money?" the president asked. The old lady said, "I make bets." The banker says, "What kind of bets?" The old lady said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

He laughed and said that was a stupid bet, that she could never win.

The old lady said, "Well you will take the bet?"

The banker says, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't square." The old lady says "Since there's a lot of money can I bring my lawyer tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness?" "Sure." the banker replies.

That night the banker stared in the mirror, checking things out,there was no way he would lose this bet. The next morning at 10 a.m. the old lady and her lawyer showed up. She introduced the lawyer to the banker, and repeated the deal, "$25,000 says the bankers balls are square." They all agree.

The old lady asked him to drop his pants, the president complied. She asked if could feel them. The banker says, "Sure $25,000 is a lot of money." Just then he noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

The banker asks, "What the heck is wrong with your lawyer?"

The old lady replies, "I bet him $100,000 that at 10 a.m. I'd have the president of the bank's balls in my hand.

A DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him rover or boy. I call mine sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for sex.

He said,"I'd like one,too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand."

"I've had sex since I was 9 years old."

He winked and said,"You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for sex. He said,"You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do."

I said,"Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny I have the same problem."

One day, I entered sex in a contest,but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, disappointed. I told him I had planned to have sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said,"I had hoped to have sex on TV."

He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honour, I had sex before I was married."

The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, sex left me. He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people."

Last night, sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I told him that I was looking for sex.

My case comes up Friday.