Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners

I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "Yes, I've got a dog."

She asked, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!" 

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"



Customer: Waiter, I'm in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?

Waiter: No sir, round. 



IPappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"

The Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know," Johnny said, "and look what you got!" 

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque. 

"Why did you choose to be cremated?"

"Being cremated is my last chance to have a smoking hot body!" 

Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business. 

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers." 

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

He says, "What's going on?"

She says, "The egg timer is broken."