I'll Take 'Queer Quotables' For $500, Alex...

"What is a straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains."
--Tennesse Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire.

"If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered."
--Robin Tyler

"Anita Bryant like Anita hole in the head."
--Graffiti

"As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children."
--Anita Bryant

"As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social."
--Joseph Francis

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
--Dr. Seuss

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen

"Closets are for clothes."
--Bumper sticker

"Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants."
--Lynn Lavne

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Drag is when gay men wear everything we lesbians refused to. And better them then us."
--Robin Tyler

"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness."
--Shakti Gawain

"Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality."
--James Baldwin

"For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun. Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian."
--Mabel Maney

"Gay and lesbian people fall in love. We settle down. We commit our lives to one another. We raise our children. We protect them. We try to be good citizens."
--California Sen. Sheila Kuehl after California Senate approved gay marriage bill AB849

"Gay people ... were the first to find me, and they get everything, they're so sharp. I'll look out in the audience and I see three or four gay guys right in the front row, or a couple of lesbians, I know it's gonna be a good show."
--Joan Rivers to Denver's Out Front

"Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"
--Trey Parker and Matt Stone from South Park, spoken by Mr Garrison

"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian."
--Fran Lebowitz

"God has given you one face, and you make yourself another."
--William Shakespeare

"Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another."
--Homer (Not Simpson!)

"Homophobia is a social disease."
--Bumper sticker

"Homosexuality is a sickness, just as are baby-rape or wanting to become head of General Motors."
--Eldridge Cleaver "Notes on a Native Son," Soul on Ice, 1968

"Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin

"I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated "all my homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients."
--Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

"I am the love that dare not speak its name."
--Lord Alfred Douglas from poem Two Loves

"I can't help looking gay. I put on a dress and people say, "Who's the dyke in the dress?""
--Karen Ripley

"I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public."
--T-shirt worn by Chicago Bulls transvestite Dennis Rodman during a network-TV interview

"I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not piss on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?"
--Rob Nash

"I just wish more of my fellow queers would come out sometimes. It's nice out here, you know?"
--Elton John accepting Distinguished Achievement Award from Elizabeth Taylor at Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center's 25th anniversary blowout

"I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming."
--Homer Simpson (Yes, not "The Iliad" Homer!)

"I think God is a callous bitch not making me a lesbian. I'm deeply disappointed by my sexual interest in men."
--Diamanda Galas

"I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
--Charles Pierce, 1980

"If adjustment is necessary, it should be made primarily with regard to the position the homosexual occupies in present-day society, and society should more often be treated than the homosexual."
--Harry Benjamin

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them!"
--Author unknown as seen on a button

If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nailbiters.
--Anita Bryant

"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise."
--Johann von Goethe

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer.""
--Robin Tyler

"If horse racing is the sport of kings, then drag racing must be the sport of queens.
--Bert R. Sugar

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic.""
--Shelly Roberts

"If time and space are curved, where do all of the straight people come from?"
--Author Unknown

"If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag."
--Author Unknown

"I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant."
--Paul Newman

"I'm not a lesbian but my girlfriend is."
--Bumper sticker

"I'm not gay but my boyfriend is."
--Bumper sticker

"In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis."
--Quentin Crisp The Naked Civil Servant, 1978

"In itself, homosexuality is as limiting as heterosexuality: the ideal should be to be capable of loving a woman or a man; either, a human being, without feeling fear, restraint, or obligation."
--Simone de Beauvoir

"Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"Isn't it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court to have its head up its ass?"
--Letter to Playboy magazine, February 1987

"It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain."
--Francis Maude

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."
--Daphne Fielding The Duchess of Jermyn Street

"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

"For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed."
--Clifton Fadiman

"It's hard enough to be taken seriously in the struggle for gay rights without having a bunch of straight girls running around kissing each other to get the attention of boys and videocameras."
--M. Robin D'Antan, 2002

"I've wondered what my sexuality might be, but I've never wondered whether it was acceptable or not. Anyway, who really cares whether I'm gay or straight?""
--George Michael to Britain's Big Issue magazine

"Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole."
--Judy Carte

"Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people."
--Martina Navratilova

"Lesbianism has always seemed to me an extremely inventive response to a shortage of men, but otherwise not worth the trouble."
--Nora Ephron Heartburn, 1983

"Let my lusts be my ruin, then, since all else is a fake and a mockery."
--Hart Crane

"Let's get one thing straight, I'm not."
--Bumper sticker