Late-Night Jokes About the Gay Marriage Controversy

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone... We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno