The Dubya Tape

Rice:  Excuse me, Mr. President, sir? 

Bush:  Hang on; I’m in the middle of some important strategery here.  F Six. 

Powell:  Miss.  B Eight. 

Rice:  But sir?  This could be important. 

Bush:  Hit; submarine.  (sigh) Fine, what is it? 

Rice:  We have reason to believe that al-Qaida operatives are planning to hijack one or more of our planes in the near future. 

Bush:  F Seven.  Al-Qaida?  Isn’t that some kind of Mexican cheese dish? 

Cheney:  I’ve had those!  They’re good.  Especially with Ranch Dressing. 

Rice: Ummm, I think you’re thinking of a quesadilla.  Al-Qaida... 

Powell:  Miss.  C Eight. 

Rice:  ...Al-Qaida is a large Islamic terrorist organization. 

Bush:  Hit; submarine.  Large, huh?  Did they vote for me? 

Rice:  Well, no, sir.  They’re foreign.  They don’t like Americans. 

Bush:  Miss.  Foreign, huh?  Makes sense; bunch of Mexican Muslims.  So is this something to worry about? 

Rice:  They’re not Mexican, sir... 

Powell:  If they’re Moslems hijacking a plane, they’ll probably just grab an El Al flight and trade the passengers for someone in prison. We should probably tell Mossad. 

Rice:  Actually, we believe the target is a domestic airline.  Potentially more than one, too. 

Bush:  Huh.  Do we have anyone they’d want to trade for? 

Rice:  Well, Ramsay Yusef... 

Bush:  Gesundheit. 

Rice:  Sir, Ramsay Yusef; he’s a terrorist with links to al-Qaida.  He bombed the World Trade Center back in ’93 with a truck full of explosives; tried to blow up the base and get one building to crash into the other. 

Cheney: I remember him; we caught him because he went back to the truck rental and tried to get his deposit back. 

Bush:  (laughter) Well, if that’s the type of terrorists we’re dealing with, we probably don’t need to worry.  Is it my shot? 

Powell:  Yeah. 

Rice:  So you don’t... 

Cheney:  Excuse me; George?  Ken Lay’s on Line One for you. 

Bush:  Kenny Boy!  Hot damn; hand that phone over. 

Cheney:  He’s calling collect again. 

Rice:  Sir?  About the hijacking? 

Bush:  Oh, right.  Do we have any specifics? 

Rice:  Well... 

Mrs. Bush:  George?!?  Little Rascals are on in five minutes. 

Bush:  Thanks, hon. 

Rice:  Again, sir, we don’t have specifics, except that there is a plot. 

Bush:  F Eight.  Look, if this Mexican El Queso group wants to hijack a plane, it’s probably just a bunch of illegal immigrants trying to find an easier way to sneak over the border. 

Cheney:  Ken’s still on line one, and Satan, Prince of Darkness is on line Two.  He needs to reschedule his 4 o’clock appointment. 

Rice:  But... 

Powell:  Miss.  A Eight. 

Bush:  Miss.  Look, Condoleeza, the American people don’t want me flying off the handle half cocked on incomplete information.  Don’t want to cause a panic; people don’t spend as much if they’re scared.  We need a complacent nation spending themselves silly, and this could interfere with that.  Now, if you get something solid, let me know.  F Nine. 

Powell:  Hit; carrier. 

Bush:  Hot damn!  Now we’re getting somewhere!