Reflections from the Shaman's Hut

By Trent Deerhorn, Deerhorn Shamanic Services

The Other Side of Self-Care

So often when we talk about self-care people will get the inner visual of someone soaking in a rose petal, candle lit bubble bath with a glass of white wine very close by. This is, indeed, a delightful image of self-care, and one that most folks would enjoy. But self-care is not just about a home spa day. It definitely can include that, but it is not limited to just that. There are many memes and quotes flying around about self-care, so why not have some clarity? 

Self-care also has to do with doing the most difficult things to ensure you are alright way down the road from the present moment. Here are some examples of that:

1. Disappointing others is a part of self-care. Often we think of this as a negative aspect of our character. But truly, if we care for ourselves, we will be more than willing to disappoint someone else who expects us to be doing something for them, rather than something for just ourselves.

2. Often self-care comes in the form of doing something that you would rather not be doing in the present moment in order to ensure your future. Some of this can include things like financial investments, or studying for a course you are taking rather than partying with friends.

3. Healthy boundaries are established. This will sometimes scare people away from you. Let those people go. And definitely let the people who try to challenge your boundaries go. Those are people who have been benefiting from you not having healthy boundaries. Some of themwill get quite upset about the establishment of boundaries. Hold your ground. This also applies to people with whom you have been intimate in the past. You are not required to hug or kiss anyone at any time, just because of social convention or nostalgia. We also need to stop forcing our children to hug or kiss our relatives if they really don't want to. Forcing them establishes a message that their personal boundaries are of no concern to those who are supposed to love them and protect them. In addition to this, there is often an expectation among spiritual communities that greeting people with a hug is by far better than shaking a hand or bowing in Namaste to them. This is hogwash. Personal boundaries apply, even in spiritual settings.

4. Often care-givers end up neglecting themselves in order to be there for and take care of someone else. But the thing is that you don't owe anyone anything. Not your time, not a quick returned text back, or emotional support when you are the one who needs the support at the moment.

5. Caring for someone else when you are neglecting yourself in order to do so is often portrayed to us as an act of love and self-sacrifice. But the truth is that if you are caring for someone else and you are already running on fumes, then the "care" you are giving them will soon turn into resentment.

6. Often you will have to let go of relationships, habits, and life choices that, albeit familiar, are no longer serving your greater good. Let them go. This is called "transition" and it will do you well to make that transition sooner than later so that you can become the person you are developing into.

7. Self-care also looks like being brutally honest with yourself, especially when the truth is hard to admit. That may look like asking for help with some struggles you are having, or even admitting that you have a problem with addiction or co-dependence. Sometimes the truth sucks. But the truth cannot stay hidden long. There is a saying that there are three things that will never stay hidden for very long...the sun, the moon and the truth.

8. Know that if it is the hardest thing that you have ever done, that is when you most need to do it. This is what being committed to your personal well-being looks like. No matter how hard it is, however, it will always be much better that you did whatever it is you need to do than if you had not.

For more articles from the Shaman's Hut, visit Trent's blog at www.deerhornshamanic.com