Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

Life is like a helicopter.

I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."  


 

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

 

My wife packed my bags and told me to leave.

As I was headed out the door, she said, "I hope you live a long and lonely life!”

I replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"

Operator: "Where?"

Caller: "No, a regular one!" 

 

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"

Caddy: "I don't think so, sir, that would be too much of a coincidence!" 

My family likes to sing carols during the holidays. Alas, I have a cold this year, so when I offered to lead one of the carols, my cousin suggested that I sing away in a manger...

Far, far away, in a manger.

The American Academy of Ophthalmology just released a report that stated not enough ophthalmologist will be in practice in the next five years to serve the public need.

They cite the fact that not enough pupils are graduating.

Their past recruiting had been short sighted. 

"Trouble with your throat, eh... ever gargle with salt water?"

"Yes, sort of. I nearly drowned while swimming last summer."  

 

While fixing his roof, a man fell off of the ladder. After meeting with his wife later, he told her that four ribs were broken.

"Four ribs broken?!" she gasps. "Which hospital did you go to?"

"I didn't have to go to the hospital." he replies. His wife stares in perplexity. "Four broken ribs and you didn't have to go to the hospital?"

"No, it was the fella I landed on who broke four ribs."