Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.

The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect."

The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring."

To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both beat. When I step on the podium people look down, cover their eyes, and say 'Oh my God!'"



How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.



Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree draped in bacon strips.

"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short. 

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

 

How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings arcade game?

None... it only takes Tolkiens!

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.

As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.

Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me." 

Billy: Though my Aunt is very dear to me the truth is, no one likes her homemade pudding except you Johnny. Tell me why you always get a double helping and also take the leftovers home?

Johnny: I use it to patch the cracks in my driveway; it lasts for years.

A man flies into a new city on business. When he got to the hotel he realized he came down with laryngitis. He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice.

He looks up a doctor’s phone number and calls him. A woman picks up the phone. The man, not being able to talk loud, whispers, “Is the doctor in?”

The woman whispers back, “He just left. It’s safe to come in now.”