Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven." 

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it's because I can't stand doing it.  



My wife said she needed more space.

So I locked her outside.



Superman blames technology for his slow response to high crime.

"Look around folks, there isn't a phone booth in sight." 

I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet. 

Little Girl: "Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?"

Daddy: "You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Little Girl (after some thought): "What do you have to do to be queen?"

 

A lady walked into a dentist's office and exclaimed, "I don't know which is worse, having a root canal or having a baby!"

The dentist replied, "Well make up your mind, so I know how to tilt the chair."

On March 10, 1876 Alexander Graham Bell made the very first telephone call!

Two days later, an incoming call informed him that the extended warranty on his horse and buggy was expired. 

My smoke detector needs a new 9 volt battery...

I always thought that was an odd voltage.   

A couple were taking a group tour at a crocodile park when they come across a canal riddled with crocodiles. An eccentric millionaire in the group issued a challenge. Anyone who jumps into the canal and swim across the other side will receive $1 million. If he dies either by drowning or eaten by crocodiles, his widow will get $500,000.

All of a sudden a man jumps into the canal and starts swimming. The crocodiles took after him but somehow he managed to get to the other side unscathed. He gets $1 million, as promised, and gets back to his wife. The wife excitedly says, “I know you could do it, Honey”.

The husband says, “Oh yeah? What would you have done had I died?”

With the same enthusiasm the wife replies, “I would have still got $500,000.”