In The Swim Of Things - For The Midwinter Blues

The Best Swimwear of 2022 (Los Angeles, California) Nothing says summer like the moment when you go to squeeze this year’s ass into last year’s swimsuits for the first time! Talk about ugly! There are few things in life I find more distasteful.

Every year around this time…as the days grow longer and warmer… I begin to get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is the feeling a man gets when he knows he is about to get his comeuppance.

After months of hiding beneath layers of fashionable garb, I suddenly become increasingly aware that in the days and weeks that lie ahead there will be little for me to hide behind in terms of fashion. Likewise, I also know that all those little imperfections in my body that I had so successfully concealed throughout the first quarter of the year are about to become jaw-droppingly evident. {Sigh}

Alas…I can be thankful that I’m not one of those silly people who is always concerned about appearances. Or should I rather say that I’m thankful to not be one of those people who is always concerned about the things in one’s appearance that can be effortlessly camouflaged by playing to one’s strengths with style and flair?

You see, I am of the opinion that shopping for the right swimsuit needn’t be anymore painful than your first full body wax this summer if you know your true personality type and choose the swimsuit that best suits it. Really…trust me… it’s easier than the recipe for a Martha Stewart soufflé.

The thing that makes swimsuit shopping problematic is not finding the suit that’s right for you, it’s all the voices inside (and outside) your head pulling you in different directions. It’s the sales clerk showing you the hottest, new styles…it’s the ab-licious models in the magazine and catalog ads that make you feel your body is inadequate…it’s the inability to admit that you’ve got womanly hips or a fat ass. My solution to all this chatter is to simply turn down volume and listen to you. Know your goals and know who you are and be true to both. Here’s a look at five personality types and the best swimsuits of 2022 to compliment them. Recognize any of these people? (I think you just might)

The Attention Grabber - Roberto Cavalli

Some boys just have to be the center of attention. They combine rock star bravado with a sense of over the top presentation and a tendency toward sin to create the kind of stylish looks that leave no heads unturned when they walk into a room. They are in short “Attention Grabbers” and the swimwear they choose must scream ‘superstar’. So who better to dress the “Attention Grabber” than one of the very few designers accustomed to designing for young superstars…Mr. Roberto Cavalli.

Roberto Cavalli doesn’t just design for rock stars he creates rock start style each season. This season Roberto Cavalli suggests retro patterns, animal prints and floral designs for the coolest kids of summer…especially for those with the long lean frames to carry them off. These form-fitting, eye popping swimsuits are so sexy they’re practically feral before a personage is even attached to them.

The Classic - Lacoste

The only thing that can be said about “The Classic” type is that they stick to what they know irrespective of the trend. Their motto is “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it” and because of that classic guys turn heads not because of their style but because of their confidence within themselves. Think JFK, Jr. (who also happened to have a lot more to crow about than his style).

Lacoste’s staple logo board shorts exemplify classic swimsuit style because they are flattering to almost every body type and practically never go out of style, which again suits classic types just fine because they’ve barely got time to order their new swimsuits, let alone worry about chasing the latest designer trends. The craziest thing about a classic type’s swimsuit choice is the color or pattern associated with it. Peppermint (turquoise) or brazier (orange) anyone?

The Hedger - Hugo Boss

Somewhere between “The Attention Grabber” and the “The Classic” there is what I call the “Hedger”, a personality type that likes fashion which has both classic proportions and a bit of an edge. In essence “The Hedger” hopes to enter the room quietly and then leave it to thunderous applause after having almost unwittingly won over the entire crowd.

Hugo Boss Oyster BM square-cut swim trunk, is just the kind of swimsuit “The Hedger” loves. It hugs the body without groping it gratuitously and it is sexy without pronouncing itself to be so. (For the record, it’s also a little more forgiving than those attention grabbing suits!).

The Modern Preppy -- Lacoste

I can sum up “The Modern Preppy” with the following phrase: “I am without question my father’s son, but I am definitely not my father.”

“The Modern Preppy” is a part of a long tradition that evolves slowly toward change but changes nonetheless with time. Lacoste’s black Logo board shorts with a super-sized embroidered crocodile logo on the leg and trendy pocket detailing is the perfect way for The Modern Preppy deal with the conundrum presented by wanting to emulate one’s father without necessarily wanting to look like him.

The Euro Star/The Sophisticate - Valentino

A man of elegance is a Valentino man. This summer Valentino sums up swimsuits with that special kind of hutzpah normally reserved for American Gigolo types. Suave, sophisticated, beautiful and young, the swimsuits that are served up by Valentino this season service the man who knows a thing or two about service. He may not be rich or experienced but “The Euro Star” has an innate style that says “I am to the manor born” …whether he was born on a farm or in a jungle.

Fitted, tasteful, sexy and so many other things describe Valentino’s body hugging swimsuits naturally paired with elegant sweaters that are just perfect for sailing the Mediterranean at the height of the season.

The Urban Hipster - Diesel

“The Urban Hipster’s” love of being a city type is only surpassed by his love of being on the cutting edge of fashion.

Diesel has become the first stop shop for “The Urban Hipster” and this season Diesel does not disappoint its fans with the Kookie swim trunk, a funky, hip masculine cargo style swim short that blends bold colors and contemporary styling to create the kind of swimsuit that city folks will be sporting in fashionable watering holes up and down the East Coast.

Which type are you? Whatever it is, own it like Star Jones owns her hair weaves but dismisses her ‘weight loss secrets’ and you will be one of summer’s leading style stars.