Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

My wife just called me pretentious.

I was so surprised my monocle fell out.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.  



My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome.

"Honey," I said, using a seductive voice, "If you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose ten pounds and I'll watch."



A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He is pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.

He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?”

The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”

Police officer: Sir, I pulled you over because I have been following you for a while and you went through a stop sign without stopping, went through a red light AND you didn’t yield for the pedestrians on a crosswalk. So let me ask you, did you see the red light?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police Officer: Did you see the stop sign?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: Did you see the pedestrians?

Driver: Yes I did.

Police officer: SO WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP???

Driver: Because… I didn’t see YOU.

What is the opposite of stand up comedy?

A Sitcom.

 

Upon returning rather late from an annual physical my wife was wondering how it went. I replied, ”Very routine. He asked if I am continuing to exercise regularly. I replied, ‘yes.’ And am I watching my diet and eating healthy foods to which I replied, ‘of course.’ And are you limiting your alcohol consumption to 1-2 drinks per week I responded ‘absolutely.‘"

My wife then asked, “Then why are you so late?”

“I had to stop at church and go to confession.”

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, "I will have you sing tenor."

"You mean right next to the baritones?" I asked.

"No," he said, "I mean you should sing ten or more feet away from the choir." 

I got a phone call when I was in the pub,

"If you don't get home in ten minutes I'm giving the dog your dinner!"

So I went home.

I love that dog.  

A lady went to the salon to get a new hair style. While getting her hair done, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the waiting area.

She turns to the man and begins flirting with him. The man replies, “I’m married.”

The woman continues to flirt, “Just tell her you’re going to visit a friend in the hospital.”

The man replies, “Tell her yourself. She’s the one doing your hair.”