Why was 4 scared to ask out 5?
Because 4 was 2².
I asked my wife when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one... or consult a twelve year old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Duck #1: "Quack."
Duck #2: "Quack."
Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one... or consult a twelve year old.
6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Duck #1: "Quack."
Duck #2: "Quack."
Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."
Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.
Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"
Duck #1: "He knew too much."
You might not know this... but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in... but you can see right through them
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.
I just finished candy shopping for Halloween.
That’s when the 55 and over seniors in golf carts show up for trick or treat, in my community.
They will have there choice of: Prilosec; Pepto, Zyrtec, Mylanta, or the ever popular, Gas-X.
Because they're seasonal.
I went to the doctor to see if he can help me to stop smoking .
He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.
It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light.
He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.
It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light.
There was no resolution.
A real estate agent was showing a woman through a beautiful room at the top of a large hotel.
"Now in this wing we have the master bedroom, bath, and den."
The woman interrupted suspiciously, "And den what?
"Now in this wing we have the master bedroom, bath, and den."
The woman interrupted suspiciously, "And den what?
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