Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood...

...then I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy.

I'm just trying to find a happy medium 

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

"Fast 10... Your Seat Belts!"  



I may not be around in 2084...

But at least I know there's the possibility I may still be voting!  



The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we're supposed to stay on the horse."

I went to a wise man the other day for advice and he said, "He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows."

I don't know who's going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won't be him again. 

My friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I would need:

“1. New friends.”  

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'.

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he soon broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads: 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

When my brother and I were very small my mother took us with her when she visited a girlfriend.

The lady gave my brother and I an apple. My mother said, "What do you say to the nice lady?"

My brother replied, "Peal it."

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?

The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring! 

This lady I know is pretty incredible at composing music on the fly...

 But one day she fell off!  

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...

I must've been Tolkien in my sleep.