Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -

Perfecting the art of falling apart. 

Man (to his boss): "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok then, I have a serious drinking opportunity." 



My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”

Mike answered, “Want to split two?” 



A man went to his doctor.

When the doctor entered the examining room, the man cried, “My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?”

“Of course,” said the doctor reassuringly, and he handed the man a small box. “Will this be big enough?”

Young Husband (in the early morning): "It must be time to get up."

Wife: "Why do you say that?"

Husband: "Baby's fallen asleep."

A group of extraterrestrials were sent to earth to monitor and/or stop the use of nuclear weapons. The first creature they made contact with was a chimpanzee. Mistakenly they mistook the chimp as being the dominant species of planet earth.

After scanning the chimp one of them looked at the others and said, “This must be a mistake, perhaps we’re on the wrong planet.”

One of the other Aliens said, “You may be right. It’s obvious these beings are far too intelligent to use nuclear power in a destructive way." 

An older woman asked her techie grandson, "What's the deal with this Craigslist thing?"

"It's a website where you can buy and sell all kinds of things and more," he replied.

"Can you get rid of stuff there?" she asked.

"Yes, you can set a price or give things away that you don't want around the house anymore."

"I like the give away free idea. How do I get started?" the woman asked.

"Well, it's always good to have a picture," the grandson said.

"OK. Will this old wedding photo do?" 

Dentist: "You need a crown."

Patient: "Finally someone who understands me."

A guest is ordering at a restaurant, “Do you think you could bring me what that gentleman over there is having?”

The waiter looks at him sternly, “No sir, I’m very sure he intends to eat it himself.” 

Waiter: I just wanted to let you know kids eat free.

Dad: Good, I'll have water and my daughter will have the steak and a kid's light beer.

Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that a new hairdo?"

The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"

“Siri, why am I still single?!”

Siri activates front camera.