Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly, and three polars...

It's the bear minimum. 

My boss calls me "the computer"...

Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes. 



Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar. Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."

The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"

Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"

America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly so irate?"

Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate." 



"You're beautiful and I love you!" I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff.

My echo replied, "I just want to be friends!"  

I’m not interested in any diet plan...

Unless of course it lets me use rollover calories! 

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They're both Paris-sites! 

Father is giving his son some life advice.

Father: “If you want to be a good man, you must be honest and cautious in life.”

Son: “And what does that mean?”

Father: “You must fulfill everything you’ve promised.”

Son: “And cautious?”

Father: “Never make any promises.” 

I had some words for my wife...

She had some paragraphs for me! 

As a way to compensate for their absence, a group of golfing buddies decided to all pitch in twenty bucks and one with the best golf score would take their wife dancing and dinner. The wives liked this idea since it was more than they had before.

Fred's wife was especially wanting him to win and the moment he returned after golfing she excitedly asked, "Are we having a special dinner tonight Fred?"

"Yes we are my dear, how does Peking Duck sound?"

She said, "That sounds great."

Fred replied, "Good, while driving over the pond on the 7th hole, I accidentally hit one. All we need now is the recipe."

Life hack...

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed simply by forgetting your wife’s birthday.  

Who's the genius that decided to call it "Emotional baggage"...

.... and not "griefcase." 

My teenage son asked me if I ever fell in love with a high school teacher.

"In fact, I did. She was gorgeous! I couldn't take my eyes off of her... I dreamt of a life together with her day and night."

"Wow! What happened with that, dad?" he excitedly asked.

"Your mom moved you to another school."