Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."

"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."

"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning." 

Predicting the future:

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. 



I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, "Do you mind if I put some music on?"

I said, "Not at all."

He said, "Kiss?"

I said, "Let's listen to the music first, then see how we feel." 



I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, “I’m really hopeless at fishing and need some tips."

The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”

I said, “No.”" 

Grandma: "Oh, what nice new boots! Where did you get them?"

Granddaughter: "At the store."

Grandma: "Which one?"

Granddaughter: "Both of them."

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....

He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque. 

My mother and father were driving when she was pulled over by the police. Mom was in a hurry and told the officer so.

“I understand ma’am,” he said. “But I have to ticket anyone over 55.”

Mom was beside herself. “That’s discrimination!” she shouted.

The officer explained calmly, “Ma'am, I meant the speed limit.” 

Why was the seafood restaurant being investigated by the IRS?

They were suspected of being a shell company in some fishy business. 

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 

Waiter: I just wanted to let you know kids eat free.

Dad: Good, I'll have water and my daughter will have the steak and a kid's light beer.

My nephew came over the other day and he was wearing a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, and gloves.

He said, "I'm gonna ride my bike!"

I said, "Where? Through a minefield?"

I never got along well with my dad.

Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad."

I'd just say, "Yeah, when?"