Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill. 

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.' 



A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, $0.25 each -- three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant." 



At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, "That you can't return!"

I hate telling people I'm a taxidermist.

If they ask what I do, I answer, "You know, stuff." 

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Paul: What are you making?

Arthur: A brilliant new invention.

Paul: Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Arthur: Go ahead and laugh. They laughed at Edison, they laughed at Bell, they laughed at Geck.

Paul: Who's Geck?

Arthur: You mean you never heard of Charles Geck?

Paul: No, what did he invent?

Arthur: Nothing, but they sure laughed at him. 

The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good.

I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest or just offended! 

Happiness is walking through the green grass barefoot....

Misery is walking through the green grass barefoot and then discovering it's a cow pasture. 

Why did the librarian go to the chiropractor?

To get her spine fixed!